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this is very long all advice much appreciated.
TokochickUK
Posts: 240 Forumite
Hi there all,
first let me say in advance im sorry this is so long and so in depth but it makes sense to try and explain it all.
Here goes..
I met my husband in the end of 2002, he was a motorcycle racer who was very good but lacking sponsership to take it further. I was a road race marshal.
we started going out in jan 2003, i would accompany him to race tracks all over england, I was living in kent and he was in west sussex, i would ride my 125 bike over to see him a couple of times a week. In april 03 i moved in with him at his parents home ( he was 29) so i had quite my job, my own home, and left where i had lived to be with him and hopefully make things less stressfull. I found things hard with his parents as i had had my own space since i was 15 ( then 23) so to have hiis mum trying to do my washing, and cooking just wasnt doing it for me. I found a job no problem, then race season started and he would intensly work on his bike for race prep, say race weekend he would spend mon through to thur in garage till 1/2 am then friday would be traveling. He had a big off on his bike, was trying to get his head around finances and lack of sponsership after some really head stressing times he decided to give up racing it took him months to come to this decision from june till about sept. during this time he had some big falling outs with people through lack of understanding at race meetings which i think itensified his need to get away from it all.I witnessed a truely horrific fatality where a young lad just early 20s died in a very nasty way I then had to help clean up the mess, i went into shock and was taken to medical unit. Unfortunatly while dh was supporting me he didnt fully take in some of his friends thoughts who knew this young lad untill it was too late and offence seeming from lack of concern arose. i became pregnant in the end of sept, we decided we wanted to be married before baby was born but trying to bring together our familys wasnt a thought we much relished, my parents had split when i was 6yrs old and there was so much messed up family history that neither of my parents could be in the same room at the same time. so we decided to go to scotland on the quiet without family i was nearly 20wks pregnant. WHen we came back and informed everybody,my dad hit the roof and decided after some very nasty text msg from my stepmom that he would no longer talk with me. I was understandably hurt and upset by all of this.
Along with all this stuff going on in my family dh was having some issues with his brother who is a couple of yrs younger than me and had decided to become seriously involved as a first time relationship with a 40yr old divorcee from finland with a 5yr old daughter, they had some very heated arguments and in one of them our pregnancy was brought up with words such as "did you ever stop to think that maybe our parents would not want a baby in the house? and did we think it fair that they would be expected to look after him/ her all the time" this hurt me alot as i would never expect anybody else to look after my child and dh parents had not said anything about this to us. so i kind of felt very trapped in the house, and tried to avoid seeing them in kitchen, i would wait till they went out to use the loo or to eat. my mum then threw a fit as she told me she was going to be at the birth and i replyed no chance. My own thought is thats for a couple if together to share on the birth of their child so she decided she woul now not talk with me. so i was in a town where i new nobody, in a house where i felt trapped and dh was not being the most supportive as he was still obsessing about bikes. we had planned on a home birth but this all went pear shaped i was in long slow early labour for 3 days with contractions 5/10 min apart, i didnt sleep couldnt eat and kept being sick, was then given a scare when midwife came out said your 2 cm and will expect to see you again very soon, to recieve a phone call the next day saying that she thought baby was breech and i need to have a scan asap. if baby was breech i would have been having a c section there and then as labour had started. baby was in head down position but i felt so upset that they had been expecting me to go into full labour and she thought he was breech and had left it over 24 hours before informing anybody. baby arrived in hospital 2 days later, bf didnt go well i was left on my own with baby for over 2 hours before anybody came into us by which time he was fast asleep, dh was then told he had to straight away. i was scared stupid. i had never been in hospital before, had just gone through labour and birth and wanted to talk and not be alone and was going to have to look after this small baby and i didnt have a clue. things got worse as feeding didnt establish i felt down and gulty that i couldnt do it. i eventually went homw 4 days later and continued to try i gave up when he was 4 wks old after 2 mastitas infections 2weeks of antibiotics and because i have an allergy to penacillin the medication i was given would have seriously caused baby upset belly so i had to pump and dump that time. things were tense in the house.
