Help me please

callan05

Hi

I ve read this forum for a while and value the advice given to others so i thought i should write in the hope that someone can help me.

Firstly i am in debt to my eyeballs and really struggling to keep my head above water. I used to be very good with my money and then it all changed when i met my now ex girlfriend, i thought i had met the 'one'. She worked when we got together but her shifts got less and less until none at all. By this time we were living together and i was supporting her. Shortly after she fell pregnant and we had our amazing son. Fast forward a couple of years and we seperated, she still hadn't worked but i didn't mind so much as she looked after our son. She moved out the family home and stripped it of everything bar a sofa. She took the car and i gave her £1000 for her rent and deposit.

Since then i struggle with access to my son & we have been embroiled in a bitter court case as i just want to be a proper daddy to him but she wont allow this unless its on her terms. She has a new BF and they are building a happy family together and i feel shoved out.

Today i owe in excess of £30k i dont know exactly how much as it scares me to work it out. I have been under the care of the mental health team at work since this all happened. I am fortunate to still have a job and im grateful that i have received the understanding from work. I am serving in the Royal Navy and i have recently taken on a 2nd job to try and get out of this mess.

Today i am being taken to court for non payment of my legal fees as no matter how many hours i work i just cant physically get the money together. I don't receive legal aid but my ex does so she can push this as far as she likes.

She is also suing me under the new co-habittee law and is demanding £4000.00 or she will take me to court. I can't afford to pay this but also i can't afford to defend it. I'm stuck. I am currently selling everything i own and working all the hours i can but its making very little dent. I've been trying to sell the house for nearly a year but despite dropping the price to less than paid for it 3 years ago i ve not had any viewings.

I'm sorry this has been so long but if anyone can help has been through this please advise me.

I'm on the brink of collapse & just want it to go away. If it wasn't for my little boy i'd end it all

russt2000

HI, the only thing I can usefully suggest is that ignoring the money side of things you need more support than you mental health tem at work!! the comment at the end says it all , please go and seek more help with your depression.

the legal side ,complicated as it is , go and see a solicitor again use the free initial time they all offer go and see CAB monay advice team , put together a financial statement detail it all ,the court will not take more money off oyu if you have nothing to live on !! thats a fact. get it all down on paper, get someone to help you so its done fully CAB will do this free and help withe the court case free.
Sort the debts and do the access seperately , try to seperate it all down ,so as not to look to daunting as a whole.

please seek support asap.

good luck
russ

TCM_3

Hi Callan

First of all, well done for posting, you've done the right thing.

Secondly, please take some legal advice. You can appeal the legal aid decision - we did, although we did not get 100% legal aid we had to pay £1000 for my OH's court battle with his nutcase of an ex-wife but we were able to pay that off. Can you apply for tax credit or housing benefit or anything like that? A second job would maybe mean you being taxed more, just be careful with that and also you want to leave some time to spend with your little boy - i take it you have access to him?

I need to have a think about this one, I'm not a person to give you financial advice but I will share my story with you and try and help through a custody/access point of view and help any way i can.

Am thinking of you, it will be ok
T xxxx

andys15

I am ex Navy myself and I am sure that they could help. I would speak to your DO and even request to speak to your Commanding officer. Get rid of the house, you always have a place to stay in the Navy(ship free of charge, shoreside reduced rates). Noone can touch you inside a Navy base, debt collectors, court orders. I was once on the main gate and they tried to issue a court order to someone, the provost stepped in and removed said person. Out of all this though the most important factor is your son. I feel in order to put closure on this you need to sort out financial issues which requires you to speak to a debt charity. Once that is sorted and the house(biggest burden) is gone even at a loss, you will be in a much healthier position to work out access with your son. I would also speak to someone about your Navy pension, and make sure your cow of an ex has no claims on it.

inmypocketnottheirs

andys15 wrote: »

I am ex Navy myself and I am sure that they could help. I would speak to your DO and even request to speak to your Commanding officer. Get rid of the house, you always have a place to stay in the Navy(ship free of charge, shoreside reduced rates). Noone can touch you inside a Navy base, debt collectors, court orders. I was once on the main gate and they tried to issue a court order to someone, the provost stepped in and removed said person. Out of all this though the most important factor is your son. I feel in order to put closure on this you need to sort out financial issues which requires you to speak to a debt charity. Once that is sorted and the house(biggest burden) is gone even at a loss, you will be in a much healthier position to work out access with your son. I would also speak to someone about your Navy pension, and make sure your cow of an ex has no claims on it.

Excellent advice.

