What would you do?

Tracymae

Ok here is the situation....I have a 11 yr old daughter and since her dad left when she was 4 months old, getting maintainance has been a real battle. Whenever the CSA caught up with him he just gave up his job. He has been living the life of reilly, my daughter has been coming home saying 'Daddy has a new plasma tv, daddy has a new car, daddy just bought a big house' etc. Eventually last year after failing to set up a DD for his monthly payments, the csa were going to come down on him like a ton of bricks...so he voluntarily set up a DEO. The problem is the arrears, last year he put pressure on me to set up a private arrangement because they wanted to take too much off him with the arrears payments. I didn't want to do this as I know for a fact he will just cancel the arrangement a.s.a.p and it could be another 10 years of gettting the csa to chase him. So instead I spoke to the csa and told them the situation and asked them to reduce the arrear payments for him- which they did.

Obviously the arrears havent reduced much, he has been paying £121.87 monthly and this includes £45 arrears payment. I got a new schedule in today and they want him to pay £300 a month - £227 of it arrears. :eek:
He is going to have a hairy fit...pregnant wife, credit crunch and a mortgage, I know they just can't manage this amount and he is going to ask the same thing again...ditch the CSA and make a private arrangement.
Sooo what would you do?
It is his own fault he has arrears, and they are no where near the amount they should be (I think the CSA have only included about 2 years of non payment and not the whole 11).....if I go private I am 90% certain he will default on it....if I don't they could lose their home

Is there any middle ground? Ask the CSA to reduce the arrears again? They seem to be pretty strict about them wanting the arrears paid off within 2 years and it was only by begging and pleading with them that they did it the last time.

N71

Tracymae wrote: »

Ok here is the situation....I have a 11 yr old daughter and since her dad left when she was 4 months old, getting maintainance has been a real battle. Whenever the CSA caught up with him he just gave up his job. He has been living the life of reilly, my daughter has been coming home saying 'Daddy has a new plasma tv, daddy has a new car, daddy just bought a big house' etc. Eventually last year after failing to set up a DD for his monthly payments, the csa were going to come down on him like a ton of bricks...so he voluntarily set up a DEO. The problem is the arrears, last year he put pressure on me to set up a private arrangement because they wanted to take too much off him with the arrears payments. I didn't want to do this as I know for a fact he will just cancel the arrangement a.s.a.p and it could be another 10 years of gettting the csa to chase him. So instead I spoke to the csa and told them the situation and asked them to reduce the arrear payments for him- which they did.

Obviously the arrears havent reduced much, he has been paying £121.87 monthly and this includes £45 arrears payment. I got a new schedule in today and they want him to pay £300 a month - £227 of it arrears. :eek:
He is going to have a hairy fit...pregnant wife, credit crunch and a mortgage, I know they just can't manage this amount and he is going to ask the same thing again...ditch the CSA and make a private arrangement.
Sooo what would you do?
It is his own fault he has arrears, and they are no where near the amount they should be (I think the CSA have only included about 2 years of non payment and not the whole 11).....if I go private I am 90% certain he will default on it....if I don't they could lose their home

Is there any middle ground? Ask the CSA to reduce the arrears again? They seem to be pretty strict about them wanting the arrears paid off within 2 years and it was only by begging and pleading with them that they did it the last time.

Its a really difficult situation - i was in a similar one with my ex last year. The amount they were going to DEO him was enough to make him say he'd leave his job, which he's done several times before. So, I asked CSA to put arrears on hold and made a private arrangement for the regular maintenance = this lasted for about 4 weeks!!!

We're now back at the stage of them DEO'ing him again, and i know he will leave his job so i'll get nothing - so what do we do???

You mention your ex's new wife is pregnant, so his assessment will go down a little when this baby is born - but that won't help much.

CSA are very keen to get arrears paid off within two years at the moment. And there is a limit to the amount they can take from his wages. They have to leave him with the amount 'the government' say he needs to live on.

It is his own stupid fault he's got arrears - but that doesn't help if he loses his home and job - then you and your daughter get nothing.

Maybe someone else could give us both some suggestions.

kelloggs36

He made his bed, let him lie in it. Just my thoughts, with vast experience of a non-compliant ex,

Loopy_Girl

Tracymae wrote: »

if I don't they could lose their home

Poor Daddy....NOT. Maybe Daddy could sell his massive plasma telly and whatever else he has to pay his CSA bill then:T


Now I know I am going to get flamed (again!!) by NRP's and NRPP's and yes, Daddy does have a life but he clearly had no thought to his responsibilites to his daughter when he shackled a huge mortgage round his neck and got his wife knocked up with is next child.

Maybe if he has to struggle then he may get a taste of what it has been like for you for the past 11 years.:mad:

Sorry but if it was me then I would let the DoE go ahead. If he has been assessed to pay that amount then he must be on a reasonable wage.

How long are you going to pander to him? I'm sorry of I sound harsh but it seems he has moved on with his life and the children in both your cases seem to be an afterthought in their plans.
THOSE children came first and people can live quite comfortable without huge houses and plasmas and state of the art god knows what.

