Teenager Wobbles

Lady_E

Well this is why I love this site so much - the diversity of subject topics .
I have updated my sister on all the views and advice and hopefully my nephew will be back on track . Merry Christmas everyone , have a safe one . x

scheming_gypsy

Lady E.
Sounds like your nephew is just a typical lad in the stages of growing up. I never had any idea what i wanted to do, not everybody does.
He probably wants to work in the skate park as that's what he's interested in at the minute. Sitting him down and talking things over won't do much good. No teenage lad is going to take advice from his parents. I didn't and none of my mates did and none of us are in prison, drug addicts etc we just enjoyed being young and took whichever turn took our fancy, some wouldn't impress our parents but we all made it out of the other end.
Just let him enjoy being young, he'll find which career choice he wants when the time is right but if it goes on too long then he'll need 'the talk' in a few years.

jazzyjustlaw

I would say let him get on with it. A while ago my daughter was a nightmare. Sneaking out at night (she was 15) not ambition, she tried drugs and was aggressive to me.

Now she is at drama school has a handsome boyfriend and is in a panto.

She is 16 now and she still tries to sleep all day and drinks a bit at night. She does come in on time though and she smokes - not in the home. She started to improve once I stopped giving her advice!!!

Bargain_Babe-a-Licious!

Hi Lady E
This is my first post on the site so I hope it materialises!

Here's how I deal with the teenagers:

When they do all of the things teens are notorious for (sulking, shuffling feet, smirking, grimaces, oversleeping, not handing in coursework on time, saying "I don't know" / "There's no point" to everything you say to them, going on benders at the weekend, playing computer game tournaments 'til 5am with kids in California etc etc etc)

I smile at them and say, "Wow, that's great! You are a teenager and it's your job to do all of these things right now. I'm impressed - you must be pretty smart." (smile)

At this point, they are usually confused as to why you are not lecturing them like everyone else and so are disarmed. Leave a space of silence until they talk. Offer them a drink/snack & act casual... if they are wearing THE essential piece of teenage (ignore everyone) kit - an mp3 player - ask them what they have on it... ask for a little listen (smile) don't look horrified even if you hate it!

If YOU focus on what exactly you want to achieve from your transaction with them, then it is easy. Remember that they are all masters at using distraction techniques so don't be affected by any of them.
Ask them about what they did for fun yesterday, be genuinely interested.

In order to get them to do anything productive, they need to be rewarded instsntly.
Think puppydog + good behaviour + quick treat = puppy repeats said behaviour to receive treat. Works a charm even on teens.
Teen treats examples are: tell them their favourite show is on tv tonight at 10.00, offer to drop them off in town, drop in a quick compliment about anything positive they have done, say something nice about a good thing one of their friends has done.
Don't ask too many questions, leave spaces in conversation so they can volunteer information at their own speed.
One of the best ways to motivate a teen is to offer them a reward they couldn't easily get for themseves in tandem with permission to go somewhere/do something you would normally nag about.
Example, in exchange for repeated good behaviours (getting up on time or tv etc. off by midnight every night or going to college every day on time) you find out when their favourite band has a gig, buy 2 tickets, provide a drop off & pick up service. Keep track of positive things on a chart so there's no dispute later.
Oh yes, stop grounding them... parents always crumble under the teenagers pressure to give in so it's only undermining your authority if you continue to do it.

Lastly, you are doing a fab job & asking for helpis to be admired.
Hope it helps someone

Here's to a positive New Year!

pdoff

i can't really advise as my boys are only 3 years, & 6 weeks old but just wanted to say it is never too late to go to college - if he drops out now & realises his mistake in a few years he can always enrol as a mature stdent or do an open uni course or something. the more u try to push him to do something the less he will want to do it.

Tondella

Hi Lady E, we went through all this with my little brother, still are really. He fought to get himself expelled from school and ended up voluntarily attending a support school for expelled pupils, never stuck at a job for more than two weeks, swore, punched walls, fought with mum, took drugs, stole from all of us, shouted. It was hellish living with him. We went to see a child psychologist but none of the family really enjoyed that so it got dropped. But as the years rolled by he started learning his lessons one by one. He's now been working for his step dad for five months, stil whistling on his way to work in the morning. He still takes drugs and smokes like a trouper, still spends his money in one weekend and then pesters mum for loans, but he is also learning some accountability, always pays his rent on time, and took pride in buying us some lovely christmas gifts this year. He's 20 now and the change has only happened in the last six months. This isn't much practical use but I consider his problems to be down to having had our dad die when he was 2. He really suffered for the lack of an older male figure and alot of improvement has been spurred on by his relationship with my OH, which is very good. I've also seen this happen with a friend's brother, whose mother and father are still together, he went for a gap year and found an older male friend whom he looked up to; that seemed to be the trigger for getting him to pull up his socks. Obviously you can't just conjure up someone like this but if you do see an opportunity for him to find a mentor then encourage it. Other than that it is simply a process of growing up (slowly!). I wish you all the best, I used to phone the samaritans when it got really bad, they were excellent at giving an outside perspective. Don't let it take over your sister's (and your sister's other children's) lives.

Thefunkygibbons

In 18 months, I will have 5 teenagers in total, so looking forward to that

My approach is to look for role models that the kids can talk to outside the family.

Good and bad, one of my younger brothers was evicted at 18 so it makes having the consequences conversation easier. Now, 5 years later he is cool uncle who can provide good advice on avoiding the worse mistakes

Pinky9

Loads of good advice and reassurance here - thank goodness for MSE!

