Suziepoor's 2009 debt-free diary

lilian1977

Just wanted to say good luck Suzie, it's great that you've had your lightbulb moment and I look forward to reading about your progress

suziepoor

Hello everyone

Just thought id update my diary...

Well ive not had a great couple of days, as have been finding it hard living with my ex-bf until we move out, and he may need more time to get himself a job and get sorted, so although i am getting the dmp up and running asap, i wont be able to pay a bigger amount until i can move out to somewhere cheaper and have more spare money to offer as payment.

I had a low moment last night, thinking about everything that i have to do with the dmp, and worring about creditor harrassment, and genuinely feeling sick to the stomach about the debt ive run up, and just thinking how easier things would be for me now if i didnt have the debt, as i could just move out straight away and get on with building a new life for myself. All this made me feel incredibly low and im ashamed to say i scratched and cut my arm with some scissors because i just felt so angry and upset. And i had to ring in sick to work as i was just crying uncontrollably. I am going to go the doctors as i may need to speak to someone to try and deal with things better.

Anyway i am feeling a bit better now and am just going to start changing some of my direct debits and standing orders to my new account and write a little list of the things i need to do this week. Ive dropped my car off for a service and mot, so just hoping it wont be more than what i was quoted, its truly the last thing that im putting on my credit card and then im cutting them up tonight! Will have to post on here to confirm that i have done it, it will be a bit hard as i have practically been living off them and relying on them, but im looking forward to not having to do that anymore.

I have been making some efforts to be more frugal too, and have cut back on food shopping (although did give in to a magazine and cadburys creme egg to cheer myself up yesterday, oops!) but i have done a meal planner for this weeks evening meals and am only going to buy exactly what i need which is good.

I feel like i can see a glimmer of happiness in the future, when i have moved house, and the dmp is up and running and im just making my payments and knowing my debt is going down and also being certain that im not adding to the debt, and feeling freedom after being trapped in quite an unhappy relationship.

The stress comes from everything i'll have to go through to get to that point - wish i could just zap forward in a time machine and miss out on all the stressful stuff!

But i am saying to myself, one day at a time, and i am setting myself smaller targets each day/week and trying to achieve them which helps.

It definately helps to post on here although apologies if i am rambling on too much!


Suzie
xx

suziepoor

Hello everyone

Just thought id update my diary...

Well ive not had a great couple of days, as have been finding it hard living with my ex-bf until we move out, and he may need more time to get himself a job and get sorted, so although i am getting the dmp up and running asap, i wont be able to pay a bigger amount until i can move out to somewhere cheaper and have more spare money to offer as payment.

I had a low moment last night, thinking about everything that i have to do with the dmp, and worring about creditor harrassment, and genuinely feeling sick to the stomach about the debt ive run up, and just thinking how easier things would be for me now if i didnt have the debt, as i could just move out straight away and get on with building a new life for myself. All this made me feel incredibly low and im ashamed to say i scratched and cut my arm with some scissors because i just felt so angry and upset. And i had to ring in sick to work as i was just crying uncontrollably. I am going to go the doctors as i may need to speak to someone to try and deal with things better.

Anyway i am feeling a bit better now and am just going to start changing some of my direct debits and standing orders to my new account and write a little list of the things i need to do this week. Ive dropped my car off for a service and mot, so just hoping it wont be more than what i was quoted, its truly the last thing that im putting on my credit card and then im cutting them up tonight! Will have to post on here to confirm that i have done it, it will be a bit hard as i have practically been living off them and relying on them, but im looking forward to not having to do that anymore.

I have been making some efforts to be more frugal too, and have cut back on food shopping (although did give in to a magazine and cadburys creme egg to cheer myself up yesterday, oops!) but i have done a meal planner for this weeks evening meals and am only going to buy exactly what i need which is good.

I feel like i can see a glimmer of happiness in the future, when i have moved house, and the dmp is up and running and im just making my payments and knowing my debt is going down and also being certain that im not adding to the debt, and feeling freedom after being trapped in quite an unhappy relationship.

