Son's girlfriend

squirrelchops

Hi all,

So, the girlfriend occassionally stays overnight? Wehre does she sleep then...in his room or in the spare room?

The reason I ask is that if she stays over in his room I can understand them not thinking it is a big deal for her to wait in his room for a few hours until he gets back.......

What I mean is, if you allow them to sleep togther under your roof anyway then the boundaries are already blurred if you see what I mean. I always had my boyriend over to stay from the age of 16+ and stayed at his too. I would have found it very odd if his parents or mine had then said I couldn't 'hang out' for a few hours without the other there if we had been allowed to sleep in same room.

Hope this makes sense.

littlemissmoney

I would be more worried that this girl (women?) seems to have nothing better to do than "hang out" in your sons bedroom all day waiting for him to return home!!! Should she not be at work? If she was going to study all day in his room I would have less of an issue with it. Although presumably she would still want feeding at lunch time?

If she was a 21 year old uni student who was going to study all day in his room then I think I would say yes. If she is a 17 year old "hanging out" in his room all day becasue she doesn't have a job or college then I would say no.

home_but_not_alone

Thanks for all the comments, very interesting.

He works unsociable hours, so it would be afternoon/evening until he gets home (11/12). She is a student, although doesn't seem to have to attend much. Currently they seem to be pretty much living together between here and her mums.

Decided the answer is no, I agree with the idea that there has to be some reason for him to leave home ... I'll regard their relationship as serious at the point they make a commitment to each other e.g. get engaged or move in together.

I don't mind her visiting - and she doesn't have to follow him about all the time - she is often in talking to us or in the kitchen etc without him. But I think this is just too close to her moving in, suspect allowing this once will be the start.

Anyway with his unsociable working hours I'd be seeing more of her than I do of him!

Aspiring

home_but_not_alone wrote: »

Wondered what others thought of this dilema.

Son (21) has been seeing his girlfriend for some time, she stays over occasionally and he stays at her house too. Now he has asked if she can stay in his room while he goes to work, or come over to wait for him before he finishes work (and I mean hours before not just 30 mins etc)

We get on fine with the girl, but don't really feel comfortable with her hanging around for hours. I know she's just in his room, but that feels wrong, as if we should invite her through, but then we would be spending hours with someone who however nice is obviously a different generation and has different interests to us.

Moneysaving aspect - suspect this request stems from the time/cost of her travelling back and forth, particularly at times when there is no public transport due to the hour. There's obviously the aspect of our costs as well of food/drink/electricity, but these are not the main issue (from our point of view).

Does he work odd hours? I ask because you mentioned that sometimes there is no public transport available and that could be an issue with her arriving/departing at the same time as your son.

I've interpreted the "stay in his room while he goes to work" as "let her sleep in a bit longer until she needs to get up and leave". Doesn't sound too unreasonable on the one hand; if it's every day, then it changes the situation.

I've interpreted the "come over and wait for him until he finishes work" as "when she's finished doing whatever it is she usually does during the day".

I understand what you mean about feeling uncomfortable and the aspect of feeling that you would need to "invite her through". It's possible she might feel the same (ie, crikey, what if they invite me into the lounge and I have to make small talk with the oldies )

You have to follow your gut on this one - we can all give advice, but, you've met her, it is your home; lovely that your son respected you to ask you first though, instead of letting it sliiiiiiide into that scenario


ETA - sorry, I was drafting my post when you posted. I see you've made a decision

littlemissmoney

Another thing I thought of... what if she was there and you and your husband wanted to go out? Would you be happy to leave her in your home alone? If not, would you not be able to go out?? Plus, if you had said yes she probably would have moved in within a month

chatnoir

if I was the girlfriend, I would feel offended..neither my OH or ex's oh had any issue with me being there when they weren't...I used to go on shopping trips etc with my ex's mum and sister. I think it would give the inpression you don't like and don't want to get to know her...and as others have mentioned they could end up getting married etc

eyelinerprincess

Ouch, I'd be offended if my future MIL said I wasn't allowed to stay for a few hours. As it is, mine loves me, and is quite happy for me to stay around for a while while OH goes to work (I could have stayed all day on Sat if I wasn't on call for work and had to go home in case I was called), and I get on quite well with his parents. We're slightly older than your DS, but it's never been an issue.

KarrieBee

See on a completely opposite note if I were the GF I wouldn;t feel comfortable doing this. I would feel like I was imposing. I think OP if you are uncomfortable with it it has to be a no as it is your house. I also think there is a big difference between her having a bit if a lie in whilst he goes to work at some ungodly hour and her being there in the evening for hours, that would feel odd to me, and i'm not sure I can even say why!
I'm guessing that you generally like the girl, have nothing against her but when you are at home just want to be able to relax in your own home and however nice someone is that isn't always possible with visitors.

Aspiring

chatnoir wrote: »

if I was the girlfriend, I would feel offended..

eyelinerprincess wrote:

Ouch, I'd be offended if my future MIL said I wasn't allowed to stay for a few hours

Really? Because you wouldn't be getting your own way? Surely you would have enough respect for her, or anyone's home for that matter, that you would understand her point of view?

SandC

I would have thought this situation would be okay if she and you were comfortble with each other and she would be just like any other guest if your son is not there. To have her sitting in his room waiting for him tells me that neither you or her are happy spending independent time together without your son. There is nothing wrong with that, but you should never feel uneasy in your own home.

I have been at boyfriends' homes in the past when they haven't been there for a while but it's always been spending time with his mum/sister or in the case of the other one with large family, just finding a pew, sitting down and marvelling at what is a home with originally 8 kids all descending at the same time on a Saturday (no wonder he used to leg it!).