My daughter was a nightmare - very intelligent - but couldn't be bothered at school, bad attitude, world owed her a living. Moved out (thankfully at the time) she had a job and moved in with her boyfriend at 18. They split - she came back home an emotional wreck - 6 months later they got back together and then she got pregnant - at 32 weeks - Christmas day 2004 he decided he wasn't ready for comittment so he left - never to be heard from again! Home again. I knew it would happen - but hoped it wouldn't and worried myself silly about what she was going to do and how she would survive with a young child when she was barely old enough to look after herself!

To cut a long story short, and there is a point to this story, I went with her when her son was born and we had several months where we had loads of time to talk about the future and what her best options would be. Obviously, having a baby at 19 and being on your own is not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, far from it you would think but for my daughter it was the best thing which could have happened. Suddenly, she is responsible! She is doing all she can to make sure that she is able to support her son and herself and at last making plans for their future. She is at college doing an access course which will give her 3 A levels by the end of the college year, and she's top of the class. She's going to university to do teacher training next year and my grandson is the most giving baby in the world. She now rents her own place with her son, all the bills are met, we are close and I look after my grandson whilst she is at college. All my fears for her and her future are now right at the back of my mind because this small person has turned her life around. Clearly this is not the path I recommend, but my point is something will happen in your nephew's life which will be a turning point from which he will mature and grow into the person he is going to be. All you can do in the long run is be supportive and understanding but also be firm with your boundaries.

good luck to your sister and your nephew,
very best wishes,
Pinky

lindadykes

My eldest daughter was a dream teenager, worked hard from the day she went to secondary school, all coursework in early, stayed on at 6th form for A levels and began a photography degree at uni last September - and thank goodness, because her younger sister who is 15 month younger became the child from hell as soon as she began secondary school. In primary school her teachers always said how lovely she was, and how they would love a class full of her. Almost from the begining of secondary school I recieved phone calls at work about incidents she was involved in, she was aggressive and prided herself on being the "hardest" girl in the school. At home she was no better. It didn't help matters that I am a teacher of special education needs, specialising in emotional and behavioural difficulties, and though I applied every trick and tactic I knew, they rarely worked. I continued to set firm and consistent boundaries, with clear consequences for when these were overstepped. She was frequently grounded, and soon learned that though moaning and shouting to be ungrounded worked for most of her friends, in her case poor behaviour NEVER resulted in the grounding being lifted, but could result in it being extended. I always told her I loved her, but it was the behaviour that I didn't like. As with most teenagers she would shout that it was her life and I had no right interfering. I took the tack that until she was 16, and had left school, she was unable to earn a living and therefore had no choice but to remain at home and put up with my rules. I promised that when she left school she could choose to do as she wished, including leaving home, but that if she chose to live at home there would be only a few rules, but they would be enforced. To cut a long story short, as the time for leaving school loomed closer, she became more confused about what she wanted to do, the only thing she knew was that she didn't want to continue studying. (Despite her attitude she had managed to gain 6 A-C GCSE's so there must have been a spark of common sense hidden somewhere) She had a part time job in the local fish shop bringing in about £35 per week, but I was adamant that the one thing she couldn't do and remain at home was to only work part time and doss around the rest of the time. She began to realise that though she had said she was leaving and getting a flat with friends, this would be impossible on £35 per week. It spurred her on to look for work. Connexions were useless, telling her there weren't any jobs out there for 16 year olds, but to her credit she applied for anthing and everything, eventually getting a job as a waitress in a diner 12 miles away. From that day her attitude changed, she has a super boss, but she has also proved to be an exceptionally hard and dedicated worker. One year on she is still working full time at the same place, but she also took the decision that she wants to become a chef, with the ultimate aim of owning her own business. With this in mind she attends college part time to do NVQ Level 2 Catering and is also doing a distance learning Business Management Course. She still lives at home, mainly as she has done her sums and realised if she lived in her own home there would be less money for clothes and going out. My rules are simple - let me know where she is going, and a time she will be home. If she is staying out let me know. When she is at home give a hand now and again with the washing up/cooking. Things are great now, we like similar music and will often go and see bands together, she has invited me out with her and her mates next month for her 18th "!!!!!! up" - I am now so proud of my once demon child. Sorry this post is so long, but I guess the message is hang in there - it does get better.

EMPTY_PURSE_5

Hi,

First time on this post but at my wits end and thought I had nowhere to turn.

Have a 'spawn of the devil' at home too, 15yr old daughter who has no respect for anyone or anything. have the 'Kevin & Perry' syndrome too. Room is a bomb site and every other room that she moves through ends up entirely the same.

She ran up 300 in total on fone bills - home fone £154.00 - partners old sim card (which she found and put in my old fone) £ 167.00 !!!!!

So now all mobile fone calls from land line barred. Spends approx 3 hours a day on msn - which means no homework, which she says that there is no homework as she does enough in school.

Appears home from school early most days with some excuse 'heating broke down' 'swimming pool flooded' etc etc. Sitting Gcse this year and I am frantic with worry.

She has a good relationship with my OH and he does get through to her for all of 24 hours then the behaviour starts again. There is so many things to mention.

But after reading all your views and I am so glad I am not alone and will try and ignore the aggressive behaviour and hope and pray that things will get get better cos at the mo going home after work is really getting me down.

Thanks everyone

millie xxxx