End of my tether - gambling bf

laurasbump

Just received a letter from mortgage company saying that we're in arrears on the mortgage. It had been agreed this month that I would put my share of the bill payments into a savings account for bills (car tax, mot, house ins, etc) for when I go on maternity in September with our second child.
My partner has a gambling problem which we manage for a month or so but he returns to time and time again. I've known now just over a year. He says that he's been to gam anonymous but I've seen no real evidence of this. The reason our mortgage has bounced is that he's taken £3k out in cashwithdrawals over the month. I'm assuming it's all gone into fruit machines.
I love this man and with our second child on the way am at a loss as to what to do. I am completely exasperated. I know that this is a nillness. I can't kick him out - this is his house and I have nowhere else to go and no means to keep a home on my salary alone (esp. when I'm off on maternity in 3 months time).

I really need some suggestions. Anyone with an addict and it turned out okay?

Laura x

DigitalJedi

My dad was a gambler. My mum gave him many chances over the years. The last straw was him doing a runner and loan sharks turning up at the door. My advice is to see if he will let you take over finances. So his wage, your wage get put into your control and he gets "spends". If he won't do that then start packing a parachute now. He won't change unless something drastic changes.

**confuzzled**

Can you take over the finances and take his cards off him(if he's not responsible enough to pay bills then he'll have to suffer the consequences!) and then pay him an 'allowance' so he has his own money to fritter away??

Can you get him to go see a councillor instead of Gamblers Anonymous?
HTH x

Dinah93

Could you call a gamling support line and ask for advice on what you can do? I know there is software to block computer gambling, but it doesn't sound like online is his thing, so you need to find what else you can do.

Most importantly, does he genuinely want to stop or does he just vaguely tell you he does then get angry when you try to find a way to help him to?

If he genuinely wants to stop, swap your bank account for a basic one where he can't go overdrawn, take out all the money for bills on payday into a seperate account in your name only, so anything left in there is his spends, but when its gone its gone.

Pee

I presume that stress and problems with money actually increase his desire to gamble, so the new baby on the way might be encouraging him as much as it's exasperating you.

Is there a group for the partners of gamblers?

I've known a lot of heroin addicts. My ex was one and I met several people through him. Out of maybe twelve couples I met, there was one where the husband had simply "grown out" of drugs, mainly due to having children and they were happy - he still had issues, with work and other things, but he was a good provider. There was another couple who I hope made it, but she was doing well at moving on and he was pulling her back. the rest were lying and cheating and taking the mickey out of one another... and that would be a summary of my relationship then, too.

If he is willing the ideas above to control the money are good ones.

I do hope that you find a way.

jack*tigger

Paul McKenna did a life changing series on TV a few years ago. He used Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) techniques so this guy was totally averse to gambling. Derren Brown uses NLP too.

It's the thrill of a big win that gets people hooked to gambling. They are forever looking for that thrill again. NLP uses techniques to swap the good feelings for bad ones.

It might be expensive but then shoving £3k into a slot machine isn't cheap !!

Primrose

You have my sympathy. It must be an anxious time for you. Gambling is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol and without a great deal of support from a profession organisation and your boyfriend's determination to quit, I fear that the only way is further downhill. Unless your boyfriend is prepared to change and accept responsibility for his behaviour, and show continuing signs of this, I suggest, as others have done, that you start preparing an exit strategy for yourself and your children, however overwhelming this may feel. You may need to start talking to Social Services and finding out the benefits you would be entitled to as a lone parent and whether they can find some living accommodation for you. (Check out www.entitledto.com). Sadly, I don't think you will get many positive responses from people who have lived with an addict of any kind with a long term satisfactory solution. We've had one in our family for 15 years and just when you think the situation can get no worse, another crisis happens. Unless you boyfriend is prepared immediately to hand over TOTAL control of the money he earns and give you an Enduring Power of Attorney over his affairs as a mark of his determination to quit gambling, I fear you are on a hiding to nothing. You may love this man, but do you love your child and your future new baby more because sooner or later you will probably have to choose between their respective well-being? Time to sit down with him now and have a very, very serious conversation about your relationship going forward. Regardless of your home not being your house, it may not be his for much longer either if the gambling continues, so making up your mind to stay with him may not be a very secure option either.

Savvy_Sue

Pee wrote: »

Is there a group for the partners of gamblers?

Yup. Gam-Anon.

the OP should talk to them and get support for herself.

katglasgow

Yes it worked out OK for my DH and I, but it was only when I kicked him out that the penny dropped and he realised he would loose us. He has to want to sort himself out and do it himself IYKWIM. My DH contacted gamcare (.org?), they have telephone support for gamlbers and their families too and also they can organise counselling throughout the UK, he found they were brilliant. His salary is paid into my account and all the bills come from there. He has a cash card only account and a small amount of money is transferred back into that every week for personal use. He hasnt gambled for 4 years now. He got himself into a terrible muddle taking out loans to pay off other loans to pay off gambling debts etc... He says he feels great not having the worry anymore. Hope that helps. xx

pinkshoes

Laurasbump, you have to tell him to choose between his family and home, or the gambling, because he can't have both.

If he chooses gambling, then the marriage is over, everything is sold, and you go your separate ways.

If he chooses you, then he needs to hand over all financial responsibility to you, and you take his cashcard(s) off him, and give him a weekly allowance to pay for essentials (petrol to get to work). He is not allowed access to ANY money. If he doesn't like it, TOUGH! He can't have it both ways.

This may sound harsh, but there really is no inbetween with gambling.