Well I've Finally Told OH Its Over So Now What???

loobylou2

Hi everyone, hope some of you lovely people out there will be able to give me some advice on what to do now.

I've been with my partner for 13 years now and we have 3 lovely children aged 11,9 and 3. We are not married and we live in a council house. The tenancy agreement for which is in my name. I've always paid all the bills, furnished the property, bought food and clothes for the kids etc. He's 72 and I'm 40 so theres a big age gap there and I've always worked rather than live on benefits. Obviously because of his age he dosen't and to be honest he only worked at the start of our relationship.

To cut a long story short the relationship is over. We've been having problems for months, if not years and I"m sick of living with a bully. He dosen't just bully me but the kids as well particularly our 9 year old and I"ve literally had enough of all the fights and arguing. He's become impossible to live with!!!! The final straw was this morning when I was getting ready to go to work ( overtime!!!) and realised that he was intending to take the 3 year old out for the day while leaving the older 2 children at home on their own whilst I was at work. Needless to say I haven't gone into work but I did tell him that I thought he should find himself somewhere else to live or that he could have the house and contents and I would move out and take the
children with me as we were wanting to move anyway. The thing is what happens now and what do I do next??? I'm scared he could take the children and haven't a clue what to do about benefits/work etc. At the moment while I'm working he takes the older 2 to school and picks them up in the afternoon but |I pay for the 3 year old to go to nursery. I don't really want to stop working but suspect he's going to try and make things as difficult for us as he can because he's not the easiest person in the world at the best of times. Any help/advice on what I should do now would be much appreciated.

inamess200

I can't help you but wanted to say hi as I am ina simial situation - I have been married for 14 years togetther for 19 have 3 children of similar ages up to 3 years ago we shared bills but his back went and he has not worked ofr 3 years so I work 2 jobs pay all bills, all children related stuff do all shopping etc in return he looked after our 3 yearold to save nursery fees. There is alchol involved and we split 3 years ago and we now live in a rented house thatis in my name. I look at him and do not know what he has turned into he lies, subs money from me never to be seen again (normally food shopping money making us short) but always has enough for his fags and beer!! He was on benefit for a while and I never saw any of that and then he tried working in the summer managed 5 weeks since then he has lied about how much hes been earning ( now seen bank account) going to hospital ( told me consultant said he couldn't wrk have now found out he never went!!)

I want him out as the arguements are too much for me and kids he openly says he doesn't care what I think of him and at the moment I he repulses me the stuff he says etc. I told him to go and all he says is he is taking our 3 yearold with him. Now he is great with him but thinks its normal to take him to the pub everyafternoon. I have now paid for 5 sessions at nursery so someone else is looking after him while I am at work. He openly admits he doesn't want our girls (how unfair is that!!) and views our son like a possesion I really don;t know what what to do for the best but know he has to go!!

loobylou2

Thanks Inamess200, its comforting to know that I'm not on my own. Have just had enough of OH's behaviour and bullying. He favours our 3 year old girl over the 9 year old girl and 11 year old boy even though he didn't want me to go through with any of the pregnancies in the first place and I just honestly think we'd be better off going our separate ways even though I know its going to be really hard being a single mum with 3 children. I can't live with him anymore he's just so difficult, even his own sister said the last time we saw her which was 10 years ago that she thought he was so difficult she didn't know how I managed to tolerate living with him!!!! I just don't know what to do now though, I guess getting some legal advice and sorting out childcare will probably be the first step as I don't really want to go down the single mum on benefits route if I can manage to avoid it particularly because I've worked so hard to support us all for so many years. I'm just scared though.

Lizard_Lady

Hi loobylou, to be honest with you, with his age i dont think hed have a chance in hell of taking the kids, i think age is on your side on this one. i would try and talk to the council and ask them if they could rehouse him into sheltered accomidation. also have a chat with Relate, they can give you advice on where to go from here, and theyre really helpfull with relationships and stuff. to be perfectly honest with you, i think you would cope a hell of alot easier on your own then with a bullying partner, when your on your own and hes moved out or youve moved out you would just cope a lot easier as you wouldnt be as stressed. the key to being a single mum is routin, if you know what your doing and when everyday and the kids know aswell everything will fall into place.
i hope everything works out for you xxxxx

Baybee1984

Firstly, well done for taking the first step loobylou2, Ive recently split with my OH too, and know how hard it is to break free when you've been together for so long and have a family.

But you have done the right thing, for all of you!! Its time to start concentrating on YOU and the children. Thats what Im trying to do right now.

Ill try help you out with as much as I can, but Im sure others will be along with good advice soon!
You say the tenancy agreement is in your name, so were you living as a single parent anyway? So you dont need to change anything there..
If you are worried he may take the children you are best off getting some legal advice, am I right in thinking single parents can get this for free?! If not, advice from a CAB is a good start to get advice in general.

You dont have to go thru the 'single mum on benefits' route, you can still work. You say your 3 year old is in Nursery? And you can [or already do?!] get help with childcare fees for that. Obv Im not sure what times you work, but is there anyone that can pick the kids up from school/nursery if you're still at work?

paddy's_mum

I suspect that it is his age that is at the root of the problem. My hubby is ten or so years older than me at 70, and I have noticed that he is gradually developing and exhibiting grumpy old man syndrome!

He is a very affectionate step-grandpa to my grandsons and would fight like a tiger if anyone threatened them in any way but he does find their childish antics very trying. Quite simply, he is getting too old to happily tolerate their noise and careering about as he once used to - he was a Scout Master for thirty years but ruefully says he couldn't begin to do that again now.

If my tolerant and kind hubby finds two normal and lively young boys a bit of a handful when he sees them for only a few hours twice a week, it must be very hard indeed for your partner to be with three of them at all times.

That is quite some age gap and it may also be that you are not the same person that you once were since we all grow older and more mature - the things we enjoyed at 20 are not the things we choose to do at 30 and by 45, your views and aspirations will have changed yet again. A very difficult situation and I find myself feeling sad for both of you. Would a call to the welfare/advice section of your local council be a good first step in finding out what you can and cannot do, and a way to find out what the next step could be?

loobylou2

I just wanted to say thank you for all the help and advice I've had so far. I think its true that the age thing is an issue here and we are not the same people that we were 13 years ago. We've both changed a great deal, I have a lot more confidence than I used to have for one thing. Just feel very, very sad about the situation though. I didn't want to end up like this and I still care a great deal for my OH. Just can't live with him anymore because of how he's behaving. I'm tired of being bullied and think I need to do something about it now because he either can't or won't change and I've had enough of it.

Lara44

Hey Loobylou, perhaps moving out will give you the space that you both need to continue the relationship in some form, even if it's a strong friendship. Perhaps with a bit of distance your OH will not take you for granted, and miss and respect you. I think there's loads of ways of having relationships, and you might find you can have a more fulfilling one with your OH with you both live separately? Good luck with your decisions x