Family / Relationship problems

bikebarbie

Hi guys,
sorry if this is the wrong thread but I really need some advice and I hope someone can help.
I am having relationship problem with my husband. We have two children under 10. I need to consider my avenues as my situation is putting great stress on my mental well being.
If we live under the same roof but separate lives he wants to split everything 50/50 but this would be impossible financially for me, even if I am employed I earn around £1150 he earns £1800 (approx sometimes more with o/t)
He refuses to move out of family house - wants me to move house or sell it and we are in neg equity as we only bought property last year.
If we live together but separate lives would I be able to get any single parent tax credit?

I dont have any family to move in with either.
Really sstuck, worried and mentally defeated!!

Please help

marksandsparksgal

Hi bikebarbie,

I would re-post this on the Debt Free Wannabe forum. Although you may not think you're in debt at the moment, they are full of excellent advice over there.

You could have a look at https://www.entitledto.com, to play around with what benefits you may be entitled to, and I'd also call your local Citizens Advice bureau.

On the relationship side, could you not speak to a counselling service, something like Relate? And if you need someone to talk to, Samaritans is always there, as is MSE. Especially othe Debt Free Wannabe board there are many people who post for support for things that have nothing to do with moneysaving and debt!

Wishing you the best of luck.

m&sgal x

PurpleK8

i'd play him at his own game - split everything 50/50, so thats him dropping kids off at school 8.55am, picking them up at 3pm, sorting out childcare during hols, bakers days, illness etc, cooking, cleaning etc etc etc for 50% of the time - he'll be the one to come off worst I'm sure!

bikebarbie

thanks marks....
can a MOD please move the thread??

Hi Purple but even if I wanted to I cant afford to split and he cannot drop the kids off school/pick up when he works (he does shifts...) - he wants to best of both worlds that's why we are where we are today

Savvy_Sue

MOVING THREADS FOR BETTER RESPONSES

Hi, Martin’s asked me to post this in these circumstances: I’ve asked Board Guides to move threads if they’ll receive a better response elsewhere (please see this rule) so this post/thread has been moved to the DFW board, where it should get more replies. If you have any questions about this policy please email [EMAIL="abuse@moneysavingexpert.com"]!!!!!![/EMAIL].

Fire_Fox

bikebarbie wrote: »

Hi guys,
sorry if this is the wrong thread but I really need some advice and I hope someone can help.
I am having relationship problem with my husband. We have two children under 10. I need to consider my avenues as my situation is putting great stress on my mental well being.
If we live under the same roof but separate lives he wants to split everything 50/50 but this would be impossible financially for me, even if I am employed I earn around £1150 he earns £1800 (approx sometimes more with o/t)
He refuses to move out of family house - wants me to move house or sell it and we are in neg equity as we only bought property last year.
If we live together but separate lives would I be able to get any single parent tax credit?

I dont have any family to move in with either.
Really sstuck, worried and mentally defeated!!

Please help

You need a good solicitor hun. Can you get legal aid or at least get the first free half hour that solicitors offer? My ex was violent and they said I could get him evicted really quickly. I decided to go cos I did not want the house (no kids). If you divorce him no judge will make your kids homeless and make you sell a house in negative equity unless you have a massive place and could easily get somewhere smaller and cheaper? I think you can legally separate but live under the same roof but you have to do it officially. Then he would probably have to pay maintenance as well as half!!

Offer to buy him out of the property. Since you are in negative equity he can take on all other debts and walk away from the house. Then take in lodgers to help pay the mortgage and sting him for maintenance!!

As others have said, if he wants to play the 50/ 50 game then agree. Write out a rota of EVERY single chore, including carting the kids about, and agree who will do what. If he can't pick up the kids due to work then he will have to do some other chore - most men hate ironing!

DO NOT do his laundry: you are now house sharing not married. DO NOT cook his meals or buy any food for him. He will get the message. Speak to him politely about the kids or what bill needs paying but don't make conversation ever. In your mind distance yourself from him, you can do it! You are as free as you want to be.

