[Relationship advice] Am I wasting my time?

athina_2

I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend on/off for 8 years now. For the first four years we were on/off when finally I snapped and told him he either wants me or doesn't. At the time he said he will committ to the relationship as he didn't want to lose me.

So all is fine until he gets a new job which requires a lot of travel in the far east. For the next two years he was working there and I saw him once every 3 months for 2 weekends.

3 years after him travelling whilst being my boyfriend my nagging finally gets him to apply for a job at the company where I work, where he got offered and accepted. At the time I was looking for a new place to rent so suggested we move in together but he said no it may be too much too soon since we would be working in the same department. I was upset but accepted this since I was just happy that finally we would be in the same town.

Now 1 year on (so 4 years as my boyfriend), he hates his job although things are good between us. He wants to start studying to do an MBA full time which will mean him leaving & possibly going abroad next year for 1-2 years. We still don't live together as he is thinking of leaving already as he hates the job so does not want to get tied into a new rental contract (seems logical to me so not a huge problem there). But if he goes abroad again then I will be absolutely devastated. I'm not even sure if I will wait for him.

He seems to lack committment. He has told me many times that I am the one and he does want to get married and have a family with me but I feel it is taking too long for things to happen. It has been 8 years now since we met and I am very frustrated that there is still a few years ahead before he wants to settle.

I am not sure if I should set a deadline now as I am so aware that time is passing by quickly in my prime years and I don't want to look back in 2 years time, still be in the same position and think that I have wasted the past 10 years of my life (in fact my entire 20's). I love him very much and he loves me too but.....

Am I wasting my time here or am I being impatient? I would really appreciate some advice from other people as I am really starting to tear my hair out wondering if I am pressuring him too much

fannyadams

My big bruvver gave me the benefit of his wisdom and every time I have not listened it has come back to bite me on the bum.
"As you travel along lifes highway you must Always go forward and NEVER go back"
Every time I have gone back to a BF or GF I have been hurt even more the second time for break up.
I hear your biological clock ticking from here!
talk to him - I mean REALLY talk to him. Only you know what you really want from life, and if you talk to him you'll know what he wants too.
Hope it works out the way you both want.
Definately going to bed now.

homersimpson_3

he hates his job although things are good between us. He wants to start studying to do an MBA full time which will mean him leaving & possibly going abroad next year for 1-2 years.

i have some sympathy with you bf (boyfriend)- my friend is extremely miserable at the moment only because he hates the job. he likes the place but has been moved to another role and it's caused no end of misery and upset in every area of his life.
why does your bf need to move abroad to do his mba? why can't he do it in this country? if he hates his job why not gain satisifaction from things outside of work (college, voluntary work etc) and do mba part-time- that way he has income coming in and achieving his goal. why did you nag him to get a job in you company- do you want to be with him all the time- this could be disastrous in some cases for relationships- you see too much of each other and run out of things to talk about.

But if he goes abroad again then I will be absolutely devastated.

- do you have a life apart from him- own interests, friends etc-
is bf one of these people who want to be a continual student- what does he want to do with life- ok he goes to do his mba then what? what are his long-term aims and objectives? the aim of the mba is..........what?
if you want family- and concerned about biological clock ticking away- why not get married and have baby before he goes. bf must want this aswell.
could/would you be prepared to bring up child on own for 2 years- could you afford it?
could you go abroad with him or are you giving up too much?
if you want to be with him all the time could you set us business together-him full time & you part-time initially. gets him away from job he hates; you spend time together and have an income just in case it goes wrong- rent flat above the business.

mentaljessie

I think your wasting your time 8 years is a long time. I've had 2 long relationships current BF moved in with me after 18 months. Yes he's got commitment phobia, but he's made some commitment to me, I'm the missus as he puts it and he acknowledges that fact. My BF is also studying like yours but at the end of it, as he puts it it's a better future for us. Does your BF speak in these terms it's a good indication his intentions? As to the overseas travel my BF used to do this as part of his job but he made it sure I was no 1 priority. Men will tell you anything to keep you (my ex did) at the moment BF is viewing you as his safety net. If i were you I would ask the BF a few home truths, you need to know and from this make your own decisions. Trust your gut instinct and go with it. Good luck.

Sofa_Sogood

athina wrote:

I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend on/off for 8 years now. For the first four years we were on/off when finally I snapped and told him he either wants me or doesn't. At the time he said he will committ to the relationship as he didn't want to lose me.

