My Friend - Please Help

davisneil

try not to rub his face in the fact that you live in a luxury house and have lots of money.
i think perhaps the fact he is always around is a kind of cry for help maybe he wants someone to kick his a**e into getting a job or something! perhaps he is jealous? (I know i am!!!)

TAZ

how close are you to his gf? i think thats the one to talk to, shes the one earning and keeping them she is the one that is getting a bit of releif when you feed them, i know that feeling when my mum feeds my lot when we go there its one less meal i have to pay for.
she needs to know that the dream he has just might not come off and then where will they be, you don't have to be nasty about it you can talk about the "what if's". then maybe if she is strong willed enough she might get tho to him in some way, at the very least she might think about increasing the hours she works and not dreaming about "when they are rich"

hope it works out for you.
taz

mummytofour

I have a family memeber like this.. he ended up bankrupt, IMHO some ppl just cant be helpped until they wnat help, I owuld just spend less time with him. On the oteh rhand you sound liek a good friend who cares, so why not be honest with him?

currumbawumba

Please, just try being straight with him, stop colluding with him, he needs to face reality and move on. You could be a part of him doing that. You know, cruel to be kind? Good luck.

headchef

Hi Paisley

I'm a graphic designer (whose career has taken a bit of dive but that's a long story) and am slowy learning how to use Dreamweaver etc, not to move into the web design business as such but to help my OH with his business. He's selling stuff on the web (electronics) but has a crummy site at the mo. He is getting sales though, but not enough to pay himself a great wage so what does he do? He works in the evening that's what, doing an admin type job for a financial services company. He has 2:1 science degree and 15 year's experience in the electronics industry. I earn the bread & butter money during the day and am always busy in the evening, either housework, Old Style meal planning or wading through the ins and outs of Dreamweaver.

I could quite happily grab your friend by the throat and squeeze. :mad:
He is free loading off you and so his is girlfirend by the sound of it. I think you know this deep down.
My OH and I have friends who life in lovely houses with nice cars etc (we live in a modest home) but they are our friends because we have non material things in common - pets, taste in films, cooking (exciting huh?)

I could find so many flaws, not just with his 'business plan' but with his ethos ('undercutting other companies' - it isn't that simple and does no one any favours). He is work shy by the sound of it as he should be putting his all into his business, not residing at your house whenever the fancy takes him (yes he should be working on his business over the weekend).

There isn't much you can do to help him - YOUR free time and home life is precious and 'good' firends jsut don't do what he does. He obviusly has a thick skin so I think subtley is not going to work here. I would agree set times for him to come round - 'we would like some time to ourselves' as another poster suggested is a good one. Don't start trying to explain your actions or go into detail over your plans - be firm.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

It seems to me the guy is a Walter Mitty and all his thinking will be coloured by this. He clearly hasn't a clue about what's appropriate behaviour for a guest. If he's always behaved in a completely urealistic way then it's unlikely he'll change. You can change your behaviour however which will prompt a different reaction from him. Hope this helps, although to be honest he sounds like a lost cause and his GF is in the same boat.

Old_No.7

When he phones up to ask what you're doing this Sat, say you were going to come over to his. Do this every time (assuming you do want to see him for a bit, you don't have to stay very long, you can leave whenever) and he'll soon stop calling, having to make the tea & supply the biscuits now. ) As good guests though, you can always bring a little something: biscuits, cheap bottle of plonk etc.

But seriously, honesty is the best policy if you want this friendship to continue: it's for his own good that he knows when the limit has been reached, so he can avoid overstepping the mark with you in future. I wouldn't lie (well, I can't even, worst possible liar, me!) to him, as a friend he deserves better.

And I would just cut him off whenever he mentions the business (except for genuine news of course): don't try to solve it for him. You can always change the subject, or tell him you don't want to hear it for now. Your friendship will last longer that way, I'd hope.

Paisley_3

Thankyou so much for all of this everyone. I'd have loved to participate more in the thread but I've just gotten over a bad illness, so, here's a bit of a recap and update (I've had some PMs asking how its going and also I have a few more questions)

Firstly, excellent ideas on being more firm with him which i've applied today. I know a lot of people say I'm being soft but just imagine if it was your friend who was dropping their degree, all their money, everything, into a pit. Yes he is thick skinned, and he is deluded, but it's developed like this over say 18 months. He deludes himself to keep working in the hope he'll turn a profit.

Secondly I don't think he's jealous of anything me and my OH have -we live well, but not in the lap of luxury - we're just normal people. And I apologise if I seemed insensitive when I said £9 was cheap for dinner, I didn't mean to offend anyone who spends that a week on food. I have a great amount of respect for everyone on here. I'm just annoyed he'll contact me saying lets go out for dinner and then complain on the cost- I'm not eating suspicious food just because it's £3 cheaper and if he wants to paddy over that, fine! He should stay in if he can't afford to eat out!

Also I can't talk to his GF- he's always with her, she's very.....loyal (a bit loveblind?) and has no business experience so she takes his idea on face value and keeps talking about 'when his business pays up' though I must admit every time I see her she's more weary and less enthused about his business. She has taken on a few more hours and is paying for both rents, all the food and the bills. I know she's rowed with him before to get a job and to be honest she's worried he'll leave her and she'll never see the money again.

It's getting ridiculous now though. He's got a month before his contract on his grotty house expires (and no I'm not being a snob, it's on a street well known for murders, muggings, prostitutes, big rats and robberies), and he's actually looking for an expensive place like mine and my OH's. He plans to pay for this by selling loads of his stuff so he can afford the 1st month rent and the furniture (they come totally unfurnished, it cost me and the OH at least £1000 for the basics).

Someone asked me how near is he to rock bottom. He's maxed out 2 credit and 1 debit card and is living off his gf, he's now hoping to sell his stuff to move to a flashy apartment. How much nearer to insanity can you get!?

And to anyone that might feel sorry for him....he recently did a bit of work for a mate who had a similar grand plan to start a website. The mate paid him £400 (which he in turn had borrowed off his dad after convincing him he was going to be rich) and then ran out of money. What did my friend do with the money- buy food, pay back his gf, save it, pay off some credit card? No, he took it to Dixons and bought the most feature packed video camera he could afford 'because I'll need it when the business takes off'. He's also planning to buy a new car! Arrgh!

Doomed_Economy

I think reality will bite him soon because he's going to have to face up to his responsibilities before too long, especially with plans like buying a big house & a new car! Sounds as though his girlfriend would be better off cutting her losses than continuing to pour her money into his bottomless pit.

Perhaps that is the wake up call he needs. However, I expect if she does get fed up & move on, he'll be asking if he can move into your spare room "just for a couple of weeks," & then expecting to live off you two instead!

Paisley_3

Whoops, maybe I should have mentioned he's renting not buying. They currently pay £200(ish) rent a month total and are looking at places at £525 a month total. If you can barely afford the first, you're screwed for the second surely!?

Thankfully his pride means I doubt he'd ever ask to stay with us or borrow money (and my dad has warned me not to anyway!)