:T:T:T

lynseydee

Fire_Fox wrote: »

You need a good solicitor hun. Can you get legal aid or at least get the first free half hour that solicitors offer? My ex was violent and they said I could get him evicted really quickly. I decided to go cos I did not want the house (no kids). If you divorce him no judge will make your kids homeless and make you sell a house in negative equity unless you have a massive place and could easily get somewhere smaller and cheaper? I think you can legally separate but live under the same roof but you have to do it officially. Then he would probably have to pay maintenance as well as half!!

Offer to buy him out of the property. Since you are in negative equity he can take on all other debts and walk away from the house. Then take in lodgers to help pay the mortgage and sting him for maintenance!!

As others have said, if he wants to play the 50/ 50 game then agree. Write out a rota of EVERY single chore, including carting the kids about, and agree who will do what. If he can't pick up the kids due to work then he will have to do some other chore - most men hate ironing!

DO NOT do his laundry: you are now house sharing not married. DO NOT cook his meals or buy any food for him. He will get the message. Speak to him politely about the kids or what bill needs paying but don't make conversation ever. In your mind distance yourself from him, you can do it! You are as free as you want to be.

:T:T:T

I work in a solicitors and we had one couple (who were childless) who still lived under the same roof. They wanted to divorce and we advised our client that the only way the divorce would be granted was if they could prove that they were leading separate lives i.e. doing their own washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning.

This isn't advice as I'm not a legal expert but just thought you might like to know of a case we have had at work regarding divorcing whilst living together which might help.

bikebarbie

Savvy_Sue, thanks for moving the thread, and thanks to everyone else who replied.
He wont move and wont accept to be bought out. He doesnt want to split but hinted that if things go that way he will make it very unplesant whilst we live together - I dont want things to get nasty because dont want the children to be "victim" this situation - I am hoping that it can be a civilized affair.
Has not been violent physically however his words hurt much more- there is no-one else involved- is like menthal torture. If someone looks at me in the shops for example he makes sarcastic remarks (even if I didnt even notice - I dont go walking around with my eyes searchin on who is looking at me!!) - if I say something like "you dont do this or like this" he would reply "but you know someone who does" and always implies in his nasty comments about someone else - is boring and I am at the end of my tether. He does not apprecciate me and keeps turning the tables on me - he is very good with his words trying to make me feel as I am the wrong one and that I need to change.
He does not take any responsability for what is happening to us.
One day he is horrible to me the next he wants to be all sweet and if you saw us you would have thought we are a lovely couple and there is nothing wrong with us. But behind the scene is a different matter!
Financially I never see a Penny of his wages. Yes he pays for the mortgages and a couple of bills but I have to pay for all my expenses, childcare, most of the food and so on...
Really sad and mentally tired BikeBarbie!

tigtag02

Hi bikebarbie

I'm in the self same position as you other than my ex OH doest work.

Get yourself a solicitor (first half hour free with most) ~ he doesnt have to be violent for you to get an occupation order for you to get him out of the house if you want him to go.

You can claim TC's on your own (with the kids) as long as you can prove you are not living as a couple.

If you want to natter to someone in the same boat feel free to PM me

tt
x

ceebeeby

I'm not being funny, but is the bricks and mortar worth it?

Could you not take the children and yourself to a refuge / Women's Aid Centre? Okay it's disruptive, but you'll be given the peace to find yourself.

The house / negative equity etc. will sort itself out in due course (you might lose the house etc. but surely that's better than being tortured).

You've mentioned a couple of times, mental health and stress. You need to move now whilst you've still got the strength before you're squashed any further.

Good luck x

tigtag02

ceebeeby wrote: »

I'm not being funny, but is the bricks and mortar worth it?

Could you not take the children and yourself to a refuge / Women's Aid Centre? Okay it's disruptive, but you'll be given the peace to find yourself.

The house / negative equity etc. will sort itself out in due course (you might lose the house etc. but surely that's better than being tortured).

You've mentioned a couple of times, mental health and stress. You need to move now whilst you've still got the strength before you're squashed any further.

Good luck x

Why should she have to do this when there are perfectly legitimate routes she can go down to keep herself and the kids in the family home?

Its gonna be stressfull which ever way ~ the less disruption the better.