Helping BIL through marriage breakdown

plane_boy2000

Hello,

Havent posted for ages as I have been so busy, but need some advice to help my BIL.

He came home from work on Monday to have his wife anounce to him that their marriage was over and she wanted him to move out. They have two kids and bought a house together last year - everything appeard to be fine, and he really did not see this coming. She claims no one else involved, just that she hasnt been happy for a bit.

He has little in the way of a support network - his parents (my in laws) are overseas at the moment, and when he told them their first consideration was getting back the 10K they lent him as a deposit to buy the house last year, and not his imediate emotional well being. My partner and I suspected that this may have been their reaction.

He is prety unstable at the moment and has nowhere to stay (he has left the family home at his wifes request). The last couple of nights he has slepped in a B & B but has no money, and is reluctant to stay with us as he dosent want to be a burden and says he would prefer to be on his own.

From a practical side of things we are trying to help him as much as we can, but not having been through anything like this I dont know what he can and cant do. Situation is that they were just covering the bills etc together so he has no income left to house himself. House bought last year on a sub prime mortgage is now worth £30K less than paid plus they have a massive 22K early repayment charge so selling (if they could) is not likely to be an option. They have no equity in the property as both sets of parents lent money to form the deposit.

Currently she is just burying her head in the sand and will not discuss the future (and I think plans to stay in the house with BIL paying half bills etc) so I want to try and help my BIL by getting him up to speed with his rights, and having some idea about what to do with the house etc.

If anybody has been through anything like this and could offer some practical advice I would be really greatful.

glenstan

Forget that he is your brother in law at the moment and treat him as a friend, what would you do for a friend in this situation? The point that you make about him being unstable, suggests to me that he needs a listening ear,do not expect to have the answers, its not your relationship. you don,t have too and should not take sides. If you offer somewhere for him, to, come to eat , be comfortable,whilst being silent if he needs. You will find he will have time, in a supported enviroment, to come to terms with what he needs to do to go forward . I had a similar situation a couple of years ago with my brother who has 2 children. I fed him, listened to him over and over again, did not take sides for the sake of their children, allowed him time in my home, to be still and get himself together . I am very pleased to say he has moved on , his ex, his children, and their new partners all get on very well and are happy.
Personally think so early in the breakup neither has had time to come to terms with the fact they have actually broken up, the finacial facts will probably kick in about this time next week, Then begins round 2.

plane_boy2000

Thanks glenstan - I am trying to do the things you suggested, but he is not being very receptive to anything at the moment which is stressing my partner out as she is worried about him and would like him to stay with us for a bit. His parents are not really being at all supportive (they never really liked her) and he has a limited support network of a couple of friends who have let him sleep on their floor and us.
Its difficult for me looking in from the outside, but I cant believe how cold she is being knowing that he has no money and nowhere to stay. As he said to me, on Monday morning he was happy, wife, two sons and a nice house, by the evening it was all gone. I have tried suggesting to him that he is a bit firmer with her, but he dosent really stand up for himself and is petrified that if he dosent do what she wants then she will stop him seeing the children and be more difficult that she already is.

pinkshoes

Given he has no money, I would tell him to move back into the house, as it's his home as well as hers. She can't just decide out of the blue that it's over, just because she's been unhappy for a while, and demand that he moves out. Did she not think to mention this to him, and consider councilling??

I would take your BIL out for a beer, and help him work out the finance stuff, and that both him and his wife will have to take out a loan to pay off the loan owing on the house when sold, along with an extra £5k each to pay off his parents who put in the £10k deposit.

He should get the house valued immediately, and get it straight on the market. He needs to ignore the emotional stuff at the moment and deal with it practically first, starting with talking to his wife. If she's going to drop such a bombshell, she should help deal with the consequences. She's probably thinking she can stay in the house with the kids, but if he doesn't have enough money to then pay for his own accomodation as well as the mortgage, this isn't going to be an option.

Paparika

As pinkshoes has said, he needs to get back in the home, she has no rights to demand he leaves if he owns or half owns the property, i'd say if she isnt happy she can shove off.

Primrose

I would certainly recommend that your BIL does not move out of his house. If he does that he is on the first steps to destitution. He has a perfect right to be there and if he moves out, she could claim that he has voluntarily deserted her. I think he also needs to sit down with his wife and seriously acquaint her with the financial realities of what she is proposing to do. Your BIL is probably emotionally devastated at the moment and not thinking very clearly so you will have to help him stand his ground and not allow him to be trampled on. If he has little family support and emotional network to rely on he really MUST keep the roof over his head until he can work out what steps to take next. Moving back in and standing his ground is 100% essential if he has nowhere else to go and no money to fund alternative accommodation. If his wife doesn't like it, she will just have to lump it.

plane_boy2000

Thanks for all the positive comments and advice.

Today he has been to visit the CAB - they said the best thing to do is stop paying the mortgage and declare himself bankrupt. Dont fully understand how this helps, but they could rent a house each for what they are paying in mortgage payments. This way he would still be able to support his children and have somewhere to live himself.

I agree 100% about standing his ground, but he is very reluctant to as he is scared stiff that she my make access awkward (at the moment he is seeing them most days, picking up from school etc). I think he should move back in even if only until he gets sorted but he is not keen. Fortunatly his gran has given him a key to her house and said he can stay

He is trying to have a discussion with her tonight about what to do with the house etc, but she will only discuss anything with her parents there so I have decided to go along (with his agreement) to give him some support and mediate. He is still quite young (24) so needs some support and guidance. I have no axe to grind with her, and understand that relationships fail so hope I will be able to keep a level head over this. Hopefully him saying that he may stop paying the mortgage may focus her a little!!!!