How do you get your kids to move out

Uther

My Son is 29, finished his degree about 6 years ago.
Since then he has never had a proper job, just temp work from agencies. Usually on minimum wage and then only about half the time.
The other half he is on JSA.
He does try to find work but he is so painfully shy and lacks self confidence he never gets past the interview stage, and with the current economic climate he has no chance.

We really want him to get a proper job, move out and get a life so we can start living our lives again, but I fear we are doomed to support him forever.

I feel guilty to want him to move out, and I never minded the resposibility when my kids were young, but I really begrudge supporting him now he is an adult.

Any advice?

Marcheline

Is he paying rent? Start charging him above the market rate for homes in your area, so it makes financial sense for him to move out. He never will move out without you forcing his hand. If you don't want to do this, just tell him it's time to go!!!

JoJoB

Do you have enough funds to lend/give him the money for a deposit on a room in a houseshare? It's difficult to get the money together for this initial investement when you are on a low income so that might be one of the things preventing him from branching out. If he gets a room in a houseshare it might also help his confidence and social skills too, as well as learning to look after himself.

If he doesn't like that idea then it's time to start charging him rent or upping what he already pays you to whatever is an accurate figure for his share of bills and food expenses. Explain that you simply can't afford to keep subsidising him and you need more help from him.

nearlyrich

I agree you should not be worse off or unable to live your life because of adult children not paying their way or pulling their weight. My two (a few years younger) still live with us but they pay board and do chores, I don't do their ironing etc and they don't stop me from living my life.

How are you supporting him? Is it by giving him money or by just not charging him rent,? How is he stopping you from living your life?

ChrisCobra

Stop buying him underwear , buying him beer and doing his laundry!

Worked for me...

I moved out the next day... :beer:

Lilith1980

I don't see why you can't start living your lives with your son still at home - or is it because you are supporting him and finances are therefore tight?

He is afterall, 29 years old, so he can take care of himself. Maybe if you did start doing things on your own, he might realise that he needs to sort himself out. Maybe its too "comfortable" at home at the moment?

lolababy

Hi as long as he lives at home he will remain shy and lack confidence. Sometimes in life we have to be cruel to be kind. Why not help him find a job thats suitable to his qualifications. Your right that the job market is poor at the moment but there are still jobs to be had.
As he is single he could pick himself up and go anywhere . A live in job might be an idea . How about investing in a life coach to get his life together.

Glen0000

Lilith1980 wrote: »

I don't see why you can't start living your lives with your son still at home

Well for one thing their sex life won't be as adventurous as if they were alone! Also a romantic evening in isn't the same when you have another person in the house. Another persons washing, cleaning, cooking, all adds up and takes away time for otehr fun stuff.

I can see how the OP is very frustrated. I long for the day to be able to spend the whole weekend in bed with my wife!

Lilith1980

Glen0000 wrote: »

Well for one thing their sex life won't be as adventurous as if they were alone! Also a romantic evening in isn't the same when you have another person in the house. Another persons washing, cleaning, cooking, all adds up and takes away time for otehr fun stuff.

I can see how the OP is very frustrated. I long for the day to be able to spend the whole weekend in bed with my wife!

Yeah sorry I didnt mean to sound harsh, I was thinking more of the OP and partner going out, not in terms of "doing stuff" at home, which is obviously a consideration I hadn't thought of

I imagine it can't be easy but I agree with another post that you have to be cruel to be kind sometimes.

I used to lack a lot of self-confidence and the one thing that helped me was volunteering. I now work for the organisation I volunteered for. I'm not saying your son would get a job out of it but volunteering would get him out meeting people, as well as doing something for a good cause, AND it looks good on his CV as he's not in employment.

www.do-it.org is a site where he could search for volunteering opportunities in his area.

yoni_one

OMG I had a kindred spirit moment when I read the title hoping to hear some good tips I might apply to my 18 year old whose attitude alone might just see him booted before he walks.

Please don't tell me I may have another 11 years of it!

Good luck to the OP, I suppose if you make it less comfortable for him to stay at home he may start taking steps towards becoming independent?

Savvy_Sue

Lilith1980 wrote: »

Yeah sorry I didnt mean to sound harsh, I was thinking more of the OP and partner going out, not in terms of "doing stuff" at home, which is obviously a consideration I hadn't thought of

Of course 'doing stuff' in a fairly free and uninhibited way may get him moving ... :rotfl:

May be worth talking to him about the things he feels are holding him back, and how to tackle them.