Re contact

pen1206

If children aged between 12-14 choose not to want to nrp can they be made to we try and encourage them to go but they are starting to resent us, but when they tell the nrp she tells them you better as i will get a court oreder and the police will fetch you

LizzieS_2

Children mature at different ages. Courts rule on the maturity of the child, ie do they understand both their decision and the consequences.

I sympathise with the encouragement, as I have to do that sometimes. Perhaps now is a time to keep everyone happy by asking what contact the child really wants - supporting a decision to go for 3/4 of the time he/she normally goes for is far better than letting the child become so resentful that they don't want to go at all. Getting across to the nrp that you are actually helping maintain regular contact is another thing! - though again the courts would rule with what a mature child actually wants.

weegie.geek

At that age they should be old enough to understand what's going on, and to be able to form their own opinions.

Saying they'll get the police isn't going to help matters at all, what an idiot the nrp is...

Soubrette

pen1411 wrote: »

If children aged between 12-14 choose not to want to nrp can they be made to we try and encourage them to go but they are starting to resent us, but when they tell the nrp she tells them you better as i will get a court oreder and the police will fetch you

My 16 year old daughter will not visit her Dad (the NRP). Originally she never wanted to see him again (after a series of rows about the same thing made her dread going there for the weekend). I explained to her that although she might not want to see her Dad at the moment, he was her Dad and although maybe not the most understanding in some ways, in other ways he was a good dad. I also explained that she would lose out on seeing his side of the family (she has an absolutely lovely Nan). She will now visit for the day if he is seeing family and at least text and speak to him.

My 13 year old loves seeing her Dad and in fact is often a little bit upset that he doesn't want to see her enough and when he does the g/f is always there. I've tried to explain this to him but he's done nothing about it. At 13, if she has other things planned on Dad's weekends then she has to let him know in good time - otherwise off she goes.

I think for mine, a definite decision to stop staying at Dad's (depending on the reason) would be more a 15-16 age thing, however I would have no qualms with reducing access before this if it made them happier to stay over.

As Lizzie says though - children do mature at different ages. Another thing to think about, could it be that you are inadvertently putting them off going to the NRP? Sometimes the dislike (and believe me I hold a load of it for my ex) leaks through to the children from both the PWC and the NRP and the children feel they have to make a choice. I always make it clear to the girls that their Dad is their Dad but my ex hence I will have different feelings about him. It is fine for me to dislike him (and vice versa) but for them to love us both very much. I very strongly believe that children need a relationship with both their parents and that the PWC has to do their best to try and facilitate that. Of course they will not always succeed

Sou

Soubrette

pen1411 wrote: »

If children aged between 12-14 choose not to want to nrp can they be made to we try and encourage them to go but they are starting to resent us, but when they tell the nrp she tells them you better as i will get a court oreder and the police will fetch you

I just wanted to add that the situation between my 16 year old and her Dad has been bubbling away for about 2 years with the explosions between them increasing each time.

At one point he would not let her come home (during a weekend she was there) and I told her that I was more than happy to visit a solicitor with her and have the solicitor write a letter to her Dad explaining that at 15 her views were taken into account and she could not be forced into seeing someone she did not want to see against her will.

She chose not to but I did offer the option.

He also asked me to forbid her from coming home on his time - I don't forbid them from seeing him at any other time so I told him I would not be doing this.

If she was younger ie below 10 or was being more wayward (we don't have problems with her at home at all) then I might have considered it.

Sou

SuziQ

If you are really concerned that you having to put undue pressure on them to see him (and do give thought to what Soubrette posted-sometimes the kids pick things up without you even being aware) you can yourselves go to a court for a non-contact order. Usually a Cafcass officer is appointed to talk to the children about what they want. Telling the nrp you are considering doing this may make her stand back a bit? The children I know involved in this situation were only 10 and 7 and the court accepted their decision.

pen1206

thanks for your advice, this weekend the children are meant to see the nrp for three hours but alreay the children have made plans to do other things like sleep overs i think this is just an excuse not to see her

Soubrette

pen1411 wrote: »

thanks for your advice, this weekend the children are meant to see the nrp for three hours but alreay the children have made plans to do other things like sleep overs i think this is just an excuse not to see her

I expect it is, my daughter used to have a shower 5mins before her Dad was due to pick up the younger one

Here are some of my ideas for maintaining a relationship with the NRP:

Do you have any kind of relationship with the NRP? I spent months trying to explain where my daughter was coming from to her Dad but unfortunately, despite the fact that his relationship with her is more fraught than mine, he knows it all and doesn't need any advice :rolleyes:

If you do have a civil relationship then perhaps you could explain that threatening court orders actually makes them less likely to want to see her (maybe put it a bit more tactfully than that ).

Perhaps you could ask the children what it is that they dislike so much about seeing the NRP and seeing if that can be changed. Is it where the NRP lives, or her attitude? or feeling that their weekends are being disrupted? Something else entirely?

Is there a school counselling service that you could organise with the school? Maybe then the children could open up about the reluctance to see the NRP, without either PWC or NRP making them feel they have to react in certain ways.