i was on edge alot as younger sister had died of SIDS at just 12 weeks old, so i couldnt sleep and would get up 15/20 times a night. the health visitor was no support, and dh just about forgot me to do his thing with bikes in garage and work and go on the computer.my dad tried to do a surprise visit with my stepmom bearing in ming they hadnt spoken to me in nearly 6 months and i had a new baby they came around when he was 3 wks old and i had only just the day before been given antibiotics and was ill as well as sleep deprived i didnt know what to say to him and dh asked himto leave .we ended up having a huge barny when baby was about 12 wks old and his parents were away I called the police, i was in such a mess i just didnt know what to do, dh had some some really nasty stuff called me all the names under the sun. I had even hit him after he stood on the stairs ( i was at the bottome him in the middle) and he said he was going to kill our baby This was said just to get a reaction as i hadnt been arguing back but i just flipped and flew at him. I then felt so confused i just didnt know what to do.
When his parents came back Dh told them the police had been out but didnt elabourate as to why. Well for the next 2 wks his mum was colder than she had been before was really just off and snappy with me, and i felt even more confused as i didnt know what was going on,i told dh something was up and he told me i was being silly, that afternoon i ended up telling the hv too leave and was in tears, dh mum came up the stairs and was like are you ok, i asked her to just leave me alone nad she put her foot in the doorway so i couldnt close it, i asked her what he problem was and she replyed that i had called the police out to get alex arrested ( that wasnt it, i was so confused i just didnt know what to do) so she had her facts wrong and just jumped to the conclusion that the problem was me. i felt so let down by dh and had nobody to talk to. we fell pregnant again when ds was just 14 wks old.
We had booked to go to wales for two wks over the christmas period as BIL and family ( he married the lady from finland )were going to be staying and dh still was not talking with his brother. For 9 days out of the 14 on holiday i was cleaning It was susch a mess, so dirty it was appauling and this was with hoseseaons. ds then had an ear infection. shortly after we camne back i started to bleed and continued all through the pregnancy to bleed, so each day i woke up and thought will i lose the baby today, i never bonded, or tried to. things had got so much worse living with inlaws but they gave us a gift of £104000 which we used as a deposit on our house. we started house hunting in jan 05 found house in feb and finalised in march. but it needed alot of work on it, so as well as having professionals in, dh was finishing work then coming to the house to do stuff also he would finally get home 10/ 11 pm so i was exhausted having looked after baby and living with all the stress. we finally moved in may after yet more upset with MIL. the pregancy progressed, but i just didnt feel right about it all,i tried to talk with the midwife but she just said it was hormones and stress at home. When i was 37wks pregnant i tried to OD with paracitamol but was just really sick. I didnt do it to hurt the baby, i just wanted to die ,I felt i was letting ds down by being so tired, i felt guilty i wasnt bonding with pregnancy and the arguments with dh were just all the time, and constant stress, i couldnt cope. I started to think all the time about dying how i wanted to die, how i felt so alone and couldnt talk with dh. Ds 2 was born 4 dys late natural delivery.... But he didnt feel like mine. He could have been anybodys baby i just didnt love him, i didnt feel anything for him, That shocked me, i couldnt understand how i didnt love my baby and it tore me apart. I didnt tell dh as i was so shamed. i told a hv that i didnt think things were right. she made an appoitment to come and see me the following wk.. she never showed up . i was feeling really low and was upset and couldnt stop crying and couldnt get the thought out of my head that i wanted to die, almost like i could here somebody else saying it in my head and telling me how, and how it would feel. i was scared. THat afternoon i tried to cut my wrist. things went quite quickly from there . ther crisis team were called in to assess me, and i was given anti depressents and weekly physcatrist appointments and weekly visits from cpn,, adn diagnosed with acute PNI. i ended up cutting my wrist on a number of occassions and had a couple of stitches and a short stay at the M&B unit at the bethlem royal ( another horror story that i am seeking legal advice over). I have since been fighting to keep on top of things but dh doesnt alway shelp he calls me names like pyscho ond nutter, and askes me if i remembered to take my pills. Things have still been tense with his parents as well as with him, when ds 2 was 5 wks old he developed bronchiollitas and had to saty in hospital for a couple of days, i took him to see the out of hours docter on a friday night and was sent to the hospital under referral, dh had booked a track day for the saterday. when i told him we were at the hospital and ds2 was being admitted and was he ok with ds1 who was asleep in bed his first question was well what was he supposed to do about the track day. i was so angry at him, i had gone to the hospital in just my clothes and only a couple of nappys and he was asking me what he was goingto do about his track day, I switched off my phone for the night and tried to sleep a little but ended up just holding ds2 most of the night as he was really wheezy. DH called me on the saterday midday.. to tell me he had taken ds1 out of his bed about 4 30 am to take him to his parents house in his friends car so he could go to his trackday. i was so shocked. he eventually came over later that day to pick the car up on he way to his parents house we didnt talk much. I was furious that he had let me down and had taken ds from his bed. His mum didnt seem to think he had done anything wrong and agreed that he did the best he could. hence one of the reasons im still so angry with her.Then last weekend dh had left a program open on the computer where he saves all txt msg nad it has got on there about some bike, I ask him about it.
