For better or worse: different money philosophies

pozalina

Hi,

I know that on this board people often find that their partner has a totally different approach to money saving (or moneyspending!) than they do. I guess people either accept their partner is diferent, or try and change them... or leave them.

I'm in a situation now where we have a wedding planned for April and we have bought a house together, but yesterday I found myself asking whether I can live with him as he is or not.

18 months ago I wanted to leave london, so OH and I *together* picked a new city to live in. I promptly got a job in the new city, and he said he'd do the same. However he works in the building industry and is self-employed, so he couldn't just transfer up here to do what he was doing down there - no clients etc. In my view he could have either worked for someone or done a big ad job - leafleting/yellow pages etc. But he didn't - he continued to take on bits of work in london, and when he was out of work he would come up here and sometimes go to the job centre. That was over a year ago and we are still in the same position. I earn a good salary and most of it goes on the mortgage and bills (all DD from my account). When he works he gives me money, when he doesn't we (barely) survive off my money. I know I 'nag' him about getting a job here and he hates it, but nothing changes. Now we have a wedding soon and I have savings - he doesn't - so again I mentioned getting a regular job, even if it was low paid. He said he won't work for rubbish pay, even tho we need every penny to pay for wedding.

How can I face a furure with no financial commitment from him? How can I take time off to have a baby and work PT if he's not providing enough? What if I get ill and can't work? All these things scare me. He thinks I worry about things that will never happen, but they do!

Is it just me being OTT or is he really taking the p*ss out of me?

Thanks for listening, I know its been v.long.

P x

mummysaver

Hi there, sorry to hear about your problems, it's hard enough planning a wedding, and living apart is difficult too, so things must be very hard for you at the moment.

To me, it doesn't sound like your partner wants to leave London, does he live at home with you when he's working there, or does he stay in London with friends. It looks like you need to discuss what you both want and need from each other - easier said than done I know, but I can't really see what else you can do if you want to get married and stay that way.

pozalina

mummysaver wrote:

Hi there, sorry to hear about your problems, it's hard enough planning a wedding, and living apart is difficult too, so things must be very hard for you at the moment.

To me, it doesn't sound like your partner wants to leave London, does he live at home with you when he's working there, or does he stay in London with friends. It looks like you need to discuss what you both want and need from each other - easier said than done I know, but I can't really see what else you can do if you want to get married and stay that way.

Thanks for your reply. I don't think it's as much that he doesn't want to leave london as it is that he's not that motivated to find work up here, and wants work to drop at his feet rather than actually make an effort to go out and find it. I've tried loads of times to talk to him about it but we have the sameconversation every time, ie I say I want him to get a job here cos I want him to be with me all the time and so we can have a secure income, and he says it's all about what *I* want, and that he's looked for work and not found anything suitable, and then he goes in a bad mood. Maybe I could approach it differently but I don't know how.

[Deleted User]

You are hearing alarm bells. Listen to your intuition pozalina. Easier said than done I know but I would postpone the wedding until there is some stability re your jobs and relationship. Maybe that will motivate him

Apple_2

pozalina
I've had the same misgivings about my O/H. Apart from 'some' rows about work/money/cleaning the home etc, I've basically had to accept he's just a different animal on the money front. I'm a worker and saver who wants to achieve ..... he's happy as long as he's 'sorted' short term. I've asked myself whether I can accept he's like this, and the answer is just about yes. We are different and I either have to accept him as he is, or we split. He's moderated his behaviour slightly, but he's basically a spender whereas I'm a saver. It can work and I'm sure lots of other couples face this too - but there will be friction between the two of you. Just depends whether you can live with someone like that.

Faith_2

Perhaps if you postpone the wedding and tell him clearly of your fear - especially as when you have a child you will need a regular income: babies become children who become teenagers and they aren't cheap! - perhaps, it will give him the kick he needs and make him realise your worries are serious.

rchddap1

Sounds like you need to work out what you want and what you don't want. To be brutally honest you can't expect him to change when you get married. if this isn't good enough for you then you both need to have a serious discussion about the future and also think about postponing the wedding.

It all depends on how you feel and what you want. No-one can tell you that.

Savvy_Sue

rchddap1 wrote:

To be brutally honest you can't expect him to change when you get married.

Very true. DH says women marry men and expect to change them; men marry women with no intention of changing anything!

You can go to marriage guidance even if you're not married, on your own or with him. Or there is pre-marriage counselling, specifically for engaged couples - the one I know of is here. They'd probably be able to point you to something local if this isn't. Either of those might help you say things in a way he'll hear - although I wouldn't hold your breath!

And if he's not keen on pre-marriage counselling, I'd have serious doubts about his commitment ...

leftieM

Money issues can break up a lot of relationships if not trashed out at this stage. When it comes to a career i think you have to accept that your partner has to make his own way. Do you really want a husband who resents you for forcing him to take a job that he feels isn't for him?
What if he did get a job earning good money - it might well involve him working excessive hours and never being at home with you and the children. Be careful what you wish for.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

How can I face a furure with no financial commitment from him? How can I take time off to have a baby and work PT if he's not providing enough? What if I get ill and can't work?

Perhaps the question you need to ask yourself is not how you can do it but if you want to.