Getting annoyed with my 20 year old son!

gilly41

Hi
My son is 20 and away at Uni. I am very proud of him and realise that money is short for him HOWEVER when he was back at Xmas I helped him work a budget out of £55 a week. This was just for him for spends and food(also petrol for a car which my ex hubbies parents bought for him but they pay the insurance whilst he is at Uni).
He said that when he went back after the Xmas hols he would also look for a part time job for that bit extra like his car tax!!Anyhow, he hasnt stuck to the budget and only this week(after i looked on the net for him!!) has he got himself a bar job 2 nights a week!!!
He has a girlfriend who he has being visiting every other weekend(goes on the train as he reckons cheaper than the car).She is away at Uni and has put huge pressure on him not to get a job so he can continue these visits!!!
Anyhow today i get a texted message. Can i borrow £20 this week mam as i am skint and have no food!!!!! And his loan doesnt go in til the beginning of April!!
Now, I am not in a position to be helping him out as I too am skint and just about managing to keep all bills up to date and paying off catalogue and credit card!!! I have had numerous chats with him about his over spending but he has continued to stick his head in the sand and have meals out, cinema trips and boozy nights in town. I dont just mean once a week - this is about 3 nights a week.
I explained long ago that this lifestyle couldnt be on a student loan and no other income!! But he chose not to hear what i was saying!!
I havent replied to his text yet- what do you advise i do!!
I am very cross with him!!
xx

Bestthingsinlifearefree

Tell him if he has no money sell the car.

If he feels uncomfortable doing that as it was a gift from his grandparents tell him to sell the car and return what cash he gets for it to them. He will at least save on the running costs of it.

No student apart from in exceptional circumstances needs a car. Walk around campus / bus / bicycle and bus / train home to parents end of term.

It is a luxury he cannot afford.

muddled_midget

As a fellow student I can sympathize with your son, it can be hard to be skint when everyone around you is spending, but tbh he's not going to learn if you keep bailing him out (I know I haven't, when my rent's due and I don't have enough to cover it I rely on either my dad or my bf to help me out although I do always pay them back, and they are in a position to help me) Uni's do have Hardship funds where you can go to get help if you really need it, and they will also sit down and go through his budget with him as well. If you really think he needs a wake up call tell him you can't afford the money and recommend he goes there. They are lovely people who genuinely want to help, but having to go and ask someone else for money like that may make him think a bit more in the future, I'm sure it would me!
Also thought this might take the weight off your shoulders a bit as you won't be responsible for bailing him out of this one!

Gerradene

can you send him some food? or vouchers?

(obviously that is not a long term solution - sorry)

[Deleted User]

Buy him some tinned beans and some value bread so he won`t starve then be brave and let him learn from what he is doing, so don`t give him any more money. As a mum to 3 children who have been through uni, I can tell you that he will continue to treat you and your home as though he is a completely dependent child. He is an adult now and time for him to be weaned. This is very difficult for a loving parent but you will be doing him a big long-term favour

lynzpower

I can just about remember my student days, and to be completely honest, whatever you say you may end up simply doing his head in. He is going to be under enormous social pressure to booze 7 nights a week so the fact that hes got himself a bar job and isnt going out on those nights is brilliant I reckon.

Of course we can all benefit from hindsight, a lot of the debt Im paying off is from uni and i finished in 99!

He should KNOW that you are skint and you dont have the cash for him, simple answer is, no son, I dont have it. He will manage- maybe by realising actually money doesnt fall out of the sky, if you cant scrounge it you have to earn it. If hes desperate he will be very "old style" with his tips!!

Budgeting is a nice idea, but for many of us here it doesnt come naturally until *enforced* situations ie no more credit, no money coming in, makes us all more creative and better money managers in the long run.

Raquela

I don't know if they still do this but my mum set up some kind of credit thing at tescos for my brother so he could buy food. Of course now they sell all sorts in tescos so could easily spend on dvds I suppose!

I'm a student, and I don't have money for rent at the end of the month; However I am expecting a cheque from the hardship fund at University, so shouldn't need to rely on anyone, but I know I can if it gets to that point. But I never go out; I think if I needed to rely on someone else because I spent it all on going out it would be less forthcoming. So, I think it might be a bit of a judgment call. What I would suggest is, do him a 20+ quid online shop, tell him to go to his student services, and make sure he understands he won't be bailed out again. It's cruel to be kind sadly...

themaccas

Hi Gilly, this is a difficult one, his priorities must be food and a roof over his head, anything else is a luxury really. Is there anyway he can pay for meals at the Uni canteen (if there is one) in advance so in future he will always be able to get a meal? I have a 15 yo that is away at boarding school and he has a small amount of pocket money we pay into his account every week as we pay his accomodation and food. If he runs out of money then he knows that that is it until he gets his pocket money again the next week, there is no more and he never asks because he knows it will be a no. I hope he goes to Uni but I will make sure that his accomodation and if possible his meals are paid for and covered in advance because then if he runs out of 'socialising' money then that is down to his budgeting at least he'll sleep and eat. I guess if you give into him this time this will happen again and I would be inclined to say NO, it will be tough for both of you and then guilt steps in doesn't it. Be strong and be firm Gilly, he'll thank you in the long run!
love and hugs

jitsuguy

Hi Gilly,

This happened to me when I was a student but I knew my parents couldn't afford to bail me out. So I applied to the hardship fund - which I think your son should do. It made me change the way I treated money.

Jitsuguy

jitsuguy

Oh,

One other thing - I put money on he does have 20 to get food! A few of my friends would ask Mummy and Daddy for a 'loan' even though they had enough to get them to the end of term! I'm not saying your Son is lying, but me might be trying it on and I bet his friends do it all the time.

amosworks

To be honest, nasty as it sounds - let him starve. My lowest point was when I couldn't afford to eat for 3 days and had nobody to call on. To say that was a turning point in my life was an understatement - it did things for me inside that I can't explain.

I suppose sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind