What to do about DS and his GF?

pulliptears

My DS is 16, a very sensible, clever lad who has just finished his GCSE's and is starting college in september. He has been with his GF for 2 years now and they are very much in love.

The background is complex, but basically DS met his GF after they were introduced by her step mum, his then form tutor. They live a good distance apart so for 2 years they have tended to commute back and forwards over weekends. DS has stayed there on occasion and GF has stayed here on occasion, always in seperate rooms.

A few months back both kids were preparing for their GCSE's so they scaled back their romance a little of thier own accord. Both pined for one another but they knuckled down to studying. A few weeks ago DS had an invite to a party from some mutal friends of his and his GF, so, we drove him the 20 or so miles to the party. That was the start of things going very wrong...

His GF's step mum hit the roof. Said she had strictly forbidden the GF from seeing DS and he should not have been at that party. Both kids explained to her that DS had been invited independently but GF's stepmum called them both liars and actually called my DS to moan at him over it all.

Since then DS and GF have been incredibly upset and GF has been banned from seeing him for the time being, until exams are over. DS asked me yesterday if he met her in town on friday could we give her a lift home. I said that wouldnt be a problem if that was ok with her stepmum. Unsurprisingly step mum has again gone mental and said no, they are not allowed to see eachother because she cant trust them after the party incident.

DS is gutted and heartbroken. He actually sent a text to the stepmum apologising for whatever it was she thought he had done. She never replied.

I feel so sorry for them both, both are very sensible, likeable teenagers who are never an ounce of trouble. She is 16 in a few weeks and I think both kids are under the impression things will change suddenly at that point. Personally I cant see it myself.

I have toyed with the idea of calling the stepmum myself but so far I have held back because I dont think DS wants to make things worse. They both have one exam each left and I think that she will then move on to the next excuse as to why they cant see eachother.

Its so frustrating and I would appreciate any advice. Do I stand back and just be there to support my son or do I get involved?

Philippa36

Stand back and be there to support him. My DS met his GF when he was 12 and she was just 11! They're now 19 & 18.

We've had all the problems you've described, only ours came earlier when GF's Mum read her diary (she was 14 & he was 15 ) and decided that they shouldn't see each other anymore. I tried talking to her briefly but she had decided and nothing I said would change her mind. DS moped about for a while but then, they accepted the change. They would see each other socially because of having plenty of friends in common. GF dated someone else briefly while DD had plenty of girls calling but no-one special.

Move on 2 years and they got back together and have been happy ever since (apart from the odd argument!). She's really helped DS as he doesn't apply himself as much as he should and managed to fail his first year of A levels spectacularly.

I have watched them go through it all and tried only to offer advice when asked for it and been there for the ups and downs. Its very tempting to get involved but in my experience, it doesn't work.

Good luck.

Mini_Bear

What a difficult situation u r in. Ur poor son has done nothing wrong and seems to be punished by his GFs mum.
In my opinion its up to the GF to talk to her mum regarding this and sort it out.
As the mum is a teacher perhaps shes just freakin out about her daughter gettin distracted mid-way thru her exams.
I would wait a few weeks after the exams are over and see if it naturally resolves itself. if there is still an issue i wud ask your sons GF what she thinks the problem is. perhaps she knows more about this situation and why her mum went mental than u realise.
Good luck and i hope it irons itself out. support ur son, exam time is terrible enough without additional drama!

pulliptears

thanks guys. My worry is the actions of her step mum have put more stress on the both of them anyway, and I hope GF doesnt suffer for it, she really is a lovely girl.

I have spoken to GF before, and it has been mentioned that step mum is menopausal (DS had a bemused look on his face at the mention of this!). I know GF's step mum and her Dad have been arguing a lot recently, and he doesnt have a problem with DS at all so its all stemming from step mum.

For now I keep telling him to keep the peace, respect the step mum's wishes and just play a waiting game. So frustrating though when I want to fight his corner

junkanoo

Wow, I feel for you son. They are being very mature and sensible about their relationship. The fact that they both took a step back to concentrate on their studies and not let romance get in the way is proof of that. They shouldn't now be rewarded with punishment. I can totally see the position you are in. Has the GF spoken to her father about this? Does he agree with this? After all there are 2 parents in the picture, not just 1. Maybe he can talk some sense into the stepmum.

emlou2009

why had the GF's step mum banned her from seeing him?

pulliptears

emlou2009 wrote: »

why had the GF's step mum banned her from seeing him?

So they can get through their exams, though they had already made that decision themselves. This then turned into because she cant trust them after the party incident. Its hardly their fault if they are both invited to the same party!!

As far as I can tell her Dad is quite happy with DS and has no problems with them being together, however, I dont think he wants to rock the boat at the moment with step mum as she is making life rather difficult all round from what the kids have said

emlou2009

are you sure they've told you the full story? it sounds like a very extreme reaction from what you've said, maybe theres something they havent told you from what you've said they do sound as if they are behaving maturely but you never know, i was quite happy to let my parents think i behaved maturely at that age but in reality i did anything but and they didnt have a clue... still dont to this day in fact

just a thought!

Paparika

Is there something that's happened that her step mum knows about and you don't?

emlou2009 has thought the same thing.

She see to have gone off the deep end for the party, can't help think there is something more...

pulliptears

The thing about DS is he is very open and honest. He told me when they were considering having sex a few months back and confided in me that because his GF was a few months younger they were going to wait. I'm wondering if perhaps GF has spoken to her step mum about things and she hasnt taken it so well? I have asked DS about this and as far as he knows step mum isnt aware of that particular conversation.

Im 99.9% sure that he has told me everything. If it was my DD I'd question it because she is a secretive little beggar, but DS has always spoken to me frankly and honestly so I have no reason to doubt him.