Depressed and in debt

youngandreckless

Hi Shefmot,

Have you considered seeing a counsellor by yourself first? It seems as though even the most upbeat person in the world would have a hard time coping with what you're going through and some support and a fresh perspective may help?
Also if you do see someone and your wife sees the effort you're making and hopefully a change in your outlook, perhaps she will follow your lead? If she knows that you're doing it for both your sakes, then it may be the first step to appreciating eachother again and a fresh start.
It may also be helpful to speak to Citizens advice as they can advise on the debt and help with how you stand legally and practically should you and your wife separate.
I really hope that things improve and if you post your debt stuff on here lots of people will help and we'll also listen if you