Its all gone wrong and I don't know where to start

spacecommander

Hi all, I could really do with some advice from you helpful people (I'm a regular lurker)

It looks like my marriage has reached the end of the road. Following yet another argument today, I have reached the point where I can't take it anymore.

We have 3 little ones, aged 6, 2, and 1. My OH works away during the week so I am pretty much left to deal with everything on my own (including the oodles of debt we find ourselves in).
I have had to deal with bailiffs, debt collectors knocking, and cope with the kids, and still he will not acknowledge we are in the proverbial poop. I receive no help from him towards debt repayments, or offers of help with regard to contacting the dca's.

A while ago I applied for some council housing (we rent privately at the moment) for me and the kids, they wouldn't put me on the list until OH had written a letter confirming we were seperating. I will never be able to get him to do that, so in terms of housing, I have no idea where to turn.

I guess what I'm looking for is some advice as to where to start. I have to do right for the kids, and they are the main priority for me. I'm a sahm due to my 2 year old having development problems, I was granted middle rate DLA for her this week which was a relief.

Can anyone advise me what to do? I don't know how to tackle the housing option, and I feel a little overwhelmed as to where to start. Please help me. x

Pee

Have you had a look at the refuge booklet on here, or maybe their website? (Refuge are aimed at women suffering domestic violence, which I appreciate is not the case here, but with that exception, similiar situations must arise.) Also, you could telephone Shelter, who are very good.

If you told your OH that this is your position, do you think he would take it any more seriously?

spacecommander

Thanks for your reply.

I will take a look at those things you have suggested - thank you.

I had tried talking to him about it. Our money worries seem to be one big joke to him. He thinks its funny to not try and sort out this mess - he doesn't open his letters, and makes no attempt to communicate with the dcas and start repaying what he owes. I suppose amongst other things, I have had enough of having to deal with crisis after crisis with money - having had bailiffs at the door, and nasty calls and letters.
As far as he's concerned, because he's at work in the week, he doesn't experience it, and it doesn't matter.

I'm 27, and at the moment I feel so old. I know that sounds strange, but I feel so worn down with our problems, the worry over the kids, and being on my own all the time.

I feel like now is the time to sort something out, because my life at home is never going to change. The kids deserve better, and I owe it to them to get out of this mess. I am so sorry for whinging, but I have finally realised today that my life at home is one big mess. The sheer enormity of it all has hit me today like a truck and I have no idea what to do.

newlywed

Whose name are the debts in?

spacecommander

most of the debts which are coming out of the woodwork are in his name. He has a history of not bothering to pay things (2 x car loans, and numerous mobile phone contracts) which whilst they may not seem alot, are all adding up rapidly.
I also have some debts, which I have negotiated payment plans for and they are being paid off.

We have no joint debts apart from an outstanding council tax bill which I have started paying monthly.

Pee

When he is ready to face the debts, it sounds like he will be able to go bankrupt, so there could be a clean-ish slate for you bth that way.

If you split up, will he just bury his head in the sand about the children, too? Not that that is a good reason for staying with him.

Would Relate help?

Have you looked at what benefits you would be entitled to, as it might be a drop from what is available now. Just so that you know what the repurcussions are as much as possible prior to making the decision.

smartpicture

Where do you live now, own home, rented, council, what? Whose name is the house in?

I'm sure Shelter will give you the best advice.

spacecommander

Thats for your replies.

With regards benefits - I don't have any apart from DLA for my daughter who is 2. I have never received benefits before so thats going to be a bit of a minefield to look into.

Whilst he professes to love his kids, he doesn't look after them. He hasn't changed a nappy since before christmas, and bathtimes/general looking after are all left to me.

I'm not sure relate can help, and besides the fact I don't think he would go with me. His head is well and truly in the sand while I have to pick up the pieces. It will be a long time before he's ready to face his debts.

Our home is rented privately. The tenancy is in joint names.

jessyharri

Have you tried the orgnisation home start? They can help with the children and will have oddles of advice and can put you in touch with other people good luck xxx

spacecommander

I was referred to homestart with the 2 littlest ones. Although they did say I would be entitled for help, the waiting list in this area is huge, so my health visitor advised me to leave it as I'm not priority.

jetcat

you say you were awarded middle care dla for your daughter - have you applied for carers allowance - as you are a SAHM as far as i know you should be entitled (i stand to be corrected though!)

i wish you all the best - whatever you decide. Maybe a trip to CAB (not easy i know with little ones!) will help you decide?

hugs
x