Find out what the children would accept - one day a month - one weekend a month - agree that between all parties as a start and then stick to it in the short instance with a view to building on that in the future.

Is it worth involving Cafcass? Trying to arrange for the children to meet the NRP in a neutral place?

You could use my tack - basically nag into submission Point out all the good things about seeing the parent, the things they do, the family they see, point out that most people regret not having relationships with their families as they get older, point out things that the NRP has done for the children, even if you are remembering things when PWC and NRP were together. Try and forgive the NRPs behaviour now with the children, for example, the court comment is a silly thing to say but it shows how desperate the NRP is to stay in contact with the children. Point out that none of us are perfect. Point out things they will be missing by refusing contact - my daughter was shocked when I pointed out that she may not get birthday/christmas presents if she doesn't bother making an effort and I think she was even more shocked when I said if her Dad didn't bother this year then I personally wouldn't blame him.

You could lay down the law - 3 hours one day a week is not going to kill them and you insist they go, in the same way that you insist they follow other rules of the house.

When they come back from visiting the NRP - paint a big smile on your face and say - I'll bet you had a good time there - tell me about all the things you did.

Think how you would deal with this situation if they decided they didn't want to go to school. That how serious I view the situation of choosing not to see the NRP (obviously if there are child safety issues then that's a whole different ball game).

As the PWC, if you can work the situation so that eventually they go off with the NRP looking forward to it and they feel they've had a good time then you've just done something fantastic as a parent, in general children do better if they have a good relationship with both parents.

If, like me, you manage a partial success then at least you are leaving the door open to a better relationship in the future.

Good luck and please let us know how you are getting on.

Sou

tattycath

I have 2 children are in their teens. They often don't want to go and see their NRP. I do try to encourage them but I have also told their dad that hey do have friends etc and a social life and sometimes they want to do other things. I get them to phone him and their grandma regularly-2 or 3 times a week, I have tried to instill in them that he is their dad and time is precious etc etc. I also say things like... if you don't go this time you will have to go next time-daddy / grandma misses you etc etc
I don't know what the situation is with OPs NRP but the situation for us is that hteir dad never puts himself out for them. they know the routine at his house nearly every weekend they are there.
Saturday-he meets us and then takes them back to his.
En route they will call at supermarket for groceries.
get home put shopping away dad goes to pub either leaving them with grandma or asking if they want to join him
One of them will most likely stay with grandma and the other will play the computer for several hours-unless they have jobs to do.
Daddy comes home after a few hours and a few pints
sunday we meet up and kids come home with me.
They do the same thing most weekends and they say its boring-it's only because they are teenagers that I let them go-when they were much younger we lived closer to NRP so I was only 10 minutes drive away. Now I'm 2 hours away so if they are unwell before they are due to go I keep then with me-at their request. They are supposed to go every other weekend but now it's probably only once a month. Their dad never alters his pattern-goes to the pub every night, whether he has the children or not.
I think it is important to try and maintain some kind of relationship with NRP but there is only so much PWC can do once the children get to a certain age. If the NRP doesn't make an effort to spend time with the kids they aren't going to want to go.
hth

Soubrette

tattycath wrote: »

Ithere is only so much PWC can do once the children get to a certain age.
hth

This is very true and I think part of the problem is that my children's Dad wants it all on his terms - he chooses when to see them, when he sees them he chooses what to do. As children get older they want to do their own thing.

We're very lucky in some ways - PWC and NRP live within a mile of each other so at least they do have access to their friends wherever they are but it does mean they want to go out and do their own things on 'his' time.

Nonetheless, as the PWC I feel that it is my job to be the best parent I can be for the children, bearing in mind my own faults and failings , and part of that is doing the very best I can to maintain a relationship between them.

Like I said before though - sometimes even the very best we can do is just not good enough and if the NRP makes no effort either, then it's going to be pretty damn hard, if not impossible.

Sou

wen1

Wow I did not know that I have the same problem with my children not wanting to see their father or even hear the name DAD.
Non contact order.
He's is taking me to court for contact but I dont have a problem for the children to see him, in fact I would like a bit of time to myself it may sounds selfish but i do we all need to break.
I have 10 year old and 13 year old I have asked them for the last year every week and twice week I m like a broken record if they want to see there father.And it is the same answer no way .
The children have said they are used as tools because his family have giving him the cold shoulder when he left us for someone.He will only see his parents when he as the children, to safe guard himself from his MOTHER.
He igores them when they were going to stay for the weekend and if his special sport was on the TV they would be lucky to get a glass of water and would have to wait hours for lunch and evening meal sometime 10pm.
Arrive late to school in unwash school clothes and some times he would leave the washing until sunday evening

---

Get this GIrls this is no Joke microwave childrens socks to get dry.The list go's on some of the stupid things that he has done in the past which I had concerns with but I just got ignorant small minded man who doesn't care for his children wellfare or safely.

It will be interesting to see what the out come of my court case and will court want to talk to children.
They maybe children but they have a Voice too no matter what there ages are!!!!!!!!!!!!