Mother won't speak to me...

vaksam

So, as of last Sunday my mother has seemingly decided that she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore, and wants me out of her life. Sorry this is going to be long!

I don’t categorically know why, as she won’t see/talk to me to discuss matters, but I can make an educated guess. It’s all down to my perceived ‘selfishness’ and ‘disinterest’ in her. It all seems to have came to a head over the weekend, we were supposed to be going to visit my grans grave at some point over the weekend, the weekend had been booked out for ages but as yet we hadn’t set a day. Mum asked me to drive, as she was due to go away for a few days at some point the following week and didn’t want to do two long drives in the space of a few days. My job requires a lot of travel, often at short notice as the business requires, and as it happens I was notified mid way through last week that I’d need to be travelling at the crack of dawn on Monday, and again later in the week. So I contacted mum to ask if there was any chance we could go on Saturday, so I could be rested up ready for a tough week ahead. I texted her rather than ringing, as I was in the middle of a particularly nasty stomach bug, and was curled up in bed in agony in between running to the loo! She rang me straight back, but at that point I was back in the bathroom so missed the call, and rung her back about 10 minutes after. In response to my ‘hello’, didn’t say hello, just launched into hysteria. She screamed at me that she couldn’t possibly go on Saturday, she was having her hair done, it would be her only chance, that due to problems that she’s having with her house (an entirely separate long story) she wasn’t going to be able to go away after all, it was her only chance to go away, that she had to go out on Friday so wouldn’t be able to make important phone calls she needed to make, how is she expected to do all this on her own, she’s retired now so shouldn’t have to do all these jobs in the house on her own, that we’d agreed to go to the cemetery on the Saturday (we hadn’t), her life is a living hell etc etc. I sympathised but was feeling so rough that I probably didn’t come across too well, and it was left that we’d leave it for this weekend and go when (and if) she got back from being away.

The next thing I get is a text on Sunday night, asking me if I’d remembered that she needs some magazines from me before she goes away on Tuesday, and that I will need to drop them off to her the next day (when she knows as per our conversation during the week that I will be away with work). I was taken aback by this, as she’d been complaining all through the planning process for the trip that she couldn’t set a date to go because she wasn’t sure what her hosts plans were, and as of our phone conversation in the week she wasn’t going at all! I was quietly fuming, but couldn’t reply straight away anyway. Fifteen minutes later I get a text asking me to leave said magazines along with my set of keys to her house on my doorstep for her to collect! I asked her twice what the problem was, but just got told via text ‘how dare you mess me around like this’. I left the mags and keys on the doorstep as requested, and they were collected sometime in the evening, followed by another text asking me to collect anything of mine still at her house within the next two weeks.

My mum has acted like this in the past, this used to happen a lot when I lived at home where the pattern went like this – she’d just stop talking to me or my brother (whoever was at fault) other than telling us we’d have to leave because of our ‘selfishness, and disinterest in being part of a family’. We’d then have to (literally) beg her to tell us what was wrong along with profuse apologies for whatever we’d done (which at this point we never knew), and at that point she might begin to thaw out a little, tell us what we needed to do to redeem ourselves etc etc. It normally happened when we were particularly busy with work/studies/got a new bf or gf etc etc. I think the problem has been that as a single mum who didn’t work through bringing us up she’s leaned a lot on both of us, maybe a little too much, and has found it hard when we started to develop our own lives and relationships. My gran developed alzheimers and then had a stroke and so needed an incredible amount of care, and for a good year while the house was sold and until we found my gran a care home I literally went to work, and helped out with my gran – I had no life whatsoever, but family came first and this was an emergency situation. After this in autumn 2006, I started a relationship with my now OH. My mum has never hesitated to show her dislike for him, and objected to me spending time with him while I lived at home. It escalated to the point where she threw me out of home on boxing day 2006, and I went to live with OH full time (far too soon for both of us, we now agree)!

Despite all of this we were getting on ok, we made sure we saw her often and regularly dropped everything to help out whenever she asked – OH has the patience of a saint as she is still nasty to him unless she needs his help with the computer etc. Mum now refuses to make any decisions regarding her house without consulting me (which usually leads to me having to make the decision) on the grounds that ‘it’ll be yours one day so I need your input’. This input normally is needed when I’m at work, and a decision has to be made there/then, or I’ll get a phone call in the day saying I will need to drop in after work that night to read some important correspondence that has arrived, with tantrums being had if I can’t. I’ve obviously tried to nip this in the bud as me and OH were both made redundant twice in 2007 and have since worked hard to get back on track both financially and career-wise, with us both changing directions significantly to work in more ‘secure’ sectors.

