HELP !! Advice needed

susycat0

Hi,

sorry if this is a long post and i start to ramble but i am sat here in tears again and i dont know what to do.
Let me start at the beginning my OH has had a drink problem for a long time and hasn't always been the nicest person to be around, not violent just mood swings, and saying hurtful things to the kids nothing major but over a prolonged period.
Anyway my 15 year old son has gone completely off the rails this past three weeks, truanting school, always had trouble at school for smoking but never truanting. smoking weed( this has been going on longer but has just got worse) and then last week he left school came home and stole other sons PS3 & games and left a note saying really sorry mum cant take it any more I am leaving and not coming back. The police found him after two days at a friends.
I have spoken to him to find out what is going on but he just says he took the ps3 because his brother took his ipod and broke it over a year ago and never replaced it, but that he did use the money for weed. He says he hates living here and hates OH and other son
OH says we should get him arrested and charged but i cant bear the thought of him having a criminal record.
He has promised not to smoke weed again but tonight he came in fine, went to bed fine. Then I go up about 11.30 and was just lying in bed when i hear him creeping out of the bedroom window. I told him to come back in but he just says there is no point I don't want to live here and i need time to think, by the time I got downstairs to the door he has dissappeared again.
I really don't know what to do for the best, have spoken to his friends and they seem to think it is only weed he is using. i seem to have spend the past three weeks constantly crying and am all ears if someone has some good advice.

Sparky09

Hey, just wanted to say sorry to hear your problem. Have no worthy advice, just wanted to suggest maybe son is trying to get you to make a choice between him and the OH, and this is his way of getting that across with out asking out-right and facing rejection. Have things always been bad between them?

Although the weed thing is bad, don't go thinking its the end of the world just yet, everyone when I was that age seemed to be smoking the stuff, I couldn't understand how the nicest people seemed to know a drug dealer but its just so widely available. Hope things work out for you.

susycat0

Thanks for the reply.

He has always really looked up to OH always wanted his approval, time etc, which he has never really got.

Came back after about and hour and half yesterday, obviously had been smoking weed, I was a complete wreck by then and have told him that I cannot cope with much more it is making me ill, he has agreed to go to young people drug counselling, but don't know if he will stick to this, he currently sees someone but it is a bit sporadic and it is only for 6 sessions.

He has said he will stay in school today which he promised last Thursday and have to say he stuck to that.

Everyone seems to be doing everything they can to help him, the school have arranged the addiction counsellor and are trying to offer him different options for school to do things he likes, he does construction course at the moment which he loves and they were looking at trying to get a work placement, but this is proving really difficult due to health & safety and lack of work around at moment. He has also said he would like to go to military college which the school are looking into.

I know some people will find it galling that the worse children behave the more they get given, and is he being given too much and should i just be tougher

OH doesn't help much just leaves me to deal with it . He has always had a strong personality and temper but has always been really caring and thoughtful.

Oh no I am off rambling again, but really appreciate any help

mrcow

Where does he get the money from to buy it?

kindofagilr

(((Hugs)))

One thing I will say although Weed isnt a hard drug, it really isnt something to be taken lightly

I smoked it years ago and I was fine, I managed to stop when I wanted to and it didnt lead to harder things

But a few of my friends smoked it as well and it lead to other drugs (I am not trying to worry you here just telling you about my experiences with it)

And it makes some people really paranoid and a real recluse.

I do hope your DS goes to the counselling cos it would be great if this could be nipped in the bud (no pun intended) now

(((hugs)))

Dinah93

I'm sorry but if your OH has been verbally abusive to the kids while they were growing up, of course they are going to be messed up. A child is going to take to heart negitive comments a lot more than an adult would, and your son sounds like he feels alone in the world. You need to show him you are on his side. Weed is not a strong drug, and to be honest I'd much prefer my kids/partner to be on weed than alcohol if I had to put up with one or the other, weed makes people giggly or sleepy, not violent or abusive. Being sidelined for years compared to a alcoholic father is going to make the poor lad resentful and angry.