The stress comes from everything i'll have to go through to get to that point - wish i could just zap forward in a time machine and miss out on all the stressful stuff!

But i am saying to myself, one day at a time, and i am setting myself smaller targets each day/week and trying to achieve them which helps.

It definately helps to post on here although apologies if i am rambling on too much!


Suzie
xx

epsilondraconis

suziepoor wrote: »

Hello everyone

...All this made me feel incredibly low and im ashamed to say i scratched and cut my arm with some scissors because i just felt so angry and
upset...
...The stress comes from everything i'll have to go through to get to that point - wish i could just zap forward in a time machine and miss out on all the stressful stuff!...

Certainly go to the doctor and chat to them about how you are feeling.

In the past I've felt very low because of various issues that have been on-going. I've tried to change my mindset and use all of the difficult times as a challenge. Instead of getting bogged down and not being able to see the wood for the trees, I try to break things down into manageable chunks, prioritise them and address each in turn. When I have completed one of the tasks, I tick it off of the list and thus make me feel as though I've achieved something.

I've realised that there is only so much help you can get from others and you have to try to build up your inner-self to believe that you are able to take on the next challenge. I try to relish the thought that I am doing things outside of my comfort zone and thus feel much happier when I have successfully achieved what I have set out to achieve.

Changing the way I think didn't happen overnight and there will be times where you struggle with it; however if you stick with it, hopefully you will come out the other side feeling proud of yourself and knowing that you are a stronger person as a result.

Perhaps start setting yourself some small goals to begin with.

Do you have anyone you can confide in about your problems?

Chin up eh...

Edit: Sorry, just read your penultimate paragraph in which you describe setting yourself small tasks. That's the way to go. If you do feel like self harming in future, is there anything you can do to take your mind off of the stress. Perhaps going out for a walk or doing something completely different?

Dinah93

Hi Suzie, read your diary and had to post. I feel like I have been in a similar position to you, trapped with a BF who didn't have a job, and feeling responsible for taking care of him. But you need to realise that the only person you need to be taking care of right now is YOU. He is not your future, he is your past. You need to get out of there for your wellbeing as soon as possible, you will feel better for it. He's never going to get a job with you still paying for him, why would he? This man is using you, I know the job market is hard but if a person really wants a job you go shop to pub to recruitment agency and they WILL get something. Having been where you are I know you're probably going to keep supporting him until a crisis point comes. I'm scared for you that this crisis point may be you cutting that bit deeper. And again, I've been there, I know how tempting it is to do just to feel some sort of control. My crisis point came when he got so violent when I tried to break up with him for about the 20th time that I called my dad at 4am and he called the police. My ex locked me in rooms, spat on me, threw things at me, pushed me around etc and I felt worthless. The police vans coming was a big line under it all for me, I knew I didn't want to be there but finally I felt I could get out. You know you don't want to be with him, he isn't your soulmate, he is a fully grown adult and any issues he has are not yours to solve anymore.

I really hope nothing comes across as harsh, I just know how easy it could have been for me to do something seriously destructive - I used to go running at 3am after he screamed at me then might lock me out to try to clear my head and to stay warm, and I used to run to the roughest areas as I wanted something to happen to me so I didn't have to deal with it anymore. Please get out and stop him using you, however this came about your mental health is very fragile right now, and you don't need him draining you.

Please PM me anytime if you want to talk in confidence.

Huge hugs, Dinah x

ps. Incidentally my ex, who didn't work as he 'couldn't find a job' yet always had money for smokes, left the relationship and aside from some horrible emails and threatening phone calls, never looked back. When I left him I had over 15k of debt from supporting the two of us for over 2 years while I waited for him to become the man I wanted him to be. Have a look at my sig to see what my debt is now less than 6 months later. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I am now with the most amazing, caring, generous man in the world and couldn't be happier, but I am so cautious as a result of my ex I find it very hard to believe he's genuine and constantly push him away.

suziepoor

Hi Dinah

Thanks for your post, its not harsh and i can identify with a lot of the things you say. I think my crises point is that i cannot afford to support both of us anymore, quite literally, as all my credit cards are maxed out, and my salary doesnt come anywhere near covering it, hence me trying to do the dmp for my future. To be honest i ran up a lot of debt by gambling when i was depressed, but on the other hand if i wouldnt of done that i would just have gone on paying for everything for even longer and would maybe never have got out of the situation.

