How do I help my friend's 13 year old?

roxalana

Hi,

I have a friend who is experiencing problems with her middle child, a 13 year old boy and I want to help but need to go about it the right way.

He is a bit of a handful and has recently been put on ritalin. He is seeing support groups set up through his school and is having anger management sessions. Recently social services have become involved as he has asked (but then retracted) to be put into care. He has also recently told his school that he is being neglected at home.

I don't believe that he is being neglected in the way he has suggested, but I do feel my friend seriously needs support in dealing with his behaviour.

My friend is a good mum but has gone through some difficult times in the last few years and her son is challenging. However, I feel that because he is 'difficult' she often does appear to treat him unfairly in comparison to her other children which I think in some ways justifies some of his anger and behaviour. I think this has created a vicious circle that I think mum and son are desperate to get out of.

I find it quite distressing being around them because I have never been to their house when it hasn't 'kicked off' and I often want to referee. I don't step in because to do so would undermine my friends authority as a parent.

Ideally I would like to approach her away from the house and her children and talk to her but childcare is difficult. I also don't know how to talk to her about it because I don't have any children of my own so I don't really want to seem I'm butting in on something I know nothing about. I also don't want to lose contact with them if she is offended.

I've said nothing for several years now for these reasons but I don't want to not have acted and for her to lose what relationship she has left with her son or for him to go into the care system.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel I am in a catch 22.

Mark7799

You haven't mentioned in the post, what is the position with regard to the father?

KellyWelly

Crikey I'm glad I'm not in that position. If it were one of my friends I think I'd probably mention it to another friend we shared and ask what they thought and then tackle it together.

Maybe approach it by asking her if she feels like she's getting enough support and help because you've noticed that she's stressed and finding it hard sometimes. Stress how difficult you can see it is for her and that you really want to help her and her son because you love and care about them a lot.

roxalana

The father is now seeing them occasionally having not been around for the majority of their lives. Unfortunately, he is not especially helpful as he tends to say things like 'well you mum is a sl*g* anyway'...

They have had 2 other father figures in their lives in the past both of which will no longer be part of their lives (for the better).

belfastgirl23

Could you suggest that your friend might get support from a parenting group and offer to babysit while she went? I've heard really good things about some of these classes - they offer parents the chance to roleplay and come up with creative solutions to their problems...

No matter what, if you don't have kids yourself, you probably can't offer advice without your friend feeling you're looking down on her....sorry

lolababy

Does she have a partner to help her. Sometimes a male influence can help. If not is there a local youth club.
Could you or a family member have him stay over the odd night to give them both a break. Social services can look into weekend respite with a foster family.

ailuro2

offer to babysit for the other two to let her have some one on one time with the middle child.

If you offer to babysit him, he may feel he is being excluded.

Maybe if you're feeling flush you could give her tickets for two to go to a climbing wall , then she can take son to 'help' her - is he the only boy in the house - is he expected to be the 'man of the house' in between father figures??

I agree it is difficult to see where other people seem to be going wrong with their parenting - last time I said something after years of keeping schtum but helping where I could, the person never spoke to me again.

Tread carefully.;)

roxalana

Thanks for everyones replies. I don't think there is going to be an easy answer to this one. I think I will just try to see more of her and check she is ok with social services and only give advice if she asks for it.

sarymclary

Roxalana, I have a 'challenging' child, and they are constant boundary pushers. The key here is to maintain control, and it sounds a though your friend struggles to do this. She is reacting emotionally to the situation, which for the son probably isn't an emotional situation, but more a frustration and anger. His behaviour against her will not make her want to give him 1 on 1 time, because she will perceive that this will 'reward' him for his bad behaviour. The cycle will continue.

Your friend needs to feel that she is strong, and capable enough to cope and keep controlled when things 'kick off'. Her son is in a difficult phase in his life, where he doesn't see himself as a child, has hormones raging through his body, which will create some feelings of anger, wanting to lash out, make him short tempered, when things don't go his way he'll just 'flip'. He has very little control over this, but has to learn to have control. That's what makes him turn into a grown up, otherwise he'll just be a bloke who gets into fights when he's older, or over reacts in arguments, because he never learnt to control his temper. The anger management classes he's attending will help this.