I think it boils down to the fact that up until this year I’ve put my mums problems/needs first, despite having lived away from home, and this has affected my relationship, my work, and I’ve felt like I’ve been pulled in a million directions! This year though has been particularly bad and so I’ve had to put my needs firmly first for a change. I now spend two hours a day commuting, not counting any extra travel I need to do, which I do find tough. We started the year with no manager at work, so the workload and responsibility has increased. We’ve had redundancies and have lost one team member, so now there’s two of us doing the work of four people, which obviously means much longer hours having to be put in. OH is under the care of two different consultants for two lots of medical problems which is affecting his work, and is in the middle of a load of legal issues. One of our cats has been really ill and has needed increased care over the year and this situation isn’t likely to change. On top of that we have been trying to sort out our flat, as most of my things were still in boxes from when I moved in, as we’d literally not had time to sort them out.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I am deliberately not trying to call/text as this would be following the old pattern of me begging to know what I’ve done, and I want her to realise that this behaviour just isn’t acceptable – if you have a problem with me, talk to me about it and we’ll try to resolve it, don’t just stop speaking to me. But I know my mum, she’s stubborn and will not bring herself to make the first move, even if she knows she’s in the wrong. I’m particularly worried as I am/was the only member of the family she has any kind of relationship with – she has fallen out with all of them over the years and no longer speaks to anyone else. I just don’t know what to do for the best.

Silverbird

Not meaning to come across as harsh, but it sounds as though your mother has some real issues and has done throughout her life.

This all seems very petty and I have put myself in your shoes and tried to imagine the situation and if it were me I would politely inform her that I will no longer be texting her and that if she wished to communicate with me she should telephone or arrange to meet face to face. Perhaps let her know that you expect her to be civil to you on the phone and if she has any kind of problem with you then it is up to her to discuss this calmly with you face to face.

I do think that people tend to be more rude and abrupt when texting and it's certainly not a way I would choose to communicate to my mother with, and vice versa (although I do realise you were unwell etc).

If after all of this she is still being daft, then I personally would leave well alone. She's not helping herself and only driving people away and if she can't see that then it's her loss and she'll be a very lonely woman. I realise she's your mother, but I do feel she's behaving very childishly here and you deserve to be living your own life and doing your own things now.

RadoJo

You poor thing - it sounds as though your Mum's ability to manipulate you is becoming the basis of your entire relationship, which must be hard for you. It sounds as though your Mum is desperately insecure about your relationship, but she cannot be allowed to constantly 'test' your loyalty or willingness to do things for her.
If she won't explain what her problem is, then I think you need to put the ball back in her court - could you leave her a message or write her a note (basically say what you want to say without her being able to interrupt) saying that you want to have a good relationship with her, but you cannot if she won't communicate with you, and as far as you are concerned the next move is up to her.
If she does have a legitimate reason for being upset (bearing in mind it is her perception of legitimate) then she has to bring it out in the open and allow you a chance to discuss it, but if she's just flexing her maternal muscles and checking that you're still at her back and call, then she has to let go a little and stop trying to control your life. I don't think begging or apologising for something you're unaware of will help at all, and it's probably because she has been able to manipulate you for so long that she reverts to this tactic, but if you could show her that whilst you love her and will do what you can to help, you are not her pet and will have to be given the courtesy of proper communication.
Good luck - it sounds like an awful position to be in, but it won't change unless you make it happen.

zzzLazyDaisy

(((((hugs)))))

I didn't want to read and run. You have my sympathy, sometimes people feed on the attention/drama/emotional turmoil that creating a crisis generates.

My mum is gone now, but she had a knack of throwing a lighted firework into the centre of mine and my sister's lives, with the result that we would both spend days and weeks worrying and fretting, dancing attendance around her and generally letting the results of her conduct consume our lives... and she's sit back and watch. I'm not saying she did it deliberately, and I'm not saying she didn't have her own emotional problems - she certainly did.

BUT we had to learn not to rise to the bait. To put our lives and those of our families first, and to allocate mum a carefully cordoned space in our lives that had boundaries.

In the end this is YOUR problem, not your mother's. YOU are the one in turmoil. YOU are the one who is worrying and fretting and trying to find a solution to the problem. SHE probably doesn't even realise that you are spending so much time thinking about this - in fact the problem is probably that she believes you have your own life and you don't think about her enough so she has to create these dramas to get/keep your attention.

I would probably send her some flowers, with a note saying you are sorry she feels like this, and that you would love to hear from her when she feels like a chat (or something suitable along those lines). And then just give her some space and concentrate on enjoying your own life.