It turns out his mum had lent him£3000 in november and he had brought another race bike. I hadnt been spoken to about any of this, and felt almost like he had taken advanatge as it was done when i was at my lowest and he knows how i feel about race bikes now (after seeing that young lad die, cleaning it up, hearing his fiancee being told he had died and her heartache, seeing dh come off his bike on MY corner the next meeting after, and the fact that we have two young children and he is prepaired to risk his life as their father to get some buzz that he cant get out of his system.)And again his mum doesnt seem to think there is anything wrong with that.
Ok im so sorry i wrote all that down but i needed to make sure you had alot of the history so you could understand a bit more.
I really am not sure that we are going to get through all this, and i know i am going to have to seek legal advice but am hoping you could give me a rough idea.
We have a house was brought for 164000 we paid 104000 and have a mortgage of 60000. he pays all bills as i stay at home with the boys.
where would we stand as far as rights go? i take it we would have to move out and sell the house? i know i would keep the children he would only have them if i wasnt around any longer.
any advice with regards to any of the above is much appreciated i have emailed relate just incase we can salvage anything to ask about fee charging but if anybody else knows? but where do i go from here?
thank you in advance x
first let me say in advance im sorry this is so long and so in depth but it makes sense to try and explain it all.
Here goes..
I met my husband in the end of 2002, he was a motorcycle racer who was very good but lacking sponsership to take it further. I was a road race marshal.
we started going out in jan 2003, i would accompany him to race tracks all over england, I was living in kent and he was in west sussex, i would ride my 125 bike over to see him a couple of times a week. In april 03 i moved in with him at his parents home ( he was 29) so i had quite my job, my own home, and left where i had lived to be with him and hopefully make things less stressfull. I found things hard with his parents as i had had my own space since i was 15 ( then 23) so to have hiis mum trying to do my washing, and cooking just wasnt doing it for me. I found a job no problem, then race season started and he would intensly work on his bike for race prep, say race weekend he would spend mon through to thur in garage till 1/2 am then friday would be traveling. He had a big off on his bike, was trying to get his head around finances and lack of sponsership after some really head stressing times he decided to give up racing it took him months to come to this decision from june till about sept. during this time he had some big falling outs with people through lack of understanding at race meetings which i think itensified his need to get away from it all.I witnessed a truely horrific fatality where a young lad just early 20s died in a very nasty way I then had to help clean up the mess, i went into shock and was taken to medical unit. Unfortunatly while dh was supporting me he didnt fully take in some of his friends thoughts who knew this young lad untill it was too late and offence seeming from lack of concern arose. i became pregnant in the end of sept, we decided we wanted to be married before baby was born but trying to bring together our familys wasnt a thought we much relished, my parents had split when i was 6yrs old and there was so much messed up family history that neither of my parents could be in the same room at the same time. so we decided to go to scotland on the quiet without family i was nearly 20wks pregnant. WHen we came back and informed everybody,my dad hit the roof and decided after some very nasty text msg from my stepmom that he would no longer talk with me. I was understandably hurt and upset by all of this.