You son needs his mum to stand beside him, yes more than likely to stand up to your husband and tell him its not okay to get angry at the kids, they aren't adults, and your son sounds like his is crying out for love and attention.

rosyw

susycat0 wrote: »

I know some people will find it galling that the worse children behave the more they get given, and is he being given too much and should i just be tougher

OH doesn't help much just leaves me to deal with it and is always saying he is just bad always has been. He has always had a strong personality and temper but has always been really caring and thoughtful.

The one you should be tougher with is your OH! if he is drinking, leaving it it to you to deal with everything and says his son is bad and always has been, then IMHO, he is not really caring and thoughtful! Your son needs the support, approval and love of his father, he doesn't need to be told he has always been bad, tell him that often enough and that is what he will be!
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but your son is obviously crying out for attention of the right kind from his father.

susycat0

Thanks for the comments.

Just found out he left school this morning after me dropping him off and took someones bike i have been and found him and he has put the bike back at school with another promise to stay. When I picked him up i was on my way to GP so he came with me just says again I hate school why should i have to go, its my choice i should be able to leave.

What i don't understand is OH was away for two weeks when this all kicked off so is it really him he is rebelling to, and whilst he was away i had spoken to OH to say that things had got to the point that i was going to move out, but he insisted he could change so had said to son and that they could quit together and go to the gym together which son seemed keen on.

i don't know if i have exagerated things with OH but i see them that way, everything he has done with son has involved alcohol and has made them feel unimportant small comments like Christmas time son was obviously excited and wanted to show off his presents to other family members, but OH turned round and said "no its not your time now this time is for grownups" or if he is in on his own saying "aren't you going out now" i would have commented on these if I had heard them but i am not there at the time. and i know there have been times when I have been at work overnight and OH has past out on sofa and it has been up to son to lock up etc.

anguk

I'm sorry if this is going to sound harsh but I'm trying to put myself in your shoes. Some kids do go off the rails for no reason but in this case it really does seem as though there are issues between your son and OH, a lifetime of nasty comments from your father can only have a bad effect. You say your OH has said he will change, can I ask if he's stopped drinking yet? Or is he using the excuse that he'll do it when your son does it?

I'm sorry but I don't know anything about drugs, but maybe the school can put you in touch with professionals that can help. Your son is still young, only 15 and able to turn his life around but he will need lots of support, preferrably from both parents.

If it was me and my OH was not only being unsupportive but also making the problem worse, I'm afraid my OH would have to leave. My kids will always come first before anyone. Too many people stay together because they've got kids but I honestly believe that sometimes it's best that some parents don't live with their kids because it causes too much damage.

Pee

Just to say that I really feel for you.

I don't think you can be asked to choose between your son and OH because, unless you are unhappy with your OH - and it sounds like you are - you will be with him when your son has left home and has an OH of his own.

I think it is quite normal for boys your son's age to go through a phase of being misunderstood. I also think it is normal for mothers to be a lot more patient with sons than fathers are.

Spending time with him, either him going to the gym with your OH or doing things with you - maybe asking him to help with the weekly shop or the garden, or with cooking tea is really beneficial.

I had a young friend who lived two doors away who felt like this. I always assumed that it was partly to do with wanting his mum's attention and she was a single mother who was beginning to have relationships. He was very grateful for any attention, and sometimes he seemed to feel he had to be bad to get it.

He was such a lovely boy and would then do stupid things.. I think it is mainly hormones.

If you think you would be better off without your OH, then you should consider splitting, but from what you say, I think your son needs his imput, too.

Dinah93

susycat0 wrote: »

everything he has done with son has involved alcohol

Your son has been effectively bullied by your husband, and is trying to seek his approval by being a 'grown up' and doing 'grown up things', just like daddy. His dad has even told him he has to be a grown up to get attention at Chtistmas of all times!!!

It's a lot easier to get hold of weed than alcohol nowadays unless you're givin it by parents, as shops crack down hard on underage drinkers and smokers. Because weed is illegal its actually less controlled. Blokes used to sell it in the park opposite the secondary school in my town, the police knew, but did nothing because it was such small quantities.