The fact that there isn't a constant male presence in his life means there is no physical presence to 'threaten' him, whenever he over reacts, or loses his temper. If a man is around, boys tend to behave better because there is already an 'alpha male' to dominate the household. He's instinctively trying to adopt this role, without realising what he's doing.

My 2nd eldest son has done this, and still does when my BF isn't around. However, since I've spent more time staying at my BF's house, my son has calmed down, and is more respectful. As he's getting older, he does keep himself in check more, and even when we're at home alone, or just with the children there, I am able to assert my authority in a situation where he doesn't get his own way, or he has to do something he doesn't want to.

The key here is that your friend needs to want to be a good parent, and has to want to give her son a good, stable upbringing. If she is too much of a soft touch, her son will learn that she is weak, that his bullying behaviour works (even if it takes days of nagging for something), and therefore she reinforces the idea that his bad behaviour is a good thing - for him!

A crucial key is to not be drawn into emotional arguments. When he says disrespectful things to her, she should either ignore it at the time, or state that he is being rude, and disrespectful, and to not do it (she needs to be sure it's not going to inflame the situation). She has to keep her voice low, even and controlled, and do not raise her voice or shout and scream - doing that shows she's out of control, therefore he's winning!

I think your approach to your friend needs to be that you really care about her, and her family, and can see she's been struggling with this particular child. Get her to talk about how she feels about it, and him. She probably loves him, but at times hates him too, or at least what he's become. The son she loves is in there, it's just he's disguised him very well at the mo!

Tell her that as someone who hasn't had children, you really admire how she's managed so far, but you'd really like to give her some support when she needs it.

Mum and son probably don't communicate very well right now, but that can be created when there is an activity or game taking place to distract them. Is there an adventure playground with a trim trail, or mini assault course they could go to? What are his interests? My sons love their games consoles, so despite having no interest at all, I started doing team games on them, and asking their advice helped. I also encourage them to help me do something, so if I'm cooking, especially cakes or biscuits, they join in. I set up Myspace accounts for them, but we did it together. I play Monopoly with them, even if I always lose, and we play Trivial Pursuit as teams, and I tend to get my son to be on my team.

It is hard work, but it does work, and my son is so much better, and happier than he was a couple of years ago (15 now), and there have been hard times. For me the key was strict boundaries, sticking to your guns, following through on sanctions, but cruicially, rewarding all good behaviour. Saying how proud, pleased, happy you are with them. Do not overlook the good things, because you sure as hell pick up on the bad things! He now knows that the rewards can be brilliant, but the sanctions are pants! He's still on a 3 month grounding now, but he's not kicked off at all, and knows that it was just me following through on a sanction he knew was in place. (BTW, he got caught smoking in case you're wondering what he did). I also told him if he ever did I would sell his most treasured possession on ebay on a 99p start! His guitar has yet to be found, but when it does reappear when he thinks I've forgotten.....

Good luck. Ensure you come across as wanting to help, not to criticise. Offer support, ask what she thinks you could do?

You sound like a lovely friend. Do you get on with this lad? Could you talk to him about how he's feeling? If you can, do it in a casual way, like during a walk to the sweet shop, or ask to join in on a games console. Try to make it seem genuine, and not too contrived.

Mandles

I knew 2 male kids like this in 2 different families. One got taken ito care the other one died through drugs. As i saw them grow up into young men it was very clear what had been the problem. They both needed a father figure in their lives. They were both quite hyper and needed time spent with them by a genuine good man. Boys more than ever need this. The one taken into care left his rubbish father and got a great father figure who fixed up cars with him and directed his anger etc into doing something constructive and he is a good balanced person now.

He sounds like he is crying out for help.Do they have big brother schemes(as his dad sounds pretty useless).

You sound a good friend. You have got to be cruel to be kind. Invite her around to yours when the kids are at school or playgroup. You have said a lot of good things about her, just make sure you tell her those things aswell.

My heart goes out to him and her & you!

Savvy_Sue

There may be parenting classes aimed at the parents of teenagers, which if you could babysit any younger children for might be helpful. You could encourage your friend to contact Parentline Plus.