Along with all this stuff going on in my family dh was having some issues with his brother who is a couple of yrs younger than me and had decided to become seriously involved as a first time relationship with a 40yr old divorcee from finland with a 5yr old daughter, they had some very heated arguments and in one of them our pregnancy was brought up with words such as "did you ever stop to think that maybe our parents would not want a baby in the house? and did we think it fair that they would be expected to look after him/ her all the time" this hurt me alot as i would never expect anybody else to look after my child and dh parents had not said anything about this to us. so i kind of felt very trapped in the house, and tried to avoid seeing them in kitchen, i would wait till they went out to use the loo or to eat. my mum then threw a fit as she told me she was going to be at the birth and i replyed no chance. My own thought is thats for a couple if together to share on the birth of their child so she decided she woul now not talk with me. so i was in a town where i new nobody, in a house where i felt trapped and dh was not being the most supportive as he was still obsessing about bikes. we had planned on a home birth but this all went pear shaped i was in long slow early labour for 3 days with contractions 5/10 min apart, i didnt sleep couldnt eat and kept being sick, was then given a scare when midwife came out said your 2 cm and will expect to see you again very soon, to recieve a phone call the next day saying that she thought baby was breech and i need to have a scan asap. if baby was breech i would have been having a c section there and then as labour had started. baby was in head down position but i felt so upset that they had been expecting me to go into full labour and she thought he was breech and had left it over 24 hours before informing anybody. baby arrived in hospital 2 days later, bf didnt go well i was left on my own with baby for over 2 hours before anybody came into us by which time he was fast asleep, dh was then told he had to straight away. i was scared stupid. i had never been in hospital before, had just gone through labour and birth and wanted to talk and not be alone and was going to have to look after this small baby and i didnt have a clue. things got worse as feeding didnt establish i felt down and gulty that i couldnt do it. i eventually went homw 4 days later and continued to try i gave up when he was 4 wks old after 2 mastitas infections 2weeks of antibiotics and because i have an allergy to penacillin the medication i was given would have seriously caused baby upset belly so i had to pump and dump that time. things were tense in the house.
i was on edge alot as younger sister had died of SIDS at just 12 weeks old, so i couldnt sleep and would get up 15/20 times a night. the health visitor was no support, and dh just about forgot me to do his thing with bikes in garage and work and go on the computer.my dad tried to do a surprise visit with my stepmom bearing in ming they hadnt spoken to me in nearly 6 months and i had a new baby they came around when he was 3 wks old and i had only just the day before been given antibiotics and was ill as well as sleep deprived i didnt know what to say to him and dh asked himto leave .we ended up having a huge barny when baby was about 12 wks old and his parents were away I called the police, i was in such a mess i just didnt know what to do, dh had some some really nasty stuff called me all the names under the sun. I had even hit him after he stood on the stairs ( i was at the bottome him in the middle) and he said he was going to kill our baby This was said just to get a reaction as i hadnt been arguing back but i just flipped and flew at him. I then felt so confused i just didnt know what to do.
When his parents came back Dh told them the police had been out but didnt elabourate as to why. Well for the next 2 wks his mum was colder than she had been before was really just off and snappy with me, and i felt even more confused as i didnt know what was going on,i told dh something was up and he told me i was being silly, that afternoon i ended up telling the hv too leave and was in tears, dh mum came up the stairs and was like are you ok, i asked her to just leave me alone nad she put her foot in the doorway so i couldnt close it, i asked her what he problem was and she replyed that i had called the police out to get alex arrested ( that wasnt it, i was so confused i just didnt know what to do) so she had her facts wrong and just jumped to the conclusion that the problem was me. i felt so let down by dh and had nobody to talk to. we fell pregnant again when ds was just 14 wks old.
