Moving On

lowis

Me and my partner have just split up after 14 years together, we just grew apart, no-one else involved, just loads of pain and confusion

We are close, and we still adore each other and don't want to become enemies or anything childish like that. We have started counselling to help us with the separation...to be honest I was hoping counselling would allow us to work out our problems and remain together but in a healthier relationship, but my ex feels that we have come to the end of the road, although they said they will remain open to whatever the counselling process reveals.

How do you move on, but retain a close friendship with someone? Is it possible? Would love to hear your experiences.

DKLS

I dont know how you keep the friendship, my last split started amicably, but as soon as I met someone else and started to move on, she went all bunny boiler on me.
Havent seen her for 4 years since the court date.

Good luck to yer

Lilith1980

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

I can't really comment about keeping a friendship from a marriage, but I know from previous long-term relationships that staying friends does not work.

You say that you would like to try and make things work but your ex says you've both come to the end of the road, so already it seems as if you are holding out hope for a reconciliation. The only problem with that is if you stay friends, maybe you will always be hoping that you could get back together, and you'll only end up getting hurt.

I hope you both manage to keeps things amicable though, I guess it will make things easier.

TotallyBroke

You can stay friends but you both have to let go of any relationship feelings. I am friends with one of my exes I see him regulary and was good friends with his wife. We mix in the same circles.
I was also friends with another ex but once he met someone else that changed. She did not like the fact, so she told him to cut all ties with me. That was her insecurities but we have respected her wish. Shame because he really was a great laugh.
It's all down to whether you can be friends with that person. What would he be like as a friend? It would be a start if you kept the same circle of friends that makes things easier.
If you still have any relationship/sexual feelings for him then it will not work.

Good luck I hope it does work for you both

lowis

i think the fact we are going to therapy will help us one way or another, we both admit that we still adore each other, but we just can't go on as partners as we currently are with each other. it's not working. i do hold out hope for a reconciliation yes, and my partner has said that they are open to exploring any reconcilatory feelings that may arise from the therapy process too. i am probably a little more hopeful...or maybe i am just more unrealistic than my ex?

we both know this whole process is going to very hard (hence the professional help), and that is why i want to know what helps people move on. if we hated each other then this would be much easier I feel! But we don't, so need to handle it carefully so we don't end up hating each other. it would be such a shame to end up with nothing fromthe past 14 years.

that is one of my biggest fears - new partners. will they be able to handle us being friends? my ex seems to think this won't be a problem and says that in truth little will change as we will be very close and 'best friends'. i asked what would happen when their new partner said "I don't want you to be friends with your ex" and they said, "well I won't put up with anyone trying to control who I am friends with". i am not sure they are being very realistic...

TotallyBroke

My ex said the same.... "No matter what happens we will always be friends" but in truth you have to consider the third party's feelings. And when I hear about them now they are together (have been for getting on 6 years) have two children together. Apart from a few rocky spots they seem to be happy. That would not be the case if we had continued to be friends.

Yet with my other ex his wife has no problem with us being friends. We don't do anything on our own, we all meet up for special occasions etc. We have a wide circle of friends. So there is never a question about our relationship.
Plus nothing will ever happen again between us. We are exes for a reason and as time goes on over the years he is less and less marriage/boyfriend material.
Love and hate are very strong emotions and sometimes people confuse the two. Which is how the saying "love to hate....." comes about. You can dislike your ex as a partner but you don't have to dislike him as a friend. Hence my question is "What would he be like as a friend?" Do you like what you see when he interacts with his/your other friends. If you don't like things about him with regards to friendship then you will not be friends.

Curious_George_2

im still very good friends with my ex (we were together 10 years and have one daughter, we just drifted apart too)
he works away for 2 weeks then home for 2 weeks, he only lives a 2 minute walk away and while hes home he probably comes round everyday to see DD, he comes in the morning to take her to school, brings her back in the afternoon and stays for a cuppa
we have all been out together to see shows, we go shopping, give lifts, gets invited round for christmas etc
our washing machine blew up the other week so we have been using his til we get sorted..

i think my current partner has a lot to do with it though, he knows he has absoluely nothing to worry about and trusts us both completely so theres no jealousy, they get on very well and he will be getting an invite to our wedding next year
i think he may struggle to find a new partner though as another woman may not take to our relationship like my OH does, but they will have to put up with it or forget it... he has a wonderful relationship with our DD and no petty crap is ever going to spoil that for them

my OHs ex on the other hand deserves to be drowned in a bucket of !!!!!!, the low life scum that she is... so its swings and roundabouts really
its all in how you deal with it, personally i looked at everything my parents did and demanded that we do the opposite! (they had an AWFUL divorce... the worst! still bitter 25 years later, cant be in the same room for long type bad)
it was shaky to start with, but now we get on better than we did for the last few years of our relationship,
I know it will seem like a massive wrench to separate from someone you have been with for so long but honestly i didnt realise how miserable i had been until someone else came along that made me happy....