abandoned by bridesmaid

s4aRainyDay

I'm still in the initial planning stages of my wedding and have set a provisional date of October (yes, this year!) I have a group of friends from uni that I've always been really close with and asked them to be my bridesmaids. 2 were really excited and started making plans for the hen party straight away (i'm a bit scared!) the other ignored me for a week and then told me she couldn't make our date because she was planning on going away that weekend and wanted me to change the date. After finding our ideal venue and booking its only date this year, I don't really wnat to change the date. She now is upset becuase I'm planning my wedding when I knows she cant be there. it will be her 1yr anniversary with her bf, i wouldn't book a wkend away 6 months in advance, i wouldn't book my 1st anniversary 6 months inadavnce, and I wouldn't not go to my firends wedding beacue i was Planning on going away.

Am i being unresonable for not changing the date?
I;m getting quite stressed about this!Help

xjoannexxx

its your wedding and your day i think your friend is being selfish she could go away the weekend before or the weekend after your wedding.
I would just tell her that that is your wedding date and if she cant rearrange a weekend break to share it with you then thats her problem

poorandindenial

Hi there

I don't normally post here as I am not getting married but I couldn't read and run. I think she i being totally unreasonable and you are absolutaly in the right.

I have been a bridesmaid three and a half times (the 'half' had no bridsemaids but I stayed with her the night before, got her ready etc) and I wouldn't ever dream of doing something like this.

Please don't let it get you down, this might sound harsh but I would be questioning how much of a friend she is. For me to miss a friend's wedding it would have to be a pretty major reason. To miss being a bridesmaid for a good friend? I would be flattered to have been asked, honoured to accept and walked over hot coals to do the job!

Please don't let this selfish mare make you feel like poo. Unless she has a bloody good reason she should be with you all the way.

poet123

Ok,just passing through,as having been married 28 happy years I am not usually on this board,but here is my 2p.

Lots of people have "dates"which are of significance to them,and another date simply won't do. So,her date clashes with your self confessed provisionally planned wedding,so you have 2 choices,change the date as she already has plans,or keep it as is is and accept that she won't be there. Having told you immediately you mentioned the date, means she is telling the truth and not making an excuse,it is a valid reason imo. Imagine 12 months on,and you and DH plan a weekend away for your anniversary,would you be happy to shelve those plans for a friend,who told you she had provisionally decided on a date?or would you gently suggest another date would suit you better?

Sometimes brides get tunnel vision,and dont see that others have lives too. I think your mistake was to say it was provisional,you need to fix a date and go with it regardless of who can/cannot attend.

Lots of people plan well in advance,so 6 months is not unusual imo. Also, you have not been abandoned by a bridesmaid,that is a touch of bridezilla creeping in,(no offence intended)a friend has simply said she cannot attend you, because she has prior plans. That is life.

kelda_shelton

Nah I think shes being unfair. She hasnt booked anything. its her one yr annivrsary - who says she'll even be with him at that point?? And if she is how come they can't change the weekend to the week before?

juno

kelda_shelton wrote: »

Nah I think shes being unfair. She hasnt booked anything. its her one yr annivrsary - who says she'll even be with him at that point?? And if she is how come they can't change the weekend to the week before?

Because it's her 1 year anniversary, not her 51 week anniversary!

becs

Blimey I totally disagree with Poet123! If it was her first WEDDING anniversary I would agree but a 1st anniversary as boyfriend and girlfriend, come on! As she's only been with him 5 months who is to say they will even be together in a year! A wedding is far more important than a 1 year bf/gf anniversary! Personally I think celebrating anniversary as bf/gf etc is a bit pathetic anyway! Marriage is the real commitment and the one that should be celebrated. Celebrating the fact that you have been dating for a year is nice but certainly not worth even considering someone to rearrange their wedding day for!

poet123

As I understand it from the OP,the date was sugggested to the potential bridesmaid as a provisional date,not an actual wedding date. Therefore,as a provisional date it was open to change,and that was presumably what the friend was thinking.

Also,regardless of whether we think the "anniversary"significant,the friend clearly attaches importance to it,and if the date is not set in stone,it would be nice to respect that.

Noctu

So the OP should be expected to completely change her 'ideal wedding venue' to placate her friend? She said that was the only date left they had this year!

Her friend has all year to celebrate their 1 yr anniversary. The OP is tied to that specific date.

Who's getting married here?

poet123

Noctu wrote: »

So the OP should be expected to completely change her 'ideal wedding venue' to placate her friend? She said that was the only date left they had this year!



Her friend has all year to celebrate their 1 yr anniversary. The OP is tied to that specific date.

Who's getting married here?

No,if that is the date she is going with firmly,not provisionally,then she will need to go ahead regardless of who can/cannot attend.

rlm_3

Hiya

I wouldn't normally post on this sort of topic as situations like this tend to be quite complex, or the ensuing debate does anyway - people have such differing opinions. It sounds like a tough situtation and have tried to think how I would feel from both your and your friend's point of view.

I can completely see why you would want to get married this year. We got engaged in December, originally said we'd have the wedding in 2010 after buying a house and then decided that we couldn't wait that long. Now we're getting married September this year. If you've found a venue that you and your fiance love and have booked the only available date this year, then go for it.

I was thinking what I would do if were your friend. To be honest, I would probably speak to my boyfriend and see whether we could go away for our anniversary the weekend before or after. To me the honour of being asked to be bridesmaid for a good friend would outweigh the annivarsary weekend away (at least the importance of going on holiday that particular weekend anyway). After all the two of you have been friends longer than she has been with her boyfriend.

I wonder whether there are any other reasons why she may be reluctant to be a bridesmaid. Could she be concerned about associated costs? (Though unlikely if she's planning on going away for her anniversary). Could her boyfriend be anxious about attending a wedding where he knows very few people? (My fiance hates big gatherings). Could she be upset about the amount of contact between the two of you/the quality of your relationship lately? Could she be jealous that you are engaged? These are just a couple of ideas and may be way off the mark. It might be worth chatting to her to find out if anything else is going on.

You are just at the start of the planning stages. A lot of people will have opinions about how you should plan your wedding and trying to please them all will drive you crazy! You have to do what makes you happy and if that means having your wedding in October then so be it. At the end of the day, it is up to your friend whether she is your bridesmaid or goes away with her boyfriend but she needs to realise that she has a choice and it is her who is making that choice.

poet123 wrote: »

Having told you immediately you mentioned the date, means she is telling the truth and not making an excuse,it is a valid reason imo. Imagine 12 months on,and you and DH plan a weekend away for your anniversary,would you be happy to shelve those plans for a friend,who told you she had provisionally decided on a date?

In response to the above, it took a week for the friend to reply, so the reason offered may not be as genuine as suggested. I would definitely shelve plans to go away for our first anniversary if a close friend were getting married. Then again we've been together for 10 years already and are considering postponing our honeymoon (in favour of adding to our house deposit). I guess it's about priorities.