partner in a mess, don't know what to do

RAS

smellycat

I think you need to get some perspective here. You are talking £9,000 here. Now if he is on a minimum wage, that is off concern but not the end of the world. If he earns more than that it is possible to clear it in 15-24 months.

I suspect you are also suffering from a misunderstanding - OH pays off his credit card each month; he pays what the credit card company require and has no problems, so he does not have a problem. That is not the same as paying off the whole balance which is what you think it means.

So be careful what you say.

I suspect the snowball on senseofcards or on https://www.whatsthecost.com would help him understand the cost of his debt.

Capt._Caveman

Getting married isn't the problem, as his debts will remain his own. But any joint future spending, i.e. mortgage, will become almost impossible to achieve unless you are both honest about past debts and CCJ's, etc. However, being married is the best!

smellycat_2

(just wrote a lengthy repy but timed out! here is again...)

So I did it.

I left him a note last night to read when he got back from his night shift asking him for a breakdown of his debts and income. At first he gave me an innaccurate list with some figures very much less and some missing. I then said that whilst tidying up I saw a couple of letters from other places and he seemed suprised, checked and said he had forgotten about them. I then said I'd caught a glimpse of one of his card statements whilst sorting out things and asked him to be honest. He looked very scared and admitted to the actual amount. He said he hadn't been reading his statements ad was shocked it had grown to that amount and only realised last month. He also said he was scared to tell me as I might leave him. After both thanking each other for not getting mad and not leaving each other, we discussed why it had built up and what to do next. This is the true situation:

£2598 on 0% card til Feb '10
£3345 bank loan, 7 %, OH pays £150 a month
£5000 on 16% card
£1350 overdraft, not sure of interest but it's low and it's the account where wages go in
£1000 on a card, last statement in the house from March says 0%

Think thats £13,296.

What he have done so far:
*applied for a 0% card for 6 months with 1.5% balance transfer fee to move the high interest debt
*sold his old mobile phones for £100
*applied for a water meter as there are more bedrooms than people and we are low water users
*agreed a weekly cash budget
*cut up his credit cards

OH has also agreed to sell his high-powered petrol-guzzling saloon for a smaller, older diesel but he wants me to do it as it's too upsetting.

Also agreed that he will keep his motorbike for now but the sell it in the winter in order to pay off the new card.

I feel it's a good start. I want to look at the breakdown of his expenses but I will leave that for today. Other people have said the debt isn't much and I know it could be far higher. But a significant amount of this has been accrued in the last few months which is more worrying. And we won't be able to do things in the future if we do't sort this out. I know there are some commuication issues and hiding things isn't good, but I feel he has been very good about this discussion and I have made it clear that we need to work together.

fatbelly

have you seen the snowball calculator?

http://www.whatsthecost.com/snowball.aspx

sorry, just noticed RAS said the same thing.

smellycat_2

Thanks for the suggestion, I've typed in all the details but it may change if we can transfer the balance of one of the cards. Defeinitely helpful though, thanks.

smellycat_2

Oh, also I showed him the Demotivator tool earlier and he was shocked by the cost of his mobile phone, lunches, and even chocolate bar buying!

Really useful tool. I think it made him realise that there are cutback that can be made.

GeorgeUK

Glad to see you've got him onboard with the debtbusting SC.

I would throw a little caution in here too though. It probably took him years to build up this debt so will take time to get rid of it too.

He's going to sell his car, then his bike...

He needs to find a balance you can both live with. For many people in debt, their life gets put on hold sometimes for years while they pay the bills and count the pennies. He needs to find a way that he has time and funds to enjoy himself even though he is in debt.

Quite often people have a burst of enthusiasm at the start when they can see how much they could be saving and reducing the debt by. That doesn't last more than a few months and it can be a hard grind to constantly have the debt hanging over him. He needs to have something that he can enjoy without worrying about the extra costs involved.

Sorry this is going on a bit, i'm just saying it's going to take time and he can't just throw everything at it all at once - he needs to keep hold of some of the fun too.

gaj86

I'm glad you talked things through with him!!
How pending are these debts, by the way? I mean, are people demanding payment NOW or does he have some time to pay them off?

smellycat_2

Thanks for replies,

About half the debt has built up from the last 6 months. The bike and car selling sounds harsh but he doesn't want that bike anyway, too small an engine apparently and he'd been half-heartedly saying about swapping the car, it's just that the issue has been forced now.

It's not a pressing debt in terms of debtors making requests but I feel it has got out of control and based on the available money there is to make repayments, it will take quite a while to clear unless it can be cut into now.

I appreciate the concerns and I have been aware of that. We've agreed quite a generous weekly budget and are still going out for a meal with friends tonight and are looking at a night or two at a hotel somewhere next month because you're right it is important not to get down and not benefit from the money saving.

smellycat_2

Hello,

Thought I would post a follow up to my original post.
It transpired that including other smaller debts my bloke had £16000 of debt, and had been borrowing from one to pay the other. Since then, we now have one bank loan of £4000 and all other debts have been paid. Not only that but we did get married and along with parental help had a lovely ceremony.

There is still work to be done: my OH admits his poor relationship with money, but despite doing the budget planner on this site, he overspends. All money is in a joint account so the spending is no longer a secret. I feel a little stuck about how to help him budget, and am considering cash card but have seen they charge for withdrawals.
It's almost like the spending is an addiction, little amounts here and there that add up.

I'm glad I found this thread as we have made considerable progress which is good to remember.