Stepfamilies: How to cope with different (money) values

Jillinoz

A bit of a philosophical, and possibly, controversial, post for a dreary Tuesday, but here goes:

Being a 'step' is without doubt THE hardest thing I've ever had to do and, sadly, non too successfully, as OH and I are in the throes of separating. I'll summarise my experience by saying that life has been far from a fairytale for the past two years but my role has been a combination of the Wicked Stepmother and Cinderella

Now, as a childless late-thirtysomething, I'm pragmatic enough to know that next time round the block I'm more likely to meet a divorced / separated man with kids - after all, 'steps' now make up 10% of all families in the UK and the trend is growing.

Putting aside all the emotional complications for now, I'd love to hear about anyone else's experiences of coping with the myriad of money problems that being part of a stepfamily seems to bring.

A bit of background on my own situation: OH pays £550 a month to his ex-wife to support his two daughters, 14 and 11, who live with us two nights a week, plus weekends and school holidays.

Now, OH is a freelance contractor who earns well while in work, but has been unemployed for two six-month periods during the past three years. His current contract is due to expire in May and there is nothing else on the horizon, but his maintenance payments will not vary.

In addition to the £550, OH also pays for the girls' horseriding/drum lessons, their mobile phone bills, plus gives them a generous allowance each, on top of buying replacement school uniform / clothing virtually every other weekend.

OH's ex is 38, doesn't work, lives in a mortgage-free house with her new man (the reason for the marriage breakup, lest I'm flamed for being the other woman ), and has two extended holidays abroad sans children every year. Oh, and last month bought a brand new Mini Cooper convertible. Of course, I'm not bitter

Meanwhile, OH and I didn't take a holiday last year (we moved house), shop at Aldi and can only afford to heat one room at a time in our (admittedly) large house, half of which is willed to the girls if anything happens to him (my share will go to the local cats' home on the proviso that they move in, as he's allergic )

Now, while I always knew that the ex would be expensive, I've really struggled to come to terms with OH's childrens very different money values. I was brought up by tightwad (they prefer 'careful' ) parents who made us earn our pocket money so that we would understand its value and how to spend it wisely, and who only rewarded us for good behaviour and generally only at Christmas or birthdays.

OH's children expect pocket money on demand and certainly not in exchange for chores, turn their noses up at own-brand products (it's supermarket cereals at Mum's but costly variety packs at Dad's), and ask OH to pay for all birthday / Christmas / Mother's Day presents (poisoned box of chocolates, Mum?? ) and have every gadget known to mankind, plus a few that probably aren't.

So, am I ridiculously out of touch with kids today / so hard hearted that I could get an instructor's job at Brat Camp / or right in thinking that there is some middle ground where financial arrangements can be fair to everyone? Failing that, should I just get a cat instead?

Jill

wigginsmum

You have my utmost sympathy - I'm a late-thirties stepmum, no kids of my own. A huge wad of our money seems to go on the kids while I struggle sometimes to put food on the table. There's the maintenance £400/month, all the petrol to go and see them several times a week £380/month, endless schooltrips abroad, clothes, mobiles, pocket money, electric guitars, hobbies ...

I think it boils down to guilt. My DH's ex left him for another guy when the kids were 3 and 8 and he's such a hands-on Dad that he feels badly for not being able to see them every day so he's tempted to throw money at the situation to try and compensate. In return the children have grown up with no concept of money; their mother's never worked and just has babies by guys to get maintenance money. Aside from his two, there's a little boy from the guy she left DH for, and she's just miscarried a baby by the guy she left the marriage-break-up guy for. She's 37 so has time to drop another couple of sprogs and increase her monthly income before her time's up. She barely sees the kids these days as she's always out with the new romance while the marriage-break-up guy who still lives in the house with her looks after all three kids.

I've learned the hard way and now control all our joint finances; all the household stuff comes out of my current account and DH transfers me an amount on the 1st of each month to cover the bills as he's hopeless with money and doesn't want any of the responsibility. That way our mortgage and other bills get paid. If DH wants to treat the kids beyond the maintenance it comes out of his own pocket and I don't get involved.

The kids don't understand the value of money at all despite my efforts over the years so I leave them to it. The stepson thought nothing of running up hundreds of pounds worth of mobile calls and we had to use our savings to pay it off; he's now doing the same thing again and I've told DH I WILL not use any of our money to bail him out again. The way I see it, they're 16 and 11 now so only a few more years till they're independent, and in the meantime I'll do what's best for us financially because I bet we won't see them for dust once they're off at university and afterwards. It'll take us years to get the financial situation sorted but we'll get there. DH's mother doesn't help as she food-shops at Harrods and has to have everything designer so sets a very bad example.

I'd always recommend getting a cat though PM me if you want to talk privately about any of this.

margaretclare

I sympathise with both of you (although not about the cat - I have a wildlife garden!!)

My husband married age 29, his first marriage, it lasted 19 years. It was his first marriage, he married a divorcee with 2 kids, think they were about 8 and 6 at the time. They went on to have 2 more kids.

I don't think it was an issue with money, it was more like the whole set-up. When he talks about it at all, which isn't often, he says that never in a million light-years would he ever volunteer to be a stepdad again, at least not to such young kids. Once they're adult it's a different matter - but trying to be a 'dad' to kids who were already 8 and 6 was such a difficult thing to do.

I wouldn't bail anybody out! Thank God I've never had the sort of experiences that you both have had - although I've had 2 husbands, both who had completely different views about money. I'm more solvent now, in a second marriage and retired, than I was in my first marriage although I was in a good career.

Aunty Margaret

wigginsmum

Yeah I've gotta say that knowing what I do now, I wouldn't voluntarily be a stepmum again, fond though I am of the kids. It's just a very hard thing to do, and my ride has been easy compared to others, I'm sure. At least the kids are fairly likeable most of the time.

I tend to go away to stay with friends every once in a while to have a break while the kids have a weekend alone with their Dad. I've noticed that if I'm there they all become helpless and I'm doing nothing all weekend but cooking for them and doing laundry, so it probably does them good to have to fend for themselves even if it does mean their Dad buys fish and chips. Unless I nag they don't even help with the washing-up or tidying-up and it does infuriate me.

Jillinoz

This is clearly a raw nerve topic and, like you Wigginsmum, I don't relish the idea of becoming a stepmum again; the problem is it may be a reality for me if I want to have a serious relationship in the future - unless I can find a fortysomething emotionally mature and solvent man without any baggage. Hell, I'd even settle for no hair!