Am I doing the right thing?

Notsosharp

This is probably going to be a wee bit of a long post....

I don't really know where to start. My sister moved down south (about 150 miles away) about three years ago now. She said she wanted to get away from the the family....

Anyway, she lived in a two bedroomed house and had two children, but she got pregnant again and obviously wanted a bigger house, she had a house up here and she sold it but just frittered away the equity from it....so when it came to the deposit for the bigger house she didn't have it. So she asked Mum for it, at first Mum refused because she didn't have it but then relented because Dad kind of went over her head and gave her the money anyway which obviously Mum wasn't happy about, it caused major upset for about a week with threats of divorce etc...

But its not really about the money at the end of the day, its just that my sister was sooo nasty about it, she threatened to abort the baby because she couldn't bring it up in a two bed house....I know she would not have but its the fact she used it as a weapon in the first place that really really rankles with me....

And she was just awful to me, I have had some issues in the past that resulted in self harm and two long years seeing a psychiatrist. And my sister has always been kind of nasty about that. And she was slagging me off to Mum too, because I live in a house that Mum and Dad have brought, I rent it from them, the mortgage is about £150 ATM and I pay £450 so its not as though they are doing me any special favours and they did give my sister the money to buy the house she sold..... and at the end of the day this house is an investment and it will be split equally if God forbid anything happens to either parent.

But my sister didn't see this, she sees it as favouritism, she basically called me a dole scrounger, (i'm not I've just finished studying a law degree but finding a job is tough at the moment, there are practically NO childcare facilities for children over 5 around here and my DD is over 5). I'm not lazy and I am not a scrounger but I have to claim benefits to survive. My sister also said I self harmed purely to get my parents to buy this house which is simply not true the self harm started way before that and stopped over a year ago. And she ended by saying she never wanted to see me again and at any rate she wasn't going to take advice from a mentally ill sister who would never amount to anything.

My sister has since had the baby, a beautiful little girl and my parents are going to see her this weekend....the problem is they want me to go too and I don't want to. I just keep thinking "why would I want to go and see anyone who thinks that of me, even if she is my sister?" All the same I feel guilty and more than a bit of a b!!!h for not going. I have brought a present for the baby, its not much but I don't have much money, being a single Mum on benefits.I do have a part time cleaning job but its all I can manage because of childcare issues.

My sister does not contact me from one week to the necxt and the last time I heard from her was because she wanted some legal advice, she never phones just to chat and she has always ridiculed me for my beliefs (I'm a vegetarian).....and whenever she doesn't get her own way with my parents she throws a hissy fit, blaming my parents for messing up her life and threatening them with never seeing the grandchildren again....

Am I wrong not to speak to her? Should I just forgive and forget or do I have a point? I have never had an apology from her for the things she said to me and they were really awful made me feel really bad and worthless for about a week and even now I feel angry and upset....

Thanks for listening

January20

I have no contact with my sister. I agonised a lot about what to do about the relationship but in the end (cutting a long story short) I could never forgive her for being nasty to my dd so... I thought about it and came to the conclusion that if she wasn't my sister, she wouldn't be in my life because she certainly wouldn't be my friend.

You sister - if you don't mind me saying so - sounds like a spoilt brat and a bit of a cow. She has no right to judge you like she does about your choices and your life in general. You parents should realise that and back you up but my experience is that parents want happy family with everyone getting on, so I think you need to put yourself and your dd first and do what makes you happy.

At 5 your dd will pick up on the vibes and the conversations, and I would be concerned about her. My dd was very hurt that my sister didn't appear to like her as she couldn't understand that in this world there are some mean and selfish people who even as adults behave like naughty children.

Fitzio

I think if I were in your position where you have a history of self-harm, you don’t need extra stress in your life and need to put your own health and your child first. If your sister does nothing for you other than give you abuse, and you think you can happily live without her being part of your life, then do it. The only thing that worries me in situations like this is putting other people in an awkward situation such as your parents who are obviously doing what they think is best for both of you.
I would suggest that you don’t go out of your way to go down and visit her etc, but be civil if there is a family situation where it’s unavoidable that you meet (for the sake of your parents). I also think that as hard as it can be, you should let your parents deal with her in their own way and keep any opinions on her to yourself otherwise you run the risk of slagging her off and coming out no better than her. Whether they do or don’t give her money is up to them and letting it bother you will only stress you out. It won’t make any difference to her.
It is nice of you to buy the baby a present as it’s obviously not the poor child’s fault.
Good luck with whatever you decide. x

nettttie

Sorry, its short am off to bed.

I'd send a card and gift for the baby but I wouldn't go to visit. Second thoughts ask DD to make a card. I bought a lovely photoframe from a charity shop or try TKMax they have good baby stuff in the clearance department. Dont make yourself to be the bitter one but you dont need to see someone who makes you feel bad - sister or no sister X

BitterAndTwisted

Some sound advice from Fitzio. In your position I'd send the present and not go to visit but not actually say that you'll never go: to her or your parents.

It sounds like your sister has some issues of her own where family relationships are concerned and it sounds like contact with her is completely corrosive. Why is it that people think they can be so beastly to those closest to them? I doubt their friends would tolerate it and I don't see why you should either. Sometimes you just have to accept that a relationship of this kind is just not healthy for you, so protect yourself and avoid contact. She sounds horribly jealous and insecure to me, not to mention childish and selfish and that's why she thinks it's OK to criticise and denigrate.

I probably wouldn't be completely candid with your parents about how you feel about this, however. Tough one

lolababy

Steer clear of her. Send a card and present for the baby with your parents and leave it at that.
Id tell your parents what she has said and tell them that for the sake of the peace you think its best that you stand back. Its better that you are open with them so that they are aware of your reason for not visiting your sister. At the end of the day your sister thinks that being nasty puts her above others. Your parents need to stop giving in to her and tell her in no uncertain terms that they wont be blackmailed.
Look after yourself and your child and dont let this mean ,spitefull ,woman have control over you. The less you hear or see her the better off you are.

Notsosharp

Thank you for all your replies, I had made up my mind, I am just sick of her doing this and expecting everything to be OK afterwards. She does this on a fairly regular basis and each time my parents give in and go and visit her. It causes arguements between my parents because the vitriol is usually aimed at Mum, she gets upset but Dad won't ever take Mum's side and tries to justify my sister's behaviour. Mums like "oh lifes too short and she is your sister" but if she wasn't she is not the type of person I would have anything to do with......

I don't normally get involved in the arguements between Mum and my sister but I do get upset at some of the things my sister says to Mum. This time Dad did say that he wasn't going to be blackmailed when I told him what she had said but he gave in anyway. I got involved this time because Mum told me what my sis had been saying about me and she thought I ought to able to defend myself only to get the response I did.......its obvious what my sis really thinks of me and I would feel extremely uncomfortable playing happy families knowing this.....but to be honest I don't think my sister even cares I'm not speaking to her!