Splitting up and kids

floatylight

Hi All

Been reading through some of the advice that you guys have given to others and hope you have some for me.

My partner and I have been together for 19 years, not married, we have always has a rocky relationship and I have always been honest about wanting to settle down and get married he has always managed to string me along, he never tells me he loves me or shows me any affection and by his own admission is very selfish emotionally.

To cut a long story short we have decided to seperate and apart from the usual worries about coping alone, I have no idea how to tell the children, we have a daughter age 12 (going through the usual hormonal pre teen problems) and a son 11 who has Tourettes, adhd and mild ocd.

Do I tell them together or one at a time, I think my daughter will take this hard and don't know what to do for the best. Just want to make this as easy on them as possible.

Any advice will be helpful x

k2tog

What a tricky thing to have to do.
Perhaps you could both talk to them together - your children may well be a good support for each other in the months ahead. This would also avoid any possible bad feelings if one is told before the other.
Good luck and look after yourselves

whitewing

Would it be possible for you and your partner to tell the children together so you can all be clear about what was and wasn't said etc etc.

So sorry for you all x

never_enough

If you can manage to do it, it would be good for all 4 of you to sit down together to discuss this.
My parents did this for me. I found it quite reassuring to see that they were still 'together' on parenting issues even when planning not to be together as a couple.
Be prepared for questions, they will have loads I'm sure. If you don't know how something will work out admit it, & say you (all) need to work these things out together to make the best of it.
Hope it goes ok.

onetomany

right hun set ground rules, tell them together you dont want to go out with each other anymore, it dosent have anything to do with them (ur spliting up)not them and there dad, becacuse he still is there dad and loves them loads, just u and dad fall out just like they do with there friends, and give loads of cuddles reasorance etc kids adapt more than we give credit, good luck hun

dellybelly_2

I attended a parenting through separation and divorce seminar that was based on the work of Dr. Christina McGee who did the programme "How to divorce without screwing up your kids" on ch 4. a couple of years ago.

She has some really great advice. This is her website. You should find lots of useful advice there. If you have a local parents advice centre, you should definitley contact them. If you feel your kids need counselling, try through their school or your GP.

Good luck with your future. if you need any more support, there's a thread called Rebuiliding our lives in the MOneysavers Arms, If you need to vent, come and join us.

inamess200

Hi - can't add much apart from to say I am in the same boat - together 19 years but married for 14 of them. We are splitting up he is moving out at the weekend. You may find it won't be a suprise to your eldest as they hear alot they don;t talk about. I have found a book called family breakups that is written for kids that tries to explain what they are feeling and what the parents are feeling so am going to gived them that.

My OH has been very vocal about the fact he is moving out as has my MIL so i don;t think the kids will be shocked but I am worried he may not bother with them once he has built a life of his own so i am more worried about what will happen in a year or so.

Good luck with everything

floatylight

Thanks for all your replies. I am not looking forward to breaking the news at all, have tried to talk to my partner about doing it together and he doesn't seem bothered, I am worried that he will make things worse but agree that we have to show a united front.

thanks again for all the support x

looktothefuture

When my parents (well my mom and stepdad) split up after 17 years, they sat down my sister and I together and told us what was going on (ok so I was 21 and my sister was 17 but it made all the difference) and explained that there would be no hard feelings if we wanted to stay in contact with my stepfather (which I did but sadly my sister didn't).

The best thing to do is show a united front and show your children that you can work together on what's good for them but unfortunatly your relationship hasn't worked so you are going to go your seperate ways... please reassure them that Dad will always love them (even if he is emotionally disabled! :rolleyes: ). Also, could you promise your ex that there is going to be no slagging one another off to the children (we have that with my partners son and he comes home to us on the weekend and tells us what mommy said about me... it's great to hear you are thought of as a !!!!! by the woman who allows me to feed, clothe, and look after her son 175 days a year!)

Good luck! Remember to take time to heal yourself too.