Redundancy & Ill MIL - Can we solve 2 problems at once?

fitzmum

Hi,

My husband has just learned that he is probably going to be made redundant.

My mum in law was diagnosed with Altzheimers disease this summer and at the moment still lives in her own home but is getting increasingly confused etc.

One of the options we have thought of is her selling her home - us paying off our mortgage with part of the proceeds and her living with us as my husband as a full time carer.

We would do this with the intention of her living out her days with us - she will have company (something she craves) and we will be happier knowing she is being looked after as we would want to avoid her going into a home if at all possible.

To be realistic though, we have heard that sometimes people with the disease get so bad that it is impossible to be cared for within a home environment and she would need specialist care.

What are the implications therefore of us using some of her money to pay our mortgage off? What about tax (it would be about 70k)? If she needed eventually to have care would we have to pay it back?

Any help is appreciated - thanks x

pukkamum

Not sure of the financial implications but as for the progression of the disease i have worked with the elderly in the past and i do know that many people with relatives they intended to look after at home do end up using residential care as it becomes extremely hard to have them at home.
Mainly this is because of the person becoming a danger to themselves as well as others, switching gas on wandering in the night leaving the house alone etc.

HTH x

ryandj

Good luck to your husband! I am not sure that I would fancy looking after my mother-in-law all the time. I wouldn't mind my own parents so much.

In fact, my dad nearly ended up having to care for his MIL but just found it too hard! Constantly repeating everything, confusion and so on! When it is your own family member, it is difficult not to get annoyed at them, carers are not so emotionally attached so it is easier for them I think.

Norma_Desmond

Pukkamum's right - until you have lived with a relative with dementia you cannot believe how difficult/impossible it is.
My darling Dad lived at home with Mum until earlier this year until it became such a nightmare (even with all the help we were getting from SS etc.) that he had to go into a nursing home as he was a danger to himself and Mum.
Not everyone's illness follows the same path but my Dad went from a highly intelligent, gentle man to a confused, sometimes aggressive chap who rarely slept at night, accused neighbours of theft and assault, became doubly incontinent, lost the use of his legs, became highly agitated because we 'weren't helping him', and basically thought that there was nothing wrong.
When he went into care my poor mother was at screaming point through loss of sleep.
His nursing home is as wonderful as any EMI place can be but he still wants to go home even though he hated it there towards 'the end'.
Good luck whatever you decide - it's a sickening illness which almost makes you grieve early.

fitzmum

Thanks for your replies so far. It my husbands mother who is ill - my mum in law.

FairyElephant_2

Norma, I SOO know where you are coming from!
My dad is still at home with my mum caring for him, but I don't know how much longer the situation can continue as, although I help as much as I can, she is pretty much at the end of her tecther with him. His symptoms sound very much like your dad's.
I know what you mean about the grieving - I sometimes feel that I have lost my dad already, and some stranger has been put in his place. It is heartbreaking.

Fitzmum - my sympathies to you, and bless you for considering taking on your MIL's care.
I also don't know the financial implications in your case. We have been told that if my dad needs to go into a home then we will have to pay for it, as mum&dad own their own home jointly. It seems very unfair, and I don't know what we will do as my mum obviously doesn't want to sell up and move (it is a very small 2-bed house, so not like she has loads of spare space!).

Good luck, whatever you decide.

FE

Mojisola

FairyElephant wrote: »

We have been told that if my dad needs to go into a home then we will have to pay for it, as mum&dad own their own home jointly. It seems very unfair, and I don't know what we will do as my mum obviously doesn't want to sell up and move (it is a very small 2-bed house, so not like she has loads of spare space!).

If your parents are together when he has to go into care, they will not have to sell the house to pay for it. If they have savings, those may have to be used but while your Mum is living in the house, it will not be counted.

Fitzmum - if your M-i-l has only just been diagnosed, she may have a good while before she needs professional care so don't dismiss the idea. My Mum was diagnosed four years ago and is still living at home with Dad - with daily support - and we're managing. I won't say that it's always easy and your OH will need to have endless patience but it's possible. It would be important to stay realistic about the situation and be ready to admit that things are getting too much for either of you. Keep Social Services onboard - you should be able to get respite care occasionally and your OH should have a carer's assessment done.

Your OH may find Oliver James' book "Contented Dementia" worth a read. I suggest talking to your local Alzheimer's Society to get a real picture of what may be involved.

I don't know about the financial side of things - it may depend on how long your M-i-l lives with you before she needs to go into a home and there's no way of knowing that. Could you do as you have suggested and pay off your mortgage but continue putting some money away every month into a savings account as a back-up?