We had booked to go to wales for two wks over the christmas period as BIL and family ( he married the lady from finland )were going to be staying and dh still was not talking with his brother. For 9 days out of the 14 on holiday i was cleaning It was susch a mess, so dirty it was appauling and this was with hoseseaons. ds then had an ear infection. shortly after we camne back i started to bleed and continued all through the pregnancy to bleed, so each day i woke up and thought will i lose the baby today, i never bonded, or tried to. things had got so much worse living with inlaws but they gave us a gift of £104000 which we used as a deposit on our house. we started house hunting in jan 05 found house in feb and finalised in march. but it needed alot of work on it, so as well as having professionals in, dh was finishing work then coming to the house to do stuff also he would finally get home 10/ 11 pm so i was exhausted having looked after baby and living with all the stress. we finally moved in may after yet more upset with MIL. the pregancy progressed, but i just didnt feel right about it all,i tried to talk with the midwife but she just said it was hormones and stress at home. When i was 37wks pregnant i tried to OD with paracitamol but was just really sick. I didnt do it to hurt the baby, i just wanted to die ,I felt i was letting ds down by being so tired, i felt guilty i wasnt bonding with pregnancy and the arguments with dh were just all the time, and constant stress, i couldnt cope. I started to think all the time about dying how i wanted to die, how i felt so alone and couldnt talk with dh. Ds 2 was born 4 dys late natural delivery.... But he didnt feel like mine. He could have been anybodys baby i just didnt love him, i didnt feel anything for him, That shocked me, i couldnt understand how i didnt love my baby and it tore me apart. I didnt tell dh as i was so shamed. i told a hv that i didnt think things were right. she made an appoitment to come and see me the following wk.. she never showed up . i was feeling really low and was upset and couldnt stop crying and couldnt get the thought out of my head that i wanted to die, almost like i could here somebody else saying it in my head and telling me how, and how it would feel. i was scared. THat afternoon i tried to cut my wrist. things went quite quickly from there . ther crisis team were called in to assess me, and i was given anti depressents and weekly physcatrist appointments and weekly visits from cpn,, adn diagnosed with acute PNI. i ended up cutting my wrist on a number of occassions and had a couple of stitches and a short stay at the M&B unit at the bethlem royal ( another horror story that i am seeking legal advice over). I have since been fighting to keep on top of things but dh doesnt alway shelp he calls me names like pyscho ond nutter, and askes me if i remembered to take my pills. Things have still been tense with his parents as well as with him, when ds 2 was 5 wks old he developed bronchiollitas and had to saty in hospital for a couple of days, i took him to see the out of hours docter on a friday night and was sent to the hospital under referral, dh had booked a track day for the saterday. when i told him we were at the hospital and ds2 was being admitted and was he ok with ds1 who was asleep in bed his first question was well what was he supposed to do about the track day. i was so angry at him, i had gone to the hospital in just my clothes and only a couple of nappys and he was asking me what he was goingto do about his track day, I switched off my phone for the night and tried to sleep a little but ended up just holding ds2 most of the night as he was really wheezy. DH called me on the saterday midday.. to tell me he had taken ds1 out of his bed about 4 30 am to take him to his parents house in his friends car so he could go to his trackday. i was so shocked. he eventually came over later that day to pick the car up on he way to his parents house we didnt talk much. I was furious that he had let me down and had taken ds from his bed. His mum didnt seem to think he had done anything wrong and agreed that he did the best he could. hence one of the reasons im still so angry with her.Then last weekend dh had left a program open on the computer where he saves all txt msg nad it has got on there about some bike, I ask him about it.
It turns out his mum had lent him£3000 in november and he had brought another race bike. I hadnt been spoken to about any of this, and felt almost like he had taken advanatge as it was done when i was at my lowest and he knows how i feel about race bikes now (after seeing that young lad die, cleaning it up, hearing his fiancee being told he had died and her heartache, seeing dh come off his bike on MY corner the next meeting after, and the fact that we have two young children and he is prepaired to risk his life as their father to get some buzz that he cant get out of his system.)And again his mum doesnt seem to think there is anything wrong with that.
Ok im so sorry i wrote all that down but i needed to make sure you had alot of the history so you could understand a bit more.
I really am not sure that we are going to get through all this, and i know i am going to have to seek legal advice but am hoping you could give me a rough idea.
We have a house was brought for 164000 we paid 104000 and have a mortgage of 60000. he pays all bills as i stay at home with the boys.
where would we stand as far as rights go? i take it we would have to move out and sell the house? i know i would keep the children he would only have them if i wasnt around any longer.
any advice with regards to any of the above is much appreciated i have emailed relate just incase we can salvage anything to ask about fee charging but if anybody else knows? but where do i go from here?
thank you in advance x
sus x
0
Comments
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what a burden you are carrying love, you need desperatley to offload some of these issues in order for you to be able to deal with them.Go to see your g.p as a matter of urgency, or arrange to speak to your health visitor, you need some top notch support at the moment and you need it now.
you can deal with the financial implications of bringing a young family up, but i feel the initial thing you require is emotional support. you are doing a brilliant job in the face of all the horrible things happening in your life, so to ask for help is such a rational mature thing to do.well done for being able to ask for help at this stage but for the sake of your health and wellbeing of your children contact some-one soon. parentline have provided a valuable service in the past, as have the nspcc they offer brilliant advice and you should bre able to contact them sooner rather than later. look after yourself and your children, biut please get some support very very soon.
hugs xxwhen things go wrong, Don't go with them!0 -
To be honest I have only been able to skim your post, but what I have read in the main part has been typical relationship issues along with upsetting life experiences and post natal issues.
