Doomed...i think.

baxgttdi

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! After being good for so long I could kick myself!!! I gambled , *%^%^$%^(%^%^( @ me (. So disappointed in myself, lost about £50, really anoyed if you can't tell, I feel like banging me headoff a wall

jamesd

Good reaction. So long as you keep on reacting that way you're making progress. Not straight line, but beats none.

TotallyBroke

You silly silly person.
What on earth compelled you to do that? Although I think the slot machine may have triggered something the other day. Especially as you won. Although you havn't have you because you've now lost. But I shouldn't need to explain this to you.

So you feel like hitting your head against a wall. Go on then do it... Hit it hard and then maybe the next time you decide to gamble you might remember the pain.


I'm sorry this post comes across as quite harsh. I apologise I think I have let my own hurt come across in a reply to your post. I'm so sorry.

baxgttdi

James - Thanks, I read that last night and it gave me a bit of perspective. Yes I slipped but that's just made me all the more determined not to do it again! If that's the only slip I have and it motivates me further then I can deal with what I've done. The other positive is that I stopped there and resisted any urge i had to go chasing money which is how it all begins so for that reason I see definite progress in myself . Time to pay some more off the loan I think!

TB - I'm more annoyed with myself than anyone. Like everyone else though, I'm here for support in one form of another with my problems same as I'm sure you are for yours. I openly take constructive criticism as I made a mistake, had a momentary lapse so to speak but I find your post neither supportive and constructive but simply a way for you to vent your anger about your own situation (which I have read, kept up with and have great sympathy for you about), but that isn't fair or helptful to either of us really is it?

GeorgeUK

What was the motivating factor?

How were you feeling just before it / what were you thinking about?
What was the purpose in doing this? Did you hope to achieve something, bored, or was it all those flashing lights that caught your attention?

baxgttdi

Hey George, I was trying to figure out what the motivating factor was myself last night, the only thing I can come up with is boredom since I was supposed to be going out and it got canceled but that jsut sounds a pitiful excuse.

Was feeling a bit blah actually just well dissapointed really that I had nothing on that night anymore but nothing majorly bad or anything. Was thinking about a women actually but nothing to do with where I was going or anything relating to that.

Err not sure about the purpose, I would have said money but I was feeling good about money wasn't looking for the old quick fix like I used to or anything it was more about playing cards than anything else, hard as it is to believe the money wasn't really a factor in my thinking which is different.

As above just boredom I think, but that's not a good enough excuse, anyways onward and upward hopefully .

I just replied to these questions off the cuff as I think that's how you get the most honest answers so if I've yabbered on that's why hehe.

TotallyBroke

baxgttdi wrote: »

TB - I'm more annoyed with myself than anyone. Like everyone else though, I'm here for support in one form of another with my problems same as I'm sure you are for yours. I openly take constructive criticism as I made a mistake, had a momentary lapse so to speak but I find your post neither supportive and constructive but simply a way for you to vent your anger about your own situation (which I have read, kept up with and have great sympathy for you about), but that isn't fair or helptful to either of us really is it?

And I have already apologised for my post coming across in that way. It was not meant to. It was not an angry post as I said my "hurt" may have come through I said nothing about anger as I am not angry any longer I am numb.

You have said that you are disappointed in yourself and would like to kick yourself and bang your head against a wall. That in itself hurts me. It hurts me to think that after you opening up to us, starting to make way and being so pleased with yourself that after a moment of madness your own moral has dropped so low.

Writing can be read and misinterpreted in many different ways. It is so much harder than the spoken word. If I had not written my apology I wonder if you would have interpreted my hurt in those words. When I first wrote it and sent it I had not. It was only reading it back that my own inner voice changed and I heard something different.

My original text was being constructive. I asked you what had triggered your lapse. I also gave you my observation that the win on the slot machine had given you a boost. I also commented that you knew deep down now that you had not really won.

When you first posted about your problem I told you to stop beating yourself up that you had hurt yourself enough. (I do not know how to quote from old posts while writing this one sorry). By me writing that I think you should hit your head. I mean that you need to still tell yourself off just not at the extent you were doing. So that another lapse does not happen to drop your moral even further. I think you even said something about complacency.

I apologise again. I did not mean to upset you in anyway.

GeorgeUK

Maybe as you were feeling good about having money, your defences were down - had an expensive lunch, you had money, you can do what you want.

I have found that although it was poker i played alot, i fell foul of the online slots and now i think any gambling is a danger as it will still trigger those parts of the brain that are addicted. Having the fruit machine win may have retriggered your subconcious into old patterns so you may be back to the beginning of this and may need to focus on avoiding poker and any other gambling situation.

You've not cancelled your membership to all the sites yet?

It's boredom i think that would be my downfall. I've tried to substitute it with computer games (the free onlines ones) and will need to find some other long term solution.

Time to take stock of the situation and climb back on the wagon. As long as you learned something from this hopefully it wasn't a total waste of money.