Step Daughter now living with us, advice needed!

cheddar

Okay will start with our situation, I'm been with my hubby for 8 years and he has 14 (nearly 15) year old twin daughters who have always stayed with us from fri-sun and 30%-60% of holidays too and extra days here and there. There was a brief spell of no overnight access due to dh's ex having a funny do but this only lasted a few weeks.

Anyway, my husbands ex has a very unsettled way of life and also has a son with her ex husband and is now currently with an 18yo lad and is pg by him now as well. Her care of my sd's has often been questionable and poor including treatment bordering neglect.

Anyway one of my sd (call her sd1) has noticed more and more how little her mum does/cares and also the massive difference in treatment between her and ds2. It seems to have bugged her for a while and has come about in minor arguments and basic teen strops. However this came to a head one night when the ex tried to kick her out at 10.30pm one night and make her walk 4 miles here (she had also tried to do this to her at about 11pm the night before but this was after a school performance that over-ran and the ex made no plans for her to get home). My husband said she can come and live here if she wanted too and can stay as long as she wants, ex made this out to be a permanent thing. Anyway sd1 came the day after and has been here now for over 2 weeks with no mention from her or ex of going back. Hubby finds it extremely difficult to talk with the ex as she usually starts a screaming match and is very abusive and refuses anything to do with mediation (this is what made her give us back overnight stays as both our solicitors agreed that mediation may help if she has so many issues, at this she caved in).

So my question is this I suppose, we need to know if my hubby can become the parent with care. He is going to try and clear this up with the ex and make sure it is a permanent thing, she hasn't even bothered to see ds1 either and shows no interest in her at all. He also needs to get Parental Resp as he never did this (I know we need to do this). Sorry it is so long but the ex is taking the micky asking for maintenance for ds2 whilst she is getting child benefit and child tax credits and housing benefit based on having care of sd1 when she isn't there.

elisebutt65

Were they married? If so then he doesn't need to get Parental Responsibilty Order.

If SD is now living with you then you should contact Child Benefit agency and get it transferred over to you now as well.

Also contact the other agencies and let them know.

cheddar

No they were never married that's why we need PResp. Is it as easy as that to just ring them up??? Oh my, wonder what the ex would say! LOL!

elisebutt65

It's easy enough to get a Parental Responsibility order - if she plays ball!!!

However - If she's living with you anyway- i can't see that any magistrate would turn it down. My ex got one easily enough - just so that if DS got sick then he could take him to GP or hospital.

Child benefit rules say that if kids live with you so many days - then you have to get a proportion of it - It's benefit fraud if she's still claiming it - and the other benefits!!!! Same with Child Tax Credit!

cheddar

Hmm, interesting.........many thanks for your advice. Will get oh to ring her tomorrow anyway and clear some things up, don't think we'll have a problem with getting the Parental Resp anyway, just anything to do with money (ie her beer fund) will send her loopy. I secretly think that oh is holding back sorting this in case she folds and says she wants her back. That will be a nightmare as she'll only be doing it for the money, thats (apparently) why she's dropping another kid....she wants more money and a bigger house. Grrrrrrrrr..............

elliebean_2

If your hubby's ex is co-operative he can gain Parental Responsibility fairly easily. A PR agreement and notes on how to apply can be found here: http://www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk/courtfinder/forms/c(pra)(9.01).pdf

Good luck!

Prudent

Given the age of your sd she would ahve a large say in any issues that did need to be resolved legally.

skylight

I to have a Step Daughter - just turned 15, who has lived with us for 18 mnths now. Ex-wife in prison and a complete fruit cake and the eviliest woman on the planet.

Getting parental responsibility is easy, but you and OH have to sit down with SD1 and have a long chat about what she wants. OH needs to step carefully so as not to alienate SD2.

If SD1 decides she really does want to stay with you permantantly (and remind her that once you start this course of action there is no turning back -of course you can, but dont let her know that as you don't want to be messed about either!) you can either get a new court order to that effect (although our solicitor told us not to bother because of the age she was/is, once they hit 16 it becomes null and void anyway).

You need to tell the Social Security offices. This is easy but wont be straight forward! Child Benefit agency will write to the ex asking her if its true! She may well say no and contest it all, which will drag it out, but in the end the truth (normally) prevails!

Same with Child Tax and phone the school ASAP and let them know whats happening. Get ex taken off the emergency contact list if possible. Register her at your/OH doctors if hers is not close enough - do this anyway, no danger of running into ex and an uncomfortable situation.

Now - maintenance - stop for SD2. Because - you can claim of ex for the care of SD1 and "technically" the amounts should cancel each other out! Use the money for clothes for SD2 instead - that way she still gets it in a round about way. Call the dreaded CSA for advice (twice to make sure!) Once things are sorted I would put in a claim against ex for SD1 just to be mean.

Lastly - you are probably in for a rough ride. Sorry about this. All this money/ PR bit is easy - its something tangiable that you can put into action. The pyscologial part and the effect it will have on SD1/2 and you and OH will be straining.

After 1 year my SD (I call her DD1!) finally calmed down - although I have known her since she was a baby. w
hat had happened to her made a real impact on her mental state but she still resented me when she moved in, as she knew I was what a "real" Mum should be and I think she was jealous ?

Is there really a difference in the wasy SD1/2 are treated or is this just a percieved difference? Does SD2 agree? The relationship between the sisters could be in danger if something is not sorted out asap and that would be the worst thing the ex could ever do.


Best of luck. Why is it ex's are all mental??????

Amanda65

charlotte664 wrote:

Best of luck. Why is it ex's are all mental??????

Guess the sane one's stay married - or have I got that the wrong way round LOL

The_Geek

Hmmm, having been thru a really tough battle with my ex a while back over our kids, I would suggest that you see a solicitor and make a "plan" before confronting your OH's ex.

At the age of your SD's, should it go to court they will in all likelyhood let her live with whom she chooses. The problem is if the ex fights over it then you will be putting SD thru the courts and CAFCASS. An experience any child even a 15 yr old should not have to go thru.

From what you've said, I would bet any money that ex will not be bothered....right up until it hits her in the pocket. ie. child benefit/tax credits. Then she'll play merry hell and dirt will be flung in every direction.

I would start off by asking for PR via agreement. If she's anything like my ex, she will refuse so you may have to go to court to get an order. At that point, you may as well apply for residency. Personally I would not mention the money side until you have got PR or residency. No point in kicking up a hornet's nest if you can avoid it. Once you have it, then all gloves are off and you can get the CHB and Tax credits.

never underestimate ex's! I did and it nearly cost me my family.

cheddar

Thank you all for your replies and more people are welcome to post their experiences. OH is ringing ex tomorrow (couldn't get hold of her today) and is going to go round to talk to her, especially about the strain of the relationship between sd1 and sd2. Thank you again!