Stepfamily help! (Its a long one, sorry!)

WORRIEDMUM_3

I hope no one minds - i've made a new identity for this post. I'm a MSE addict but didn't want MSE friends to recognise me!

I wanted some advice really, on people who are successfully living with a stepfamily - there are an awful lot of us out there and someone must have experienced something similar.

The problem at the moment is DD (8). She seems so sad and its upsetting me. I tried to have a big talk to her last night, but she just cried and wouldn't tell me what the problem was.

I'm not sure which of the following is relevant to my situation now, but i think a bit (big bit) of background might help.

I'll start with the basics;

I'm 35 have two children, DS 10 and DD 8. There are to my ex partner who i was with for 12 years. We split just before DD was 1, DS was 3.

I was single for approx. 3 years, when I met OH. We've been together almost 5 years now. We did everything 'right' at the start, so he didn't meet kids for the first year, and he moved in with us after 2 1/2 years.

OH has no other children - but we're expecting our first in November/December.

The split with ex was very difficult - ending in violence and prison for him - but luckily I think children (particularly DD) were too young to remember any of this.

Ex has now calmed down, but hasn't been and I don't think he ever will be much of a dad to them. He gets in contact when he can be bothered. This year DD has seen him a handful of times, staying over twice in the summer holidays.
He's seen DS but hasn't had him stay over. DS is disabled and Ex has never been able to cope with this.

I've told him from the start that his contact with the children has to be constant and regular but this doesn't seem to have sunk in.

I've often thought life would be easier if he'd just !!!!!! off for good, but i'd never stop him seeing his children - and i always have the hope that one day he might grow up and be responsible!!

I find that the children settle, behaviour is better etc when he's doing his disappearing act. Then he reappears, sees the kids, then I get left to pick up the pieces til he's bored enough to contact them again.

Anyway, the problems with DD.

She is being really cheeky both to me and OH, but particularly horrid to OH.
She's shouted the classics 'you're not my dad', 'you cant tell me what to do', 'you're the meanest mum ever', 'i'm going to live with my dad'. etc etc. The sun is shining out of dads backside at the moment - although last contact was sometime in August.

Someone suggested she may be worried about the new baby coming along. I've kept her involved, and she knows she's going to be a wonderful big sister and she'll always be my special big girl etc etc. She seems to be happy and excited and she's always wanted a baby brother or sister so i don't know if thats the problem.

We heard her talking to a friend about OH saying 'he's not my dad, i wish he didn't live here, i wish he lived in the garden'.

Admittedly, OH has no experience with kids - he has none so he's at a loss what to do, and i've got no idea what to suggest.

Help anyone?

love_lifer

sounds like youre having a tough time and theres possibly a few things going on at once for your daughter. ive had some experience of step parenting and kids seem to always want parents reunited, whatever the situation. its hard to handle.

parentlineplus have an excellent website and a free helpline. they have stuff about stepfamilies which you and your partner might find helpful

PetuliaGristle

Hi WorriedMum, I agree that there is a lot for your dd to take in right now and she is probably just feeling insecure. Her dad isn't helping by being unreliable. I'm not so sure about her wanting you and ex-h to get back together though(!) As a stepmum I recommend not to worry too much, give her a bit of time and a lot of affection and I'm sure she'll feel a lot happier.

WORRIEDMUM_3

Thanks for your answers - i'll have a look at parentline plus.

I thought about her wanting mum & dad back together - but as we split when she was about 10 months old, i don't think she has any memory of us actually being together!

webitha

has your OH ever had a "date" with your kids one on one, so that they can bond, thats what mine did and now they prefer him (good leaves me in peace lol),

ask your OH to take your DD out for the day, ice skating, cinema, she chooses, so they can find themselves iyswim???? that way they can bond without you being there interfering lol

WORRIEDMUM_3

Thanks Webitha - that was one of my ideas. But i do worry a bit that she'll be a nightmare for him wherever they go, and he'll strangle her!! Although i know she'll probably be a little angel as she always is for other people if i'm not there!!!

He gets on great with DS - but DS enjoys mens company better, anyone who tickles and toy fights him is a friend!!

pukkamum

I know when i was little probably around your dd age i went through a stage of hating my stepdad and putting my real dad on a pedestal (my real dad was also mostly absent from my life he lived in the US but would send long letters telling me how much he loved me etc).
This made me think that he was the only one who truly loved me and he would come and 'rescue me' from homelife.

Of course this wasn't true!!!

These letters only added to my angst and made relations with my stepdad difficult. Funnily enough this also coincided with my mum being pregnant with stepdad's baby.

I became convinced that once the baby was born my stepdad would no longer need or love me as he would have his 'own' child to love.

It could be the same with your ds, is she pushing your dh away in order to save her any pain she thinks may come if he rejects her when the baby is born?

Could your dh talk to her and reassure her that he will continue to love her even when the baby comes?

It had a profound effect on me and my stepdads relationship even to the point that when i ended up in hospital for three weeks just after my sister was born i refused to allow him to come and visit.
This may not be the case but i hope it may help. xx

WORRIEDMUM_3

Thanks pukkamum.

I also gained a stepdad when i was 10 and was awful to him - but to be honest he was a to$$er then and still is now, although i tolerate him for the sake of my mum.

I thinks this is part of why I am so worried for my little girl now - I was an absolutely miserable child and left home at the first opportunity (who happened to be ex!). I just want my kids to have a happy childhood and be happy adults.

Don't get me wrong, my OH doesn't compare with my step dad. He really showed absolutely no interest in me, treats my mum like a doormat and to top it is an alcoholic!! At least OH tries!!

I didn't know my dad at all, til i got a letter from him when I was 26 - so I used to imagine he was this wonderful person with a fab life and fab job that kept him busy and away from me!!

At least my DD having some (albeit crap) contact with her dad, she'll one day be old enough to come to her own conclusion about him and she won't be dreaming of this wonderful fantasy figure.

nickyhutch

Try the stepparenting board on https://www.ivillage.co.uk too. Lots of advice nd support on there.