Christmas clanger!

justruth

My gf and I have a quite stormy relationship, so I had suggested that we agree a spending limit on each others Christmas present. She wanted a much higher limit than I can afford, so I laid it on the line and said that as all anyone in my family was getting was £20, I'd sooner we both get really small thoughtful gifts, or go halves on a hotel or meal out or such like.

Following this she we had another spat and split up, only to reconcile again, only after this she decided to buy me all sorts of expensive presents that I just don't need including a nintendo DS. WHat she doesn't appreciate is that all of a year ago I sold my last DS as I didn't use it! She has also brought me some other presents and suggested that I buy her an x box!!!!! Clearly not understanding the whole issue. I tried to talk to her, she knows exactly how much debt I am in and how hard the debt makes life for me, but she also knows I have 'space on my credit card' to buy her a nice gift.

I explained that I was upset that she had gone against what we had agreed because if I had the money I would love to buy her a nice present, but I simply dont. At this she got all defensive and asked if I wanted to split up again to which I rather hastily in the heat of the moment said yes. After calming down and talking more she has said she wanted to give me these presents even if I couldn't afford to give her what I wanted, and if it were the other way round I wouldn't have a problem. So we agreed and decided to spend a bit of time together over the holiday.

She called me tonight before I started work, she was checking my dress size to buy more gifts.

I feel like she is trying to buy me. Am I being too harsh???

ragingbass

Sounds to me that while you're together, you'll always be in debt.

To be fair to her, some people have trouble expressing themselves emotionally and replace that affection with expensive material gifts.

The root problem sounds more like one of communication though, rather than the money. If you've been over the subject time and again and she isn't getting it then she's either not listening or not caring what you have to say

10past6

It sounds more of an insecurity issue she has.

Some people give expensive gifts as a way of "Buying" love, they also expect the same in return, expensive gifts = love.

I'll bet somewhere down the line she has some emotional issues from years gone by that confirm my suspicions.

I'm not being judgmental or critical, but if my comments makes sense, at least it's a starting point in trying to get your issues sorted.

Good luck

pointypenguin

Is your girlfriend in debt too?

lilian1977

Do you have joint debt? If so then this needs to be nipped in the bud asap. If not, then I guess you just need to continue to be strong - if you've set a spending limit that she's agreed to (even if she's gone back on it) then just spend the money you've said you will, and she'll soon get bored of not getting as much back as she's laid out (that's how it'll look in her eyes anyway, it sounds like the £20 of well thought out gifts will be much better than buying an xbox she's asked for - where's the surprise or thought in that?!)

Sarah147

I would much rather have an inexpensive thoughful gift I really like than something expensive that I don't like.

justruth

We don't have joint anything financial, and she was one of those who avoided her debt by ignoring it and moving to Jersey for a few years. Financially she is entirely irresponsible and this has been the cause of many of our spats as I always pay my debt and cut back on other things. I think most of what has been said here is what I already knew, I just needed it confirming by other people who really understood debt.

Thank you all and merry Christmas xxx

justruth

Would it be worng to sell the DS on ebay????

HannaB

justruth wrote: »

Would it be worng to sell the DS on ebay????

Or just return the DS to Game or Gamestation. If you phone ahead and explain it's in an unopened wrapper, they might give you full store credit to get her the Xbox.

Can I just say that I'm in the exact same position as you. Last year my OH got me a PSP and lots of games, which I've played twice in the past year. This year, he hinted that we was going to buy me a laptop. I straight out said I didn't want one because I have my stepdad's old one (which is perfect for what I need it for). He then hinted about buying me a sat nav. Again, I said no, because it's very rare I go anywhere where I would need one (and when I do, I "borrow" my brothers).

Instead I asked for a watch, and he's bought me a very nice one, but he had to give it to me early "to check it fitted". Over the weekend, he said with a wink that "I'll be very mad with him on Xmas Day."

Thanks to this, I am now filled with dread about Thursday rather than being excited. This is the first Christmas in 5 years that we've spent together (I normally go up north to spend it with my family), which means I will need to open this (very expensive) present in front of him and his whole family. I am cr***ing myself as I don't want to to hurt his feelings.

Like you, I've been working my a**e off to pay my debts and, in my mind anyway, it's time to start saving for a deposit on a house (we live in the south east!!!!).

Are we just very ungrateful people??

(Sorry to hijack your thread)

chevalier

Seriously to both the op and the last poster, you have such different values regarding money, that I would STRONGLY suggest you NEVER have joint accounts, loans, or even a mortgage. It will only cause you heartache later down the line.

This is something you HAVE to sort out before you get further involved. It is NOT ok to agree a limit, then buy loads of expensive things. It is manipulative and selfish of the person buying. It is, imho just a way of subtle humiliating the person who can't afford much, by rubbing their disposable (as they see it ie space on a credit card) income in your face.

sorry to be harsh
chev

ElizabethJH

I got my presents off my OH yesterday and there were a few of them... I couldn't help but say "you better not have spent a lot" But to be honest it's up to him what he spends... I think it's my problem as he doesn't expect lots from me.. but I feel guilty about him spending more money on me! Mind you he can afford it, so I try to just appreciate it