Single parent

hellies

Hi. i am a new single parent. after a long period of problems and an on/off relationship my oh has finally walked, and for once i was glad to close the door behind him. i have 2 children under 4 and work full time.

i just need some help with my finances. i own my own home and am now left with full resoponsibility for all our bills. Basically, with my wages, tax credits and child benefit i am going to be just under £200 short of breaking even each month, thats without any money for myself and the kids. i have thought about getting a 2nd job, but have no idea if it will be worth it with regards to tax credits? and does anyone know of any supermarkets etc looking for xmas staff?

also, how fair do i have to be about access to the kids. dd1 is 3 and a real mummys girl, dd2 is only 9 months and very clingy to me- she would hate to stay away from me for the night and is a very funny eater, he has no proper 'experience' with her fussy ways. Ex oh has told me he wants 50% access (on no grounds- however much we hate each other he always maintains that i am a great mother) but i obviously dont want to be away from either of the that much. He has NEVER done his share with the kids at home, wont even watch them while i have a bath or make dinner. he has fed dd2 twice and got up to her in the morning once (she gets up at 5am!). hes never taken DD2 out without me and rarely makes an effort with dd1, he never puts her to bed or baths her, never changes her if she has an accident (shes recently potty trained!), he never looks after them on his day off (they go to my mums in the afternoons). He only wants to do the fun stuff with them. Do i have to let it be his way? i feel that he doesnt deserve his own way- yes they are his children too but ive put everything into my babies, i do everything for them and i love them more than the world and feel angry that he now wants to take them off me 3 days a week!! should i just go along with it for a quiet life and to avoid dd's being subjected to any more hostility?

sorry this is so long

whitewing

hellies,

It's not a nice situation to be in, but well done on finding MSE. I wish I'd known about it when I was a single parent.

Try doing a Statement of Affairs from www.makesenseofcards.co.uk and post it in on the debt free wannabe forum. They'll give lots of good advice.

Also, maybe a visit to the Citizen's Advice Bureau, who can let you know a lot more about your rights and actions as a single parent.

findingmyownway

Hi

As far as access goes - building a strong relationship with their father would be the best thing for your children. However, how serious do you think he is about 50% custody? If what you say is true about him playing a small role so far, it is going to be a significant 'culture shock' for him to suddenly be a single parent himself. Anyway, it would be worth sitting down with him and discussing this.

Children are adaptable - yes of course they will miss you, but as long as Daddy is caring for them they will actually be fine and get used to the new situation very quickly!! It sounds harsh, but you will probably miss them far more than they miss you.

However, i do think 50/50 split is a bit too much time away from you. Why don't you see if you can compromise on 2 nights a week first, while they get used to be away from you and agree to reveiw the situation in 6 months and up the number of nights they stay with Dad (assuming he still wants them more!! )

Also - the practicalities of shared custody mean that living close to each other for nursery / school drop offs is important. Has your OH considered this?

Good luck!!

robin_banks

A no doubt difficult situation, both parties must ensure that your children do not get used as a weapon in your squabbles (some of which will be very very petty).

hellies

findingmyownway wrote: »

Hi

As far as access goes - building a strong relationship with their father would be the best thing for your children. However, how serious do you think he is about 50% custody? If what you say is true about him playing a small role so far, it is going to be a significant 'culture shock' for him to suddenly be a single parent himself. Anyway, it would be worth sitting down with him and discussing this.

Children are adaptable - yes of course they will miss you, but as long as Daddy is caring for them they will actually be fine and get used to the new situation very quickly!! It sounds harsh, but you will probably miss them far more than they miss you.

However, i do think 50/50 split is a bit too much time away from you. Why don't you see if you can compromise on 2 nights a week first, while they get used to be away from you and agree to reveiw the situation in 6 months and up the number of nights they stay with Dad (assuming he still wants them more!! )

Also - the practicalities of shared custody mean that living close to each other for nursery / school drop offs is important. Has your OH considered this?

Good luck!!

i doubt very much that hes considered anything other than looking like a doting father! i think if we say2 days a week he will probably quickly realise that its hard work and will back down!

i can honestly say that if he was a 'decent' father i would be more willing to agree, but i know they would be coming home having not been bathed for 3 days, eaten nothing but mc donalds for dd1 and milk for dd2, and stayed up til late every night! :mad:

TeetersOnHeels

Hi. Sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it. With the money side of stuf you might want to have a look at the Debt Free Wannabe's board. They'll ask you to post your incomings/outgoings and help you find ways to try and make ends meet.
I'm a single mum of a now teenage boy, who's dad lives in Oz, which brings a whole different set of problems! But I do agree with the poster who thought once your ex had had your girls on his own for a couple of days he'd soon realise that it can be quite hard work looking after little ones and holding down a job at the same time. I know how daunting the prospect might be, but I'd say let him have them overnight for a night or two, and make sure you do the things you would never have had time for - see friends, go out for a meal, pamper yourself, or even just a long relaxing soak in the bath - after all you deserve it!!!

belfastgirl23

Would it be worth thinking about family mediation in order to sort out custody issues? It might help you express in a constructive way your concerns about how your dh looks after the kids and might also help you to see where you might have to compromise on your standards and where your standards are reasonable.

It does worry me a bit that there is so much animosity between you and your husband. I think it makes it much harder to focus properly on the needs of the children. Not that you don't both have their best interests at heart but sometimes this can get muddied and it is difficult to see where you are justifying something because you want it and where it is really in their best interests. You might also be able to agree some kind of maintenance agreement to help with your £200 shortfall...

edited just to say that personally I think it's really good that your ex wants contact and custody - a lot of men walk away totally and don't look back, causing devastation for their children. Other men give up when it becomes too much of a battle but the end result for the children is the same. Your kids deserve better than this.

kittykitten

I know I'll sound awful and cynical for asking this, but does he ACTUALLY want 50/50 shared custody, or does he just see this as a way of getting out of paying you maintenance? He wouldn't be the first to initally try to insist on shared custody for this reason!

