divorce

zburridge

hello new to this but any help much appreciated myself and o/h have not been getting on for long time. new year new start thats what i say,but he keeps telling me i cant afford a divorce? i have all the words he's not paying bills and is not moving out ect. I have grown up children so no worry there but i do not work so have no means of my own I am not asking him to move out only buy me out or come to some aggrement, we both know we are not getting on but why dose it have to be nasty, am i being unreasonable? new year tomorrow another night infront of telly not speaking need some advice please.

elona

I think that you might get more replies on the marriage and relationships board.

It sounds awful - can you see a solicitor or Citizen's advice as a start?

november

No you are not being unreasonable. If he is though or won't discuss it then you need to forget what he is doing/saying and focus on what you want.

You say you don't work and have no means of your own. That won't stop you divorcing as you could possibly claim benefits once divorced (depends on if you have any other income). Sometimes women in your position though decide to take a longer term position e.g. get a job and therefore personally feel more secure/independant before they divorce and put up with the uncomfortable home circumstances. Others go for 'divorce first' and then work on own financial independance. It depends on your particular circumstances what you decide to do.

You can go and see Citizens Advice for more information and advice on your rights or go and see a solicitor. Or I think now you can be referred to mediation (ask at CA) to help you both reach agreement which will save money. You will need a solicitor at some point though if it involves a house sale.

I hope it doesn't get nasty and I don't know why it would have to but sometimes it does. Seek advice to protect yourself. Also seek advice so you know what your rights are realistically e.g. the house may have to be sold and you both start afresh if you can't agree who buys who out.

Whether or not he says he can afford a divorce is irrelevant. Life is too short to spend with someone you don't get on with if you can't both work it out or don't want to. As I've said forget what he is saying for now and you decide what you want for your self. Then get some support and advice in doing it.

november

For more legal information on divorce try entering 'divorce' in the search engine here

http://search.clsdirect.org.uk/index.asp?lang=en

tanith

your post could of been written by me some 16yrs ago apart from the fact I had 2 children still at home....... My OH was in denial and never believed I could make it without him, so I made a list of what I would need to do to be independant of him..

Get a job was top of that list, and although I had been out of employment for 18yrs I did get a job and the confidence doing that one thing gave me, enabled me to be all these years later remarried living in my own home with my children and grandkids close by and very happy .........

So make a plan and work out what it would take to be independant , I lived with my parents briefly (although moving out of the house might not be a good plan) it worked for me and down the line the house was sold and I was able to contribute to the purchase of my new home.. I have never looked back and my children all agree it was the best thing I could of done for all concerned as their father too found happiness elsewhere...

Good Luck for what will be a difficult time but there will always be light at the end of the tunnel if you have a plan in mind....

mutley74

try for starters

http://www.divorce.co.uk/
http://www.ondivorce.co.uk/index.htm

http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/couples/heartaches_divorce.shtml

http://www.nfm.u-net.com/

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Perhaps the key to all this is, does he want a divorce?
If he does then the two of you should be able to sort it out between you in a reasonably amicable way, if he doesn't then you need legal advice. Many family law solicitors will give you a free first session and an all women practice may be more supportive and understanding than a mixed or all male one. Hope this helps and good luck.

gentlepurr

your o/h is saying all the tthings my o/h did, just to put you off the track. he thinks he knows how easy it is to put you off the track, and just like me, so far he's winning.

i got so sick of it all, i rang my local county courts, they sent me the forms out to apply for divorce. it costs around £210 to apply, when you send the forms back (price can vary in different localities) and you do have to prove valid grounds for divorce.

anyway, i filled the forms in, and then sat my husband down and told him that i do mean it, and i am serious. he was gobsmacked. i think the fact that i had actually gone so far was a complete shock to him, he must have thought it was idle threats before. for the first time, he actually sat sensibly, and we discussed things, no excuses, no denials, and we both discussed options. i havn't sent the papers back yet, (my gut feeling is that i will be doing so, but i would love everything to be alright again, don't want to give up without doing everything i can to make my marriage work)

my point is, it costs nothing to get the papers, and maybe thats the wake up call youro/h needs too?
if it only serves to instigate a sensible discussion, at least its done that, and see where you go from there.

hth, pm me if you want to

xx

btw, my o/h was (is) also very abusive,and antagonistic etc, thats why i was even more amazed he sat and talked sensibly. never seen him so sensible b4. xx

zburridge

thank you all. been looking into things update, trying to talk he told me i need a job.wow i am not the one watching tv every night and day if not working. i have got a social life i have joined a gym and a walking club.he said he would buy my half of the house, dont know where he would get the money I deal with anything financial rates water mortgage ect he's 53 selfemployed but maybe he knows something i dont he is due some money from his father which i was told i am not getting any well not really bothered.tried talking but have come to the conclusion we have'nt got anything in common anymore which is sad and my children who are grown up but have not left home. must realise somethings not wright but dont want to get involved.

pammyM_2

hi zburridge. I wanted to let you know that 12 months ago, I was in a very similar position. Last January, after a bitter exchange with my husband of 30 years, I made an appointment to see a solicitor recommended to me by a friend. I was amazed at how the concept of "fairness" re divorce issues was going to put me in a better position than I'd expected. (My husband too, had lashed out saying I'd get nothing etc etc.)
Today, 3 weeks before the absolute is granted, I am in my own home with maintenence agreed for me and our youngest son and a pension share in place. I had deluded myself for years that it was in the interests of my children to stay together. I think it was really fear of the unknown that stopped me taking action. After a fair bit of nastiness in the early stages, my husband now acknowledges that we've done the right thing for ourselves and the children. Better late than never, I say.

Tom_Saunders

Some people may say that's half the problem with this country now adays it's to easy to get divorced.

Half the time me and my wife could kill each other but the thought of now seeing my children every day breaks my heart.

No one can convince me it would be for the best. I live for my kids ( and football) so I don't see why I should ever leave them.

Have a happy weekend.