Just my thought ladies;)

Tracymae

Thanks for replying everyone, N71 it's soo hard isn't it....Loopy and kelloggs part of me wants to say stuff him, his situation is his own doing and I am well within my rights just to let the CSA get on with it. I know he never once considered how I was doing financially when he decided not to pay his dues. On the other hand rightly or wrongly I would feel guilty if he went under and his house was repossessed. Plus I don't want him taking it out on my daughter, he has had regular contact the whole time, worse case senario but he could decide he is in a corner and the only way out is to move and cut off all contact with her til she is 16. I do consider her first and foremost and to me, her relationship with her father is far more important than money.
He already has a son with his new wife so gets a reduction, the new baby is due just before christmas ....having had a baby myself I know how tight things get when you are on materity leave with reduced pay. The 'good' thing from my point of view is because he now has a mortgage he can't just up and leave his job any more, after all this time I have had payments on an almost regular basis. (CSA payments since April).

Hopefully someone else does know a way to have a happy compromise, I want regular payments but not at the expense of his new family! He is due to pick up my daughter tomorrow and I am dreading what he is going to say.
Why can't the CSA let him continue to pay it back at a reasonable amount, it seems so silly to force unreasonable pressure on the NRP when all that will happen is the child will eventually lose out one way or another.

Loopy_Girl

Tracymae wrote: »

worse case senario but he could decide he is in a corner and the only way out is to move and cut off all contact with her til she is 16.

Which is probably what he has hinted at in the past I am guessing...so he puts pressure on you is untrustworthy and potentially could use your daughter as a weapon...your choice Tracy but I know my feelings on it.

Of course the other option is to close the file completely (unless any arrears are due to SoS), and set up a private arrangement. But he wouldn't stick to that would he? So basically he has got you dancing to his tune deciding how much he should pay for his daughter but has meanwhile managed to set himslef up nice and comfortable with a new child and another on the way.....

tamsin1982

hmm how about letting him pay you through csa and then you giving him some of it back once it clears in your bank?
tell him csa wont let you reduce it again and he'l think your bein reasonable - which you are being more than!!

mainly tho you need to think about how much you and your family need, dont worry about his too much. I think you may be too nice for your own good :rolleyes:

kelloggs36

You said it yourself - he hasn't given you or your child a single thought so why on Earth do you feel responsible for HIS choices? HE chose to get a large mortgage - it wasn't essential - I'm sure he could have bought a smaller house. HE chose to have another child with somebody else- meaning he should have factored his EXISTING responsibilities in first, not add them as an afterthought. If he is blackmailing you into not having contact with his daughter, then it says a lot about his priorities doesn't it? Don't fall for it. Tell him it is out of your hands now. It isn't your daughter's fault is it?

csa_monitor

Tracymae, I think it is commendable that you are showing empathy towards the NRP (even though he did not afford you the same courtesy). However, your main concern is to ensure that regular maintenance payment continue in the long term.

Do NOT enter into a private agreement with him - he has to prove his consistency first and I would say he would need to pay what is required for at least 2 years to prove that.

INSTEAD, if the arrears are owed to you and not the Secretary of State then you can contact the CSA (email them) and tell them that you are happy with the old arrears repayment schedule. They will take on board your wishes. Line Managers in the CSA dept repayment teams do have the power to negotiate lower repayments, especially if higher repayments will cause hardship to children - financial and emotional hardship for your/his child as well as his new baby and child with new partner.

Now, based on his past behaviour, does the NRP deserve you showing him mercy? No. But you are not doing it for him, you are doing it for your child ie to make sure that you continue to get regular payments going forward.

Oh if the money is owed to the Secretary of State, you can't do a thing to help him..as even if you have a private arrangement they will hound him for the arrears. And if they do that, then he will default on any private arrangement you have with him.

Good luck

Tracymae

Tasmin that is a good idea...but it means he gets let off with the arrears. I might be nice but I do feel he is responsible for the arrears and should pay them...just not at a rate that will cause real trouble for him. It might end up being my only option though!

Kelloggs he hasn't used blackmail like that before...the closest he got was saying he couldn't pick her up any more because he couldn't afford the petrol....so for a while I dropped her off and picked her up. I was just trying to think of the worse case senario of how he could try and get out of it.

You are right, he did choose to buy a far bigger house than he needed and I shouldn't feel responsible for his choices. Lately my daughter has been saying how her dad is looking for a new job, probably so he can get out of the existing payments, I very much doubt he would pass on his employers details as he never has in the past.

On a seperate issue, does anyone know if the new payments will come off the DEO or if that has now been cancelled and they are trying to set up a new one?? I assume the letter I got was the standard annual review type thing....I guess I should really give them a call and find out.

I guess I should stop being such a softie...if I had a debt of £1500 for say council tax and they wanted it back at a silly amount then I would try and take out a loan for a longer period to make it more affordable. Lets face it £1500 is a bargain for almost 12 years of non payment and the arrears really should be much higher.

Opps I crossed posted with you CSA monitor, thank you for your post it is good to know the CSA will negotiate lower payments. As far as I am aware all arrears are due to myself and not the SoS, I was on benefits originally (on the old csa system but for some reason the csa dropped the case against him and I didn't persue it) but when my daughter turned 2 I got a part time job when she went to stay at her dads at the weekend and have either worked/studied since then.

Opps got to run!

rach28

Hi i agree with tamsin as this is what i have done. My ex came saying he couldnt afford what the csa wanted and that he would just give up his house and job. I felt guilty and didnt want anymore kids to suffer as its not there fault. So i came to a agreement with my ex he pays through deo and when it clears my account i give him some back. He got peeved at first as he gets paid weekly and his company take out maintenance weekly, but his company then pay csa monthly. But i told him im not giving him what i dont have and that im compromising with him, he now exepts it because hes atleast not paying the full wack the csa wants him to. So every month i contact him and he comes to mine and collects the cash.