If you haven't heard from her after a couple of weeks or a month, send her a nice little card just saying something like 'hi mum, hope you are okay, we are all well, love xx' - or if you feel up to it, maybe ask her out for sunday lunch - but on your terms and when it suits you.

The point is not to get into firing off texts or confrontational telephone conversations, but to remain in touch calmly and in a way that has a lasting effect - hence flowers or a card, that will remind her you ARE thinking of her, without sapping your emotional energy.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, or feels relevant to your own situation. So if it sounds like a load of cobras, just ignore me - someone else will be along soon, I'm sure... :-)

xx

Silverbird

Just had another thought and:

I want her to realise that this behaviour just isn’t acceptable – if you have a problem with me, talk to me about it and we’ll try to resolve it, don’t just stop speaking to me


Perhaps text her the above, which is - word for word - what you wrote in your first post. I would add an extra bit at the end about no longer texting her to avoid misinterpretation and the like (if you agree that this might be a good idea).

pulliptears

She sounds an awful lot like my mum to be honest. Since Dad died mine has been very clingy and if I dont drop everything and come running she goes for the emotional blackmail (i.e Im going now to be with your Dad) etc.

Ive found that I had to stand firm, when she pulls the lines like "Im going to be with your Dad" I just tend to say "Ok Mum". I refuse to drop everything now and I do what I can.

Much like mine yours needs to understand that you have your own life and can only do so much. I agree with Silverbird, send her that text. Mine came to a head a few weeks ago and I told her pretty much what silverbird has said and so far things have been better.

Good luck. I know what it feels like to be pulled in those directions.

mrcow

Is there anyting at her house that you actually want? Or is it just old stuff that you have not need for?

I'm afraid I'd let her stew until she calmed down. If she said anything further about your stuff, I'd tell her to bin it as you have no need for any of it.

And if she's rude to you again, then I'd be inclined to tell her to get back in contact when she's calmed down and has had a chance to think about how her words and actions affect the feelings of others.

There is no way she'd get away with speaking to others like that. Why do you let her do it to you?

Dave101t

yes i agree, leave her to it, she needs you more than you need her.

my mum sometimes goes off like this, ive noticed she complains that my other brothers dont visit so much, and it turns out its because of her deteriorating attitude to them.

expecting too much, giving too little. id keep well away.

vaksam

Aghhh I just did a huge post and lost it! I will try again!

Silverbird – My mum does have issues, but I’m afraid that now her issues are becoming my issues iykwim? You’re also right about the texting, I normally think it’s much quicker just to pick up the phone it’s just that I was feeling so rubbish on that particular day!

RadoJo – I think you’ve hit the nail on the head in saying that manipulation is becoming the entire basis of our relationship. It has increasingly become a case of, she snaps her fingers and expects me to jump, and I can’t continue like that. I think a lot of the problem is that I didn’t move out until I was 26 – which is obviously quite late for this day and age – so it’s had an awfully long time to get ingrained.

zzzLazyDaisy and pulliptears – I’m glad to learn that you’ve ‘managed’ – is that the right word? Similar situations. One of my fears is losing my mum without being able to have a more two-way relationship with her, and I think it’s me that’s going to have to try and make the change and set the foundations for this.

Mrcow – at first I thought you were my OH, as this is what he comes back to – why do I let her talk to me like this, I would never let anyone else? As for the stuff, I’ve had to adopt a ‘if I don’t use it, it goes’ mantra through lack of space in our flat, so whilst it’s stuff it would be nice to have if we had the space one day, I can live without it.

A lot of you suggested the card/flowers approach which is a really good suggestion, it’s an approach, but not an overt one and it leaves the door open for her to contact me if she so wishes. I will pop one through the door so she gets it when she gets back from her trip.

Once again, thank you all so much! Wish I could Thank you all twice J

Irish_Cailin

I agree with Silverbird post #5. But not so sure your your mum is capable of wanting to hear your side of the story. For sure some people like her see nothing wrong in the way they behave, it is always the other persons fault. "Pooe Me" no one cares. I speak from experience.

How awful for you, your mother is in a power struggle with you. Probably still sees you as her little child and how dare you behave like an adult and have a life of your own and not ask "how high" when she says jump. She wants you as her puppet on a string in order to stay in control in the relationship.

But it is now time for you to change the dance between you. Concentrate on how you want to change your reaction to her in order for you to feel in control of yourself. You or anyone else can not change her. We can only change ourselves.

Detaching from demanding and unreasonable parents is very difficult. Fear of causing them hurt, guilt, shoulds ifs and musts haunt us in the process because we are so enmeshed with the parent.
Sometimes its not possible to do it without professional help. Would you consider seeing a counselour.