Mediation sounds like a good way for you to agree custody issues, but you might need to let him try having the children 50% of the time first to prove to him that it won't work. Unfortunately until he's tried and failed at looking after them in this way you'll have quite a hard time fighting against it, unless you can prove that it's simply not practical.

Jo_R_2

Hi

I've been in a similar situation when my ex left.

First things first: the money aspect you mentioned about not breaking even - is this with revised tax credits as a single claim or going on what you have received from a joint claim? You rfirst port of call in this case would be phoning tax credits asap (open 8am-8pm every day) and ending the joint claim and making a single one. I found this came through pretty quickly as a single claim - not sure if this is the case all the time but is certainly useful!

I'd also do what has been suggested about an Statement of Affairs (SOA), detailing all your incomings and outgoings. Some things will be very easy to spot straightaway that you can/will cut down on - for example the grocery bill can easily be cut with one less mouth to feed. Unfortunately for me my car eventually had to go, a real pain when you are so used to it but boy did it ease the strain on my pocket!

Also have you thought about child maintenance? Has ex-OH mentioned it at all? Contributing towards the costs for the girls will be a real help for you - as a starting point you could go on the CSA calculator at https://secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp and take it from there. I've only just started getting maintenance from my DDs' father after a year and a half and various excuses but he realised the figure we agreed would be a fair bit less than if I went through the CSA so on that basis I'm fairly certain from now on he'll be contributing.

As regards contact... If as you say he's not been as involved as he could have been, I suspect shared care might be more than he expected! I'd be positive about the fact he's keen, but be realistic with him. I had the same worry about my DD2, who was 8 months when my ex left, and we agreed he wouldn't have her overnight initially (because she was so young and also because she was bf and still night-feeding) but would revise it come her first birthday. DD1 did go to stay over and we started with an arrangement whereby he'd have them both all day Saturday every other weekend, bring DD2 back after teatime but keep DD1 to stay over til Sunday teatime. Would this be an option both of you might be interested in?

I know it feels hard but you need to let him do his share. Again, keep positive, put aside any personal disputes and keep in mind what will work best for him and for the girls, and what you think is best as well. I found what made things easier was to completely pretend me and him didn't have issues when talking about the girls, and speak like we were friendly acquaintances, if you like! Is hard at first, but again bear in mind the good intention is there on his part, so no matter how you feel inside, take it for what it is and talk and see what you can come up with.

Our arrangement has changed several times, and we've agreed every time to do it on a trial basis of, say, two months, to see how it works for everyone, then revise it after that. Saves making permanent arrangements that don't work out along the line.

You might also find that once he is spending more time with them he might be more concerned about things such as what they're eating and how often they're bathed. Sometimes when I was worried about certain things I'd give him a helping hand. Like I'd hand him a pack of snack raisins or fruit saying the girls were very fond of whatever snack it was at the moment, or pack a favourite bubble bath or bath toy in their bag, saying they wanted to bring it with them for when they had a bath, that sort of thing...

Also bear in mind being a single parent can be stressful and at times very tiring so having a break can be good for recharging the batteries, having a bit of 'you' time. He might just need to learn the ropes, frustrating as it sounds.

johnpaulpops

I'm divorced and it took a long time for me to get 50 / 50 access to my son, mainly because of the bitterness between us. We've been separated a number of years now and the arrangement works well, kids are very adaptable and this way he sees the best of both of us as he spends quality time with each parent. I'd recommend trying this as it will give you some time for yourself too and you might find your ex is a better father when you're not there, many men feel a little nervous about doing things wrong when their wife is around. Whatever you do, please don't use the children as pawns, this leads to heartache all round. I would recommend getting a routine cast in stone - agreeable to both of you - then everyone knows where they are and there's less chance of acrimony.

JP

tsstss7

Hi Hellies

Can't really comment on your financial worries other than to say check on entitled to that you are getting your full entitlement as a single parent.

I tend to agree with you about your LO's being away from you overnight and for long periods of time if Oh has not had a big input into the children to date - My LO was 3 when I became a single mum and I wanted ex to have every other wkend straight away from fri to sun (mainly because like you I NEVER had any help from him with childcare) and DS found the adjustment quite hard at first (and would come back crying etc as ex had made him overtired by not sticking to bedtimes etc) - however as ds got older access has increased and ex now sees ds 1 or 2 times a week alongside his regular fortnightly visit and extra in the hols and it works very well for us (and more importantly for ds).

I guess my advice would be to try and start with short but regular (and often) times that your ex sees the children and work up towards more access (or shared care if that is really what you/he wants). You don't have to agree to it straight away and if he does try and insist then fight your corner if that is what you think is best for the kids. Please don't feel the need to prove you are a good ex partner by allowing more access than you feel the kids are ready for - you can always increase it when it seems they are adjusting but you can't easily decrease it if they are not.

Mediation is a good idea and can really help to get things "tied down" in your own heads so to speak.

The most important thing is that access is predictable so the children know when it is coming next - most children aren't damaged by even monthly access (in cases for example where NRP live far way or abroad) just so long as they know that they are going to see their parent and can maintain a relationship in other ways (eg phone letter etc).

In your case since you work full time I would not agree to letting him have all of every weekend - you will find yourself the "child farmer" rushing around all week getting children to nursery etc while he gets all the quality/free time. If you agree to him having 3 days a week then try and make it during the week to maybe cross into a weekend eg thur to sat and then you both will get to take LO's out to swimming lessons/ see santa at christmas etc....