Family / Relationship problems

RAS

bikebarbie wrote: »

He wont move and wont accept to be bought out. He doesnt want to split but hinted that if things go that way he will make it very unplesant whilst we live together - I dont want things to get nasty because dont want the children to be "victim" this situation - I am hoping that it can be a civilized affair.
Has not been violent physically however his words hurt much more- there is no-one else involved- is like menthal torture. If someone looks at me in the shops for example he makes sarcastic remarks (even if I didnt even notice - I dont go walking around with my eyes searchin on who is looking at me!!) - if I say something like "you dont do this or like this" he would reply "but you know someone who does" and always implies in his nasty comments about someone else - is boring and I am at the end of my tether. He does not apprecciate me and keeps turning the tables on me - he is very good with his words trying to make me feel as I am the wrong one and that I need to change.
He does not take any responsability for what is happening to us.
One day he is horrible to me the next he wants to be all sweet and if you saw us you would have thought we are a lovely couple and there is nothing wrong with us. But behind the scene is a different matter!
Financially I never see a Penny of his wages. Yes he pays for the mortgages and a couple of bills but I have to pay for all my expenses, childcare, most of the food and so on...

Abusive relationships are not just those that are violent.

You need to start recording his comments as they are evidence of unreasonable behaviour which would allow you to end the marriage without his consent.

The threats are very much more an issue that might affect whether the courts considere dit acceptable for him to stay in the house.

Get thee to a lawyer.

He is not behaving like a husband. He is a lodger who expects free sex, food and childcare.

MrsTinks

And there was me thinking that unless there was a restraining order preventing him entering the home then so long as he's on the deeds and mortgage he had as much legal right to remain in the home as the OP and the children. More to the point he's actually paying the mortgage.
OP you really need to get legal advice and find out where you stand with this. Have you tried the CAB?

Ames

Mrs Tine, I think you're right. My parents split up ten years ago and mum changed the locks - dad was told by his solicitor that he had every right to break in as it was half his house, until the divorce and everything was sorted. Things could have changed since then though.

Fire_Fox

bikebarbie wrote: »

Savvy_Sue, thanks for moving the thread, and thanks to everyone else who replied.
He wont move and wont accept to be bought out. He doesnt want to split but hinted that if things go that way he will make it very unplesant whilst we live together - I dont want things to get nasty because dont want the children to be "victim" this situation - I am hoping that it can be a civilized affair.
Has not been violent physically however his words hurt much more- there is no-one else involved- is like menthal torture. If someone looks at me in the shops for example he makes sarcastic remarks (even if I didnt even notice - I dont go walking around with my eyes searchin on who is looking at me!!) - if I say something like "you dont do this or like this" he would reply "but you know someone who does" and always implies in his nasty comments about someone else - is boring and I am at the end of my tether. He does not apprecciate me and keeps turning the tables on me - he is very good with his words trying to make me feel as I am the wrong one and that I need to change.
He does not take any responsability for what is happening to us.
One day he is horrible to me the next he wants to be all sweet and if you saw us you would have thought we are a lovely couple and there is nothing wrong with us. But behind the scene is a different matter!
Financially I never see a Penny of his wages. Yes he pays for the mortgages and a couple of bills but I have to pay for all my expenses, childcare, most of the food and so on...
Really sad and mentally tired BikeBarbie!

Of course he doesn't want to split: he knows he will never get it as good again. He must be a very unhappy little man to want to belittle someone he purports to love, the mother of his children. You should pity him since you will go on to have a wonderful life and he will be unhappy until he thinks of someone other than himself.

Do you have any private space or does he go through your belongings/ mobile etc.? If you are able you must start recording these things that are said, times dates and verbatim where possible. This is totally unacceptable behaviour and is worse than violence. You can get him removed from the house by a solicitor, but they will need some basic evidence. This is where you keeping a diary for a few weeks comes in. If you have a friend you trust you can text to them (but delete your sent texts), or record on a blog somewhere.

This record can also be used as a weapon to keep him in line. My ex tried to get me to admit adultery (I had another relationship AFTER I left him) and I suggested we simply divorce on grounds of cruelty, but didn't think he'd want his boss or mother to know. Is he willing to attend marriage guidance? Don't tell him but this can be used to make arrangements for separation. If he refuses to attend ask him what he proposes to do about the current situation.

