partner in a mess, don't know what to do

smellycat_2

Hi,

My partner is not one for reading his bills and statements and has been fobbing me off with vague answers concernig his debt. After a year of this I cracked, read some post he hadn't chucked and found:

£2,650 on 0% card
£1,000 in low interest account
£5,600 on 16% card

I felt sick after reading this, I've never been in debt in my life except mortage ad student loan, and plus, I've snooped.

We have plans for getting engaged, married and starting a family in the ext 2-3 years but I'm so worried we will never afford this. Also, I don't know how to confront him.

I've asked him to give me a breakdown of his debts and said it was a 'debt amnesty' but when we were chatting he insisted to me he pays his cards off in full every month (I've seen that he uses the credit card for expensive cash advances too). I don't know whether he is in denial or whether he doesn't want to admit it to me.

I feel that I have betrayed his trust by snooping but then at least I know. I've looked at pages on this website and can see ways he can save money but it's all so dependent on him confessing/my confronting him.

Progress we have made though is I made him keep a spending diary for a month and shocked him with how much he was spending and he has begun to cut back.

All replies gratefully received,

from a concerned other half

td_007

It is good to see that you have made your partner a bit aware of the expenses he is making and also that your partner has taken the right step to cut back. The situation calls for a honest conversation, because however good the relationship might be, money and debt problems will begin to put a strain on it. As both of you are making plans for the future it is more important now than later that you TALK. From your post it seems that you have a better sense of money management - maybe you should offer to take lead in managing the expenses.

moneymakestheworldgoround

HI smellycat,

I dont really have any advice but I just wanted to send you a hug XX

I've snooped in my time and got answers I really didnt want ! I sulk like anything so I have always had to confess - had fireworks to begin with after admitting betraying trust, but then so has your other half. And I guess you wouldnt have snooped if you didnt have suspicions.

I personally would sit down admit part of what you have seen and see if he confesses to the whole lot. Be prepared for him to explode, and possibly storm out, but after some thinking time he may be willing to discuss options.

It depends how important this is to you. It is lying and deceit, but I think a lot of us on this board have been in denial with people and ourselves at some point in our debt ridden lives.

Good luck

gaj86

I'm sending you hugs, too, check your PM folder!!
It's good to know I'm not the only one with this kind of problem, anyway...
It's very frustrating when a partner doesn't let you in on their debts. Maybe it's pride, or shame, or defensiveness, but ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away.

smellycat_2

Thanks for both your replies.

I'm a heart-on-sleever so I'm surprised I've managed to hold myself back for nearly a week!

I can't go to sleep because of worrying. You're right, the only way to tackle that is by talking. _pale_

He's on a night shift so will be a zombie til tomorrow afternoon but I might try then.

moneymakestheworldgoround

Gosh, you're better than me. A week ..... wow !

Talk, talk and talk some more. However, if he's like any of the men I have known, talking logically and calmly may not be his first instinct. As gaj86 says, it may be pride, or perhaps an old fashioned idea of men deal with finances and stuff... therefore he may not be willing to discuss it.

You've tried once, and it didnt get him to open up. What can you do this time to get the LBM you need? Will he think you are nagging if you mention it again ? Will he close up? Are you super organised and a money saving expert ? Does he feel threatened that you are Ms Perfect with money and he has to admit he isnt?

I dont know -random thoughts, make no sense ! You know him better than anyone. But money can cause problems and arguments and if you are planning to marry, I feel it is an important issue to get straight.

GeorgeUK

If you've made him keep a spending diary, point him towards the statement of affairs calculator so that he can see all his expenditure and tell him to enter any of his debts there too. (wihthout you looking over his shoulder).
http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

This should alloww him to see how much he has avaialbe to throw at his debts and you can tell him about the snowball part of the calculator which will tell him how much interest he is gifting the banks as well as the best way to deal with his debts.

He will need to concentrate on paying off that 16% debt - preferably transferring it to another 0% card if possible. He's paying £70 in interest on that card alone.

Forris

I wish you luck with this.

I was in the same position as your OH, with debts of £26,000 (including £6,000 outstanding to HMRC!!). My wife never looked too closely at our finances and I felt that I was in control of it, right up to the point that it all came crashing down!

While, as others have already said, he may react badly at first, if he values your relationship then he will come around. His debts are not huge but they do seem to be getting away from him. Sorting this out now will put you both in a much better position for when you want to get married/start a family.

As a bloke, he will probably still need to have some control over his affairs (male pride!) taking sole control of the money may not be your best option. Perhaps, as has been suggested, you just need to give him some gentle nudges. SoA & Snowball will enable him to keep control. Cashback sites will also give him some 'wins' that will make him feel money-smart.

Georgie4

Tobe honest I would be more concerned about the fact that he is blatantly lieing to you by saying he pays all his cards off every month - what else is he lieing about ? I wouldn't even be contemplating becoming engaged to him let alone starting a family until you can trust him !
Just my opinion

Willspireite

Just a few questions to throw into the mix for anyone with a bit more know how ... by being in the same address does that mean that the OP and their bloke will be financially linked? If not, then if they got married would that mean that the debts WOULD get linked?

Couple I know are in similar position, he's lots of debt, she hasn't, planning on getting married, but just wondered what that'd mean for debts.

Hope things turn out ok when you chat Smellycat! Definitely something that needs confronting IMHO, just sucks having to do that ... all the best for it.

at_my_wittsend

Only the person who's name the debt is in is liable. If joint names, joint problem, i.e. both have a credit card for the one account.
Actually, i don't think it's that easy to tell your OH that your in debt even if discussions crop up. I am in huge debt and have not told my other half. We do not live together, however, we are now engaged and saving for a wedding and yes the right thing to do is say so and fast I know. From my point of you I am sorting it - DMP best I could do otherwise the first solution was BR, no way. I wanted to wait until I had it going a while and thought that would sound better than I owe x amount and don't know what to do. I am so relieved I cannot have any more credit. I just let the plan tick over in the background, best i can do. Not sure what I am going to say, if it were £10.000 I would not be to worried about saying, it sounds reasonably ok amount compared to what i owe. Also, you don't know the reaction you are going to get etc.
Best I could say as you have seen, is say right lets get your statements see where you are at and what we can do as we need to start saving for the future. Do not be judgemental or make it a big deal, but he does need to take control and now because believe me it spirals and it spirals fast out of control, it's not long before your robbing Peter to pay Paul and soon before Peter can't no longer pay Paul.
Never admit to seeing it, I would be totally annoyed. I do think he has had the good sense to get 0% interest so he is not as stupid as me. I bet like me, he worries no end about telling you. Trust me it's not easy. However, I have never claimed to clear the full amount monthly. Good luck.