Should I help someone with their debt?

dippenhall

Hi,
I have a dilemma as to whether I should help my mother with her debts

She is 64 & has been in debt for probably 25 years since separating from my Dad. She has run up debts and paid them off and run them back up again over and over. She remortgaged her house to the hilt, rented out her house to pay off debts, consolidated loans, cashed in endowments, used her small inheritance from the death of her parents and finally a few years ago sold her house to pay off debts. But every time she pays debts off (literally about 10 times) she runs them back up again to about £20000+ by living way beyond her means.

She currently is living back with my Dad who pays for everything except the running costs of her car. Yet she now has about £25000 of debt again!

She is 64 receives a very small state pension, & equally small company pension. She has now taken on 3 jobs to pay off her debts and reckons she will have to work until she is at least 70 to pay them off.

She still lives beyond her means, being over generous at Xmas, often going out to eat etc, she wants to go on a cruise this year, always wanting new clothes etc etc.

I am wondering whether I should try to help her, I could maybe spare £100 a month or so, but I am worried that as through all these years she has never tackled her overpsending & basically living well beyond her means, that it will not help to actually pay off anything.

I feel a bit awkward about it, approaching her etc. What do you think? Would you have wanted someone to help you out? Or can you only really help when someone also wants to help themselves & live within their means ultimately? I don't want to pry too much into her business, but if I help financially I feel I might want some guarantees that she will rein in her spending? What would you do!

Any advice would be great!

BlondeHeadOn

Point her towards this site - that's the best thing you can do for her!

Honestly you will not be helping by bailing her out. Been there with a family member, done it, regretted it....

beckseven

It sounds harsh but don't. She really needs to have her lightbulb moment and sort her own finances out. If you give her £100 a month it sounds like it will be frittered on clothes and eating out- I know it's hard because she's your mum but you will just be financing her living way above her means.

RAS

Hi

Please do not do it.

Your mother is not going to change and if you give her money, all that will happen is that her debt will increase.

Point her towards one of the debt charities and get her on here and there may be some hope.

Caroline73_2

Will she appreciate it? Probably not if she can't control her spending now.

She is abusing your Dads generosity so would probably abuse yours. She is an adult and needs to take responsibility for herself. It's not your job.

bargainbetty

I'm with BlondeHeadOn and everyone else on this - don't. Your aims are lovely, but you know that until she sorts herself out, it's throwing good money after bad.

I've done it for friends. Ended up with less money and less friends....

meerkat2007

I think the best thing you can give your mother is advice, and directions to this site.

From what you've said, it seems that, although she has paid off her debts several times, she has not had a true LBM yet. Until/unless that happens, the cycle of paying off debt only to run it up again will continue.

So don't fret about giving her financial assistance - what she needs most is assistance with the root cause of her situation, and that is living beyond her means.

Good luck, and all the best!

PasturesNew

If you're desperate to help, you could secretly save that £100/month until some future point when she has had her LBM and tackled the majority of her debt. Maybe take it all out of savings and pay off the last bit for Xmas 2015.

jenjade

I started reading and i though of course you should help your mum. But don't do it she is living beyond her means she needs to take control herself!!

Can you talk to her help her budget, show her this site? She moght enjoy competitions and could win money, cruise etc!

Jacks_xxx

:hello: I think you should absolutely try to help her honey - but giving her money is not help - it's enabling.

If you have a spare £100 a month then save it. It may be in the future she'll have health or other needs that you would like to help with but handing it over to fuel her spending problem is not a great idea in my opinion.

Love Jacks xxx

Deep_In_Debt

As others have said. I was in a similar situation a few years back - in the end I had to go for "tough love" for that person to change. However, I did put some money aside for them which came in handy when they needed urgent health treatment.