Your thoughts wanted please

busiscoming2

Hi, this may be a long post so I apologise. As the title suggests I would like people's thoughts on the following:

I have 2 children from my 1st marriage (ended 1994) now aged 21 & 18 and another ds aged 12 from this marriage. My oh has brought all the kids up as his own from day one and has supported us financially from the start. My ex refused to pay csa, but he was made by the bailiffs to pay a lump of £10k in 2003 which we spent the money on a car, holiday and invested the remainder. I am due to receive another £15-21k hopefully within the next month or so, the thing is what do I do with it? I would like to pay off some of our mortgage. My dilemma is that who does it belong to (morally) my oh as he has been there financially, the kids - because had we received regular payments they may have had more 'things' - not they have gone without!
My oh believes it is ours as 'the parents who had the financial cost' over the years. Should I ask the older 2 what they think? opinions please....

t_obermory

If it were me I'd invest a good half of the money on your children's behalf (until they're 25 say, or need it) or if they're in a position that they need it now for house deposits, uni costs etc etc then I'd give them the money.

Yes you have raised them and I think you should benefit too, but that money is backdated child maintenance and they should also benefit from it.

Krystaltips

You have paid for everything for the children since the ex went. Maintanence is to cover the day to day costs of bringing up children which you have already done so really the money is yours... I get my CSA weekly and it disapears into school dinner money, swimming lessons and general bills... I would still have to find the money for these things regardless if I didn't get CSA....

If you want to share some with your children then it is up to you but paying off some mortgage in this climate is a better idea I think...

crazyaboutsaving

Hello,
I agree with t_obermory. Some of the money should be invested for the kids - maybe money for education/university? And the remainder put towards things like the mortgage. And maybe a nice treat for each of the kids, something each of them has really wanted (i.e. an ipod, mobile phone, etc.)

Amanda65

I think that this money belongs to your family. As you say your children have not gone without and if you had received it regularly during their childhood as you should have done would you have put some aside each week for them when they were older, or would it have just been swallowed up in general household expenditure .

Presumably if you do pay off some of the mortgage that will either give you a more disposable monthly income now, or mean that your mortgage term will reduce. Either way there will be extra cash around in the future and I am sure that this will enable you to continue to support your children, as and when they need it, as you always have done

miserly_mum

I think because its being paid in a lump sum it seems like a huge amount so you'd feel guilty keeping it all.

But if you divide it between 2 kids over a 5 year period its probably more or less what you and 2nd hubby spent on them anyway. So I believe technically and morally it belongs to you and hubby.

Having said that if I was in your position i'd definately invest part of it for the older 2 and as someone else suggested treat them to something nice aswell.

What you do with the rest is up to you.

blackcoffee

id split it 4 ways, your elder 2 children have say 1/4 put away in savings, and you and your oh have the other 1/2.

busiscoming2

Thank you all, I think miserly_mum has hit the nail on the head about feeling guilty, I do.
but as others have said had it been paid regularly it would have just been swallowed up by day to day living expenses.

KellyWelly

That money belongs to you - child maintenance is to contribute towards the every day costs of bringing up children. Add up what you and your husband spent over the years and I bet is much more than twice the amount your ex is going to be paying back.

If I were in this situation then I would consider it repayment of a debt - your children were fed, clothed and warm - your ex did not pay for it at the time and so you had to make up the short fall. I'd probably consider giving a little bit to the kids but it's not their money. It wouldn't have been their money if it had been given to you all those years ago - you would have spent it on bills and food etc, it wouldn't have been their pocket money. If it were the case that the money was the children's then once they reached the age of majority the debt would be owed to them - it's not, legally the debt is owed to you.

Anyway, hope it all works out for you and I am glad to see that your ex hasn't got away with being a dead beat and is being made to pay up.

gremlin

I think the money is yours and your OH.

If you step back and take feelings out of this.

The way I see it it your OH has paid for the wellbeing and upkeep of your children that arent his full responsibility. This is just re-imbursement of that money, they were your ex'es financial responsibility. Over the years you and your OH have spent this money (and more) on your kids already - this is just your OH being paid back the money he used to keep them instead of their !!!!less father.

Well done to both of you for making sure your kids didn't go without, but you dont owe it to them to give this money to them.

If you think they need the money than if you want you can give them some but you are under no moral obligation to give it to them.

IMHO to use the money to pay off your mortgage would be a good idea. They will benefit from that eventually when they inherit anyway.

best of luck

Jane x

Susan_Frost

I feel it belongs to you and your husband.

You have been a good team over the years, he has brought them up and financed them as his own. Now is not the time to say who is what part of what family to what degree.

It belongs to the two of you. It is what would have come into the household bit by bit each month had things been fair in the first place.

If you wanted to do something for the children, I would suggest each gets, say, £2000 or £3000 each. That includes the youngest. If he had been an only child, I'm sure he would have had more, or maybe you would not have had to work so much yourself when he was little. Swings and Roundabouts. It is not about costing things down to the last penny, the kids have had a happy, normal life. He is their brother. All have contributed, had stuff, made sacrifices, done the usual family things over the years. Dont let this now start to split the family into yours, mine and ours.

The balance of the money - have a nice family holiday, and pay some off the mortgage.

I'm so glad you are coming into this money. Remember, FAMILY has been the word for you both so far - let it continue.

Best wishes.