Not much more I can add, but didn't want to read and run.

Hope that you find the help you need. You can and will get through this.

Verbatim

Sounds an awful situation but thankfully you're not married so she has very limited (any??) rights to your property. Of course supporting your son will remain a responsibility but it sounds as if you welcome that.

What new law on cohabitation? I thought this was still being considered and that nothing has changed in law as yet?

Good luck with getting the help you need. The Cab can help with getting you help with the legal aspects as well as money advice. They often have access to legal advice centres and lawyers prepared to take on "pro bono" work.

andys15

As a foot note remember you are a serving member of the Royal Navy, the senior service. You are not just an employee for some company. As much as I sometimes hated the rules and regulations that came with being in the senior service, they do look after their own. This is not just some job you have, as corny as it sounds it is a way of life. They have all the resources to take care of any mental issues you have, there is always someone to talk to (pastor etc). You are in great hands, and at the end of the day, you serve the Queen, the Royal navy and the public, when they need you, you are there, well the opposite is also true, when you need help the Royal Navy will be there. I am not taking the Mick I truly mean it.

TCM_3

Callan
I've had a bit of a think - do you have what is called "parental responsibility" with your son? Is your name on the birth certificate, if you were not married to his mum at the time he was born? That could be one starting point to look at with legal aid.
I agree with the others, I'm sure the Navy would help if they knew the situation. Was her name on the deeds of the house or on the mortagage? Make sure she does not get her oar into that if at all possible. Any joint accounts, explain to the bank etc that you have seperated and get her name off them. She sounds like a bit of a gold digger.
Can you have a payment break on your mortagage?
There will be others along here with much better advice. It may be awful now for you, but you will come through this, just keep thinking of your gorgeous little boy, x

callan05

Hi

Thanks for the replies and thanks for the support. I will make time to go to CAB or speak to debt charity. The Navy are fully aware of my situation and have been tremendously supportive which i will be forever grateful.

I do now have parental rights which was established at a previous court hearing. Which has helped insofar as i can now speak to the nursery and things. My wee boy has speech problems or i should say doesn't speak, which i blame myself for because of all the turbulence he has been through. I want this over for him !

The other things - My navy pension is safe as we weren't married

If i drop the price of the house much further i will be in danger of negative equity. She was never on the mortgage or title deeds.

My 2nd job is cash in hand it doesn t pay much but i manage to live off of it for the week at the moment.

I will speak to the lawyer about appealing the legal aid i just always thought i earned too much to qualify. Also i ve been given a 4 week continuance by court to make payments towards legal fees.

I will also call the mortgage people about taking a payment break and hopefully that can help.

I live in Scotland so i think the cohabittee law came in a couple of years ago here. My ex has issued the writ so it must be.

I do pay religiously every month £220 maintenance and i would never grudge this. I think thats the problem though as she knows i will do anything to see my son and is trying to milk what she can.

As for the mental health side of things, its brought me to the edge a few times and i nearly lost my job over it. I had started to see light at the end of a long lonely tunnel till the letter came in yesterday regarding the cohabitte claim. I have a few months to get fixed and need to show the navy that i can do my job or i will lose it. I ve been in 17 years so i ve come to far to give up now. The navy was the thing that came between us (she hated it) but its the one constant i have.

I just want to say thankyou so much to you all you have been a great help. I just feel im moaning at you and should get it together but its hard as my head is spinning. I am at work now sat opposite my boss and struggling to keep it together i really just want to break down. However today is the day that i get to see my wee boy and that gets me through. I pick him up in a public car park as my ex has moved house and i don't know where to, its not fair for him as its outside a kids soft play and i can't afford to take him in so its torture for him.

Through it all i know there is fault on both sides i am by no means innocent im just trying to do my best for him and make the right decisions i just wish there was somebody that could make her wake up and be an adult about all this, and make her realise we are tie dto each other till our dying day as i am the one person that will always be there for my little boy and the one person she can rely on with him and i will never go away or let him down.

Thankyou and sorry its so long and boring but my head is mush

MellyB_2

Callan05,

Don't you ever feel like you are moaning on this forum!!
Everyone is here to listen and help, so if you ever feel down, I'm sure there will be people on here to help you out.

Hope everything goes well for you.

MellyB

RAS

Callan

Please speak to CAB, CCCS or NDL. They all have Scottish specialists. When you do, you need to explain the mental health issues, as creditors should not be pursuing you if they are advised of the situation. Now they are pretty poor about complying but the debt charities may be able to get you the space you need to sort out the legal fees.