Stay strong, there are many that have walked in your shoes and come out of the dark times into beautiful sunlight.
:beer:

Fire_Fox

Ames wrote: »

Mrs Tine, I think you're right. My parents split up ten years ago and mum changed the locks - dad was told by his solicitor that he had every right to break in as it was half his house, until the divorce and everything was sorted. Things could have changed since then though.

It depends whether there is abuse. I left my ex in 2001 and was clearly told they could get him out of the house within days. I preferred to be the one that walked away, I was the strong one in the end. He cried when he found out I had met someone else (months later)!! My flat was bought with my half of the house and it's all mine.

:rotfl:

sammy115

I was in the same situation as you a few years ago. I claimed single parent benefits as we lived seperate lives and could prove it (we had seperate bedrooms) He paid the mortgage and i paid the bills, but I only worked part time and he full time (I also had two children). The bills were in my name however, so ultimately and even after I left I was told I was responsible for the bills....

I decided to leave in the end as the mental abuse was slowly eroding my confidence. I decided to rent a property with my children and start again, it was the best thing that ever happened. I could finally get on with my life.

I agree you should get yourself down to a solicitor but you need to work out how to move forward. Do you really want/need to stay in a house with negative equity??

Good luck and keep your chin up whatever you do...

bikebarbie

thank you very much for all your replies, it really helps reading others points of view and suggestions.

His comments are very random he is like DR Jeckil and Mr Hide, but I will start to do this, this is a very good idea.
He doesnt pay the mortgage directly from his account. we have a joint account and he puts a little over the mortgage amount and I put £400 then from my personal account I do almost all the food shopping, all car expenses (as is mine (still paying for it) - he doenst want to contribute - we only have one car) childcare.... so my £400 goes somewhere towards the mortgage a little. For this reason I am o/drawn on my 2 current accounts. So of course I put lessmoney as I earn half of what he does (as with his overtime he often get over 2K but I dont know becuase I dont see a penny and only see the payslips if he mistakenly leaves it around somewhere!
I work full time travel 1hr each way to get to work and have no family near me whatsoever for any support, he thinks I am lazy.- yet I have to manage work- house - kids - We dont have a baby sitter- cleaner or anything like that - The only times I go out with some girl friends is when he works nights and they come around my house in the evening or i go to their house I'd say once every 3 months if that? The only time we go out alone is on my birthday or his birthday, ever.

You have a good piture of my situation as you suggested, I had to put a pin lock on my mobile as he was going thorugh them and if a work male colleague would text me for something silly he would make a storyline worse than Eastenders. He is so paranoid. For that reason I put a lock but that began a worse vicious circle as now he is accusing me of being secretive and hiding things from him.

I am now playing in cool, I used to get upset and passionate about things but now I lost my energy to care for what he thinks , to argue. I have a history of depression - as in my family side - and dont want to become suicidal!!! He does not like it, but I will keep you updated xx

OliveOyl_2

Hun, your situation sounds very similar to mine 17 years ago. And we tried to live in the same home, but seperately and it damn nearly destroyed me.

Looking back now, I can't believe the wreck that I was, but it took a long time for me to accept that he was such a cruel bully. I ended up homeless for 17 weeks because he and his Solicitor were so spiteful arguing over some niggly point that meant my money was held up.

Would I do things differently now- you bet! But I now have the energy for a dirty fight, and then I was a weepy mess, with 2 small children to look after.
You do need some support, so if I were you I would contact a refuge, even if it is just to talk through your situation with someone, or be referred to someone who can help.

Good luck, and if you ever want to talk by all means PM me.

mumoftwins

RAS wrote: »

He is not behaving like a husband. He is a lodger who expects free sex, food and childcare.

Hi bikebarbie,

I know this feeling only too well .

I lived in the same house as my ex whilst divorcing and it was torture. The first thing I did though was go to the Job Centre and see a Lone Parent Advisor who was marvellous! I was entitled to Child Tax Credit and Working Tax Credit straight away as we were living 'seperately' - by this I mean that we weren't sharing the marital bed anymore, I wasn't doing his washing and ironing, cleaning his bedroom or cooking meals for him.

I hope it all works out well for you,

Love MOT xx