mediation

jetcat

hi all, things are moving along, slowly (from my last thread on here)

I have been to see a solicitor today, regarding contact between my ex and our 2 girls. He has recently sent me a letter stating that he is willing to see DD2 weekly, but not DD1. I have said this is not acceptable - DD1 needs to feel that she can go if she wants (while sitting thinking that there is no way at all she would want to go at all - but the choice should be hers, she is 12).

My solicitor has also put it in writing that contact needs to be supervised by a family member (his family) and that when returning children, we are to meet at a local superstore, so that he cannot intimidate me in my own home.

What i am worried about though, is that the solicitor said that if he doesnt agree to this, his next step would be court, and to do that, we would need to attend mediation. The solicitor was trying to inform me what that was, but i was in a bit of a panic, DD2 was climbing all over me, and i couldnt really take in what was being said.

Please, could anyone let me know more details on this, and is this something that i would need to do, given the history between me and ex.

Many thanks

Silverbird

I used to work for a Solicitors. Mediation is something that the Courts look on very favourably and they're not usually very happy if you haven't attempted mediation prior to involving them.

It is basically a formal meeting between the 2 parties and the Solicitors and is designed to be a discussion that will hopefully lead to a mutually agreed decision. If this isn't possible at the end of that meeting then usually the matter gets referred to Court.

I'm sure somebody else will be able to explain this in more detail, but in the mean time your local Court house and possibly the CAB should have lots of literature on mediation.

jetcat

thanks silverbird. does that mean i have to sit in the same room as him?

mookiandco

I think the mediation you are referring to is the mediation you will need to attend in order to fulfil the criteria for getting public funding. This mediation involves you attending on your own first with a mediator to discuss the issues and your concerns. The mediator will then write to your ex and offer him an appointment. If he doesnt turn up or refuses then the mediator will write to your solicitors informing them of this and your solicitor can proceed to make your application for public funding. If your ex goes to his appointment and the mediator thinks you are suitable candidates (ie there is a possibility agreement can be reached) they will arrange a joint appointment. In that case you would need to be in the same room as him. Solicitors do not attend mediation unless they are being paid to do so.

If there is a history of violence or you fear being in the same room as him, just tell the mediator and it is likely they will deem mediation inappropriate on this basis.

Your solicitor cannot apply for public funding unless they can show they have exhausted all avenues so this includes referring you to mediation. They dont really have a choice. But the likelihood is that the mediator will says its not appropriate and will send a form to your solicitor for the to forward to the legal services commission confirming this.

As an aside, your first hearing at court will be a conciliation appointment as it involves children. This is the courts way of trying to get agreement reached without the need for things to progress to full blown court proceedings. You will meet with a CAFCASS officer (court and family welfare officer) both seperately at first and then together if CAFCASS thinks its appropriate to try to reach agreement. CAFCASS will then tell the court whether there is any scope for agreement.

jetcat

thanks mooki, and yes, it is to obtain legal aid. That makes sense then. As there is a history of violence - some of which is quite recent, i am hoping that i dont actually have to see him at all.

Loretta

I often wonder if anyone ever thinks who all this is benefitting.

If someone is violent to their partner they do not have any of the normal boundaries in their behaviour and I wonder why anyone thinks they will not become violent towards their children if the children answer back don't do what they are told,hasve opinions of their own etc like normal children. does it really benefit children to be with someone like that? can the 'authorities' be really sure that the children will be safe? Will children grown to learn that this sort of violent and abusive behaviour is acceptable? we always hear that all this is for the children's benefit but is it really? all these arrangements so a parent can see the children, probably on supervised visits and maybe in some soulless, dreary hall or whatever. The children may prefer to spend their weekends with a happy and relaxed parent who has managed to escape from this atmosphere and be out playing in ther park in the sunshine or whatever it seems odd the children have to be put through this as it really can't be what is best for them or much fun for them either just a thought.

I wish you thebest of luck

freyasmum

jetcat wrote: »

thanks silverbird. does that mean i have to sit in the same room as him?

After the initial meeting, which is between you and the mediator, you will have a joint session. This involves being in the same room as him.

As you say there has been a history of violence, they can arrange that you leave before they 'let him go'. They never disclose arrival/departure times with the other party either.

You will not be left alone with him

jetcat

Hi Loretta

i do understand (and share) your concerns. Contact is going to be supervised, but rather than in a dreary hall, my ex partner's family has agreed to supervise, and it will be in their home. I think that my DD's, esp DD1 will really benefit from seeing her extended family in this way.