Not sure what to do.

hulagirl79

Hi
I am looking for some advice.
I have been married for 3 1/2 years together for 4 years. We both work full time and bought a house together nearly 3 years ago, he put in the deposit of £15,000 but we both pay a certain amount into the house which covers the house, although the we have not much equity in the house do to the propety market.
Now we have been trying for a baby for 2 1/2 years [roughly] and have been sent for tests and nothing has been found to be wrong with me , with hubby his little guys are not swimming in the right direction [he was told over a year ago to cut down on his drinking, as he was drinking 4-5 pints per night more at the weekends]

He has never really cut down, he does for a couple of weeks then starts drinking again, when he does this he gets really moody and feeling sorry for himself and makes out it is such a big deal, when i point out that this is for a good reason he sometimes screams and shouts at me telling me to f**k off.
[ i dont understand this, as if you want a baby surely that is more important, i have not drunk anything for about 8 months and even before that i only had about 3 drinks a week]

Now i have got to the point where half the time i want out of the relationship and the other half things are ok and i think maybe things will be ok.

I honestly do not know what to do, i dont feel i get any support from him [i had been having a tough time in my new job and my mum has terminal cancer] he makes all the right noises but never follows it up with anything [says he will do things but never does]
Am i being unresonable, we have been to counselling but he gave up after 2 sessions when she started delveing into to his past [his mum died when he was 14 and he has been on his own since them, he is 37] he siad it was not going to help

I At the moment there is no chance of us getting pregnant [ so that is not a worry]
but finacially what do i do re the house
any help would be appricated

Thanks

xxlaurissaxx

When you ask about the hose what do you mean? Do you want to leave him? xx

Sweetpeanut

This Might Sound A Bit Drastic, But If He Is Not Giving You The Love & Support You Need (with Your Mum, Being Ill), And He Has No Chance Of Changing, Me Myself I Would Get Rid, Does He Want A Baby? Does He Understand The Tremendous Pressure You Are Under, With The Thought Of Losing Your Mum? As For The House Surely It Would Be Split 50/50? I Do Hope You Get Yourself Sorted, I Lost My Mum 8yrs Ago, And My Husband Was Fantastic, Very Patient & Very Understanding. Without Him I Would'nt Have Got Thru It. :a

Pssst

When you say we have been trying for a baby is that the Royal we or the collective we?

Have you had a discussion about it and have made a joint and mutually agreeable decision to have a child?

Unfortunately many men are not very good at saying very clearly what they want and what they feel.


Often they just go along with stuff or just live with it instead of taking control of their own hopes,feelings and desires.

I should know,I'm one of them !

So then,thats one issue to address.

Your partners drinking is his choice but it does sound excessive.

I doubt i drink 3 pints a week never mind three a night.

Remember though,his choice,his life. Dont dictate. If it doesnt suit,move along.

McKneff

personally i would put your plans for a baby on hold till he sorts his priorities out and means it. Two or three years down the line he could be an alcoholic and he seems to be heading that way,
would you really want a small child in that situation where father is drunk every night, (it wont stay 4-5 pints a night) He also could be depressed also because of his abilities to make a baby so it perpetuates itself. Maybe putting off having a baby for now will take the pressure off him for a while
and he can think straighter. Good luck to you both.

hulagirl79

Hi thanks for all your replies.

just to clear up some points [i was writing before work this morning, so i did miss a few things out]
He has said on numerous occasions that he wants to have a child and he is the one who wanted us to go to the clinic to see there are any problems and he was pushing for ivf, now dont get me wrong i want a baby[ iam a nanny so work with them every day and know quite a lot of what it takes to be a parent] but having had an alcholic father am well aware of what situation i am not prepared to bring a child into.

I can understand if he is depressed about the baby aspect but this has been two long years and everytime we go to see the consultant he asks about drinking and hubby says how much he is drinking and that he is aware it is too much and that he will cut back. The consultant has even asked him why he drinks as much as he does and he just laughed the question off.

As i said the baby thing is not happening at the moment [due to no sex tmi sorry]
and i just do not know what to do next.
I have looked at moving out and giving him/me time but i am not sure it will help, i dont want to give up on this marriage as i know relationships take work, but i am not sure how much more i can give, I am tired of giving me to someone who for a few short months cant do one small thing for something he/we want.

sorry if i am rambleing on.

Thanks again

Emmzi

what is more importsnt to you, your marriage, or having a baby?

you cannot MAKE someone else change. they have to want to. it sounds like he wants beer more than a baby, in all honesty. That is what his behaviour suggests.

what do YOU want more?

Susan_Frost

It sounds like you are both dealing with difficult things at the moment, so maybe this is not the right time for a baby. Has the relationship always been like this, or has something changed.

You talk about his drinking, but, (though I am not medical), it does not sound as though that is why the lack of conception is down to him. You seem to be saying "his little guys are not swimming in the right direction", which is the reason. I guess he is feeling pretty vulnerable, upset and all the other things if he thinks he will have difficulty having kids. If kids are what he wants at 37. (Not saying he is too old, just - was it a choice not to have them earlier)

You are also having to deal with mum's illness and are obviously very, very worried.

I guess only you know whether you want to continue in the marriage. Maybe dont make big decisions at the moment.

Regarding the house, if you split, and are married, I believe you are entitled to half everything. If you feel he should have his initial £15,000 back, or a larger share, that would be up to you.

Hope you can make the right decisions for yourself, and come through it much happier than you are at the moment.

So sorry to hear about mum. Hope you have some supportive friends around.

415SanFran

I hate to say this but if he knows that cutting down on drinking is what is stopping you from becoming pregnant, isn't he kind of telling you that this is not really what he wants.

Are you prepared to bring this child up alone emotionally?
Because a man that cannot cut down without verbally abusing you even for a few days will just as quickly become verbally abusive to a crying colicky baby at 3am in the morning!!
I do not mean to be blunt but are you sure the question was about the house.
If that was me I would WALK no RUN

lolababy

Id echo other posters and say wait. He may be saying he wants children but his actions say otherwise. If he is getting aggressive with you over the drinking what will he be like with a crying baby?.
Give it time and concentrate on the things that you are having to deal with now. Dont bring another life into the mix your under enough pressure now.

Geenie

A couple of points.

Firstly, for a man to be told that he is the problem when it comes to conceiving a child is a major blow to their virility and how they percieve themselves among fellow men. I am not saying it is reasonable thinking by the way, but I think it is a bigger blow for them then women often, when it comes to conceiving. He is under a great deal of pressure to make you pregnant at the moment.

Secondly, and I think this is the most important thing. Your OH has a drink problem. If he cannot go a single night without a minimum of 4-5 pints, I don't think you should be thinking about getting pregnant. Alcohol is used to numb and blot out real life. Your OH needs to work out what is causing him to need this escape, before your relationship and a family should be considered. Just remember that children only add to the stress on a relationship, and don't help if there are serious cracks already.