Its hard to accept that someone who supposedly loves you and cares for you, can just give up trying on getting a job and paying their way and just dump all the responsibilities on you, my ex had jobs that he just walked out of, or claimed some jobs were beneath him like working in a supermarked. I know if it was me not working i would have done anything, cleaning, stacking shelves, anything. Im finding it hard coming to terms with it all as part of me still believes he is a decent person, but his actions have shown otherwise.
Like your ex, he has an aggressive temper which is horrible to be around but he has not actually ever hit me. He has calmed down about things now and accepted that its over and says he will try and find a job so we can both move out and move on as soon as possible. I have said i can only manage 1 more month of paying for everything because its the truth. Part of the problem is i am estranged from my family, so i do feel vulnerable and lonely, which is probably why i put up with this situation for so long, and let someone take advantage of me.

I have my dream to hold onto in the future of being on my own, getting my life together, sorting my debts out, and thats what keeps me going.

To be fair he has always sworn he will repay me every penny whatever happens so i give him credit for that, but we'll just have to see.

All this has learnt me a lesson, i think you really do have to learn to love and accept yourself and look after yourself first before you can let anyone in.

Anyway i'll keep on with my little targets for the week in getting my dmp sorted. and definately wont be harming myself again no matter how bad things seem. i have a book on overcoming negative feelings and read a bit about it and think it will help me to work on that.

Suzie
xx

suziepoor

Just an update on my targets:

I got my car through the mot but it cost me an extra £40 so total of £165! But ive kept my word and its the last thing to go on my credit card, and now i will be cutting them up!!

Need to pay another £180 for some more car repairs in March/April so need to have a think about how to pay for that, the garage do offer a payment in installments scheme which is interest free, but am guessing it will probably require a credit check so no chance! but i will find out for sure. Can definately understand why people on dmp's need to build an emergency fund!

I had a pay review at work a while ago and am awaiting the outcome so am definately going to chase that up, as any extra will be a great help.

Am continuing to be frugual and tonight turned my leftover salad from tea into a pasta salad for work to save money.

Suzie
xxx

Kudox

Hi Suzie, I've just replied to a post of yours over on the DMP thread but just noticed your diary and wanted to wish you lots of luck after reading what you've been through.
I think you're being really brave and hope that things work out for you.
Keep posting.

Dinah93

I swear your ex could be my ex Suzie! Very similar attitudes. He used to walk out of no end of jobs, caused blazing rows, but he didn't see why he should do a demeaning job.... erm because you walked out of school, got stoned during your GCSEs and never did anything in the 5 years that followed? He has probably convinced himself in his own head though that this justification is valid, and he's not taking advantage of you. My ex told me again and again I deserved to be yelled at for nagging him to get a job, in the end I believed him. Despite having no money he crossed a final line when I found out he'd lied to me - he'd said he was going to see his cousin for a week, but actually went to Paris to stay with a female 'friend', had taken out a credit card, gone £280 over the limit, and guess which muppet ended up paying it off for him as she was too scared of baliffs turning up! This was while he wasn't working, I was doing 40+ hours a week and still having to put basic food bills on the CC at the end of the month to cover him not working, and hadn't had a holiday in 4 years despite working full time, and taking a masters and basically being knackered! Suprised I didn't go off men completely.

Do you do any extra up your income things? Have a browse of the up your income board, I do slice the pie, dooyoo, online surveys as well as selling old stuff on Amazon, it all adds up.

Damita

Just stopping by to say Good luck and keep strong!