I really think counselling would help. You can blurt the lot out on to the counsellor and it is their job to disect it, work out the troubling bits, help you bring closure to areas in your life that need it and encourage you through your future decisions, plus relationship building with those in your life you wish to rebuild.
It sounds as if the health professionals are snowed under and have overlooked your requests a lot in the past. Have you tried moving surgeries, or asking for a different doctor/health visitor etc.
Have you tried contacting the NCT they normally have a postnatal depression volunteer who could talk to you while you try to get a referral for a counsellor? PM me if you would like me to dig out a telephone number.
Good luck. Stay calm, don't make any major decisions. Your other half may be using bikes as his way of coping with the major events in life, and I think counselling, even if only for yourself will help you make sense of everything. Good luck.0 -
I don't have any advice as such for you but I was deeply moved by your story, I can only reiterate what the above poster has said in that it would be best not to rush into any decisions until you have had a chance to talk things through with a counsellor.
If you need an ear to listen, feel free to pm me
AlisonStopped smoking Jan 2007 after 23 years!Cigarettes NOT smoked = 240,945Smoke free days = 11 Years :TCash saved so far = £125,45,110 -
i have read your story, and just wanted to give you and your children lots of love and hugs i will leave others on here to give you advice but just to let you know you will also get lots of love and support from us all.0
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Hello, I'm deeply sorry you are having such a difficult time. Reading your post it looks like thisther crisis team were called in to assess me, and i was given anti depressents and weekly physcatrist appointments and weekly visits from cpn,, adn diagnosed with acute PNI. i ended up cutting my wrist on a number of occassions and had a couple of stitches and a short stay at the M&B unit at the bethlem royal
happened not too long ago and it looks like you seem to be still feeling fragile and vulnerable.
You don't have to face all your problems on your own, your community health team and psychiatrist are there to give you the help and support you need to enable you to deal with all the difficulties you have told us about. Best wishes.0 -
:grouphug: i , along with everyone else was moved by your posting. I work in mental health and also sufered from a good long bout of PND .....
If you contact your community mental health team they should be able to ifomr you of any Advocacy service that they can point you in the direction of. They will be able to act on your behalf in some of these matters and ease the pressure. You could alos do with having someone to talk to who has been through this stuff, it really does help. Make sure that you get all the necessary legal advice too.
BIG HUGSSSSSS:EasterBun ...what more do I need to say?!
its all in the name of medical science.0 -
thank you all for replying , even without much in the way of advice it is nice to have made some friends x
dh came back this evening after being at his parents since friday night, with 30min of him coming through the door i felt myself tense up and need to get away from him. I just focused on my boys to get me through. i will be calling the CAB tomorrow, and i have the cpn coming out on tue so will try and talk with her, but it feels as though she sits with her notpad but doesnt really talk with me just writes it all down to take back and put on file. She has adviced to go out and intergrate into mother baby groups but hasnt been helpfull with support as i feel very anxious when leaving the house. i just wanted to saythank you and i will post again if thats ok? xsus x0 -
If it helps, post away! Sometimes just writing these feelings down can help you feel better.
Take care0 -
tokochick its sound like your other half is half your problem, maybe he isnt loving and supporting as you expect him to be, he certainly isnt with that name calling :mad:
being a single parent isnt a bad thing, you will learn to cope with loads of help and support.
((((((HUGS)))))) *offers tissues for shoulder to cry on*0 -
Hello Tokochick, hope you have a good meeting with CAB.
If you are seeing your CPN tomorrow you could ask for a CPA review if things have changed a lot since your last one, also ask her to refer you to your local mental health advocacy service, or give you the details so you can contact them yourself, and also ask her to refer you for CBT to help with the anxiety and stress. Hope this helps.0
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