So all is fine until he gets a new job which requires a lot of travel in the far east. For the next two years he was working there and I saw him once every 3 months for 2 weekends.

3 years after him travelling whilst being my boyfriend my nagging finally gets him to apply for a job at the company where I work, where he got offered and accepted. At the time I was looking for a new place to rent so suggested we move in together but he said no it may be too much too soon since we would be working in the same department. I was upset but accepted this since I was just happy that finally we would be in the same town.

Now 1 year on (so 4 years as my boyfriend), he hates his job although things are good between us. He wants to start studying to do an MBA full time which will mean him leaving & possibly going abroad next year for 1-2 years. We still don't live together as he is thinking of leaving already as he hates the job so does not want to get tied into a new rental contract (seems logical to me so not a huge problem there). But if he goes abroad again then I will be absolutely devastated. I'm not even sure if I will wait for him.

He seems to lack committment. He has told me many times that I am the one and he does want to get married and have a family with me but I feel it is taking too long for things to happen. It has been 8 years now since we met and I am very frustrated that there is still a few years ahead before he wants to settle.

I am not sure if I should set a deadline now as I am so aware that time is passing by quickly in my prime years and I don't want to look back in 2 years time, still be in the same position and think that I have wasted the past 10 years of my life (in fact my entire 20's). I love him very much and he loves me too but.....

Am I wasting my time here or am I being impatient? I would really appreciate some advice from other people as I am really starting to tear my hair out wondering if I am pressuring him too much

Do you not think you've answered your own questions?

All the deadines, all what you feel should happen, and you snapping about the time length of your relationship?

If he loves you, he'll probably agree with your 'demands', which, unfortunately, look like that upon reading your post.

But good luck ....

elaine373

I dont think he is deliberately wasting your time but he definitely isnt ready to commit. I guess its up to you whether you are prepared to hang around in the hope he will be ready or make the break now?Eight years is long enough imho and he shouldnt have to think too hard if you are `the one`.

wigginsmum

Honestly? Yes I think you are.

What I get from your post is that you're desperate to try and engineer perceived commitment from him and he's going along with it to a certain extent but then asserting himself in others. I think you both want different things. I'd move on, although I appreciate after 8 years that's hard to do. But you could still be in this same position 10 years from now.

athina_2

Wow, thank you for all the replies and at only 9am! Well, to answer some questions asked: he wants to do an MBA at one of the top ten universities which are based in the US, UK, Paris or Singapore. His preference is London Business School but this is very difficult to get in as there is so much demand. He said if he went abroad he wants me to go with him. If it were Paris then I would be off like a shot as I have worked there before & love it & we also work for a French company so transfer for a year should not be too difficult. But if it were the US or Singapore then my answer would be no because I do not like the American working culture and it seems insane for me to give up a very good job to follow him so we are both jobless with me sitting at home miserable trying to find a temping job. A part time MBA is not a realistic option as a typical working day is 10 hours so he does not want to go home for more study. Also getting married and having a baby before he goes is not an option either as I don't want to be a single mum without a job. I wouldn't be able to cope on my own and he will have no income for the duration of his MBA.

So far he has given into my demands of leaving his job, taking a huge pay cut to work in the same town as me. I feel very guilty that I am pressuring him but I am so aware that my clock is ticking. He tells me that he will be ready for marriage either after his MBA (so late 2008) or if his grades are not good enough for an MBA then late next year (2007).

I have no doubt that he will get accepted into a good MBA school but my main problem is where and will it last. I will kick myself now if I leave but I will be kicking myself even more in 3 years time if I am still waiting.

I see all my friends around me settling down, getting married and talk about starting families and that is part of the reason why I am getting a bit depressed why doesn't my boyfriend want the same. But when I compare to his family, his brother is just like him so I don't think it's personal.

Oh I am so lost at what to do!

beverleyhills

Why not take a break from each other for a while. If you are 'the one' and he misses you, he'll be round like a shot. With flowers, if that's his style.

Good luck at this heart wrenching time.

rchddap1

You need to be talking to him about your feelings. No demands, just talk to each other.

Remember that different people want different things. And just because your friends are settling down that doesn't mean that its the right thing for either you or your boyfriend to do.

pickle

I think the more telling thing is that he wouldn't move in with you, what did he have to lose? He could have made up for the three years away but chose not to. I think that is the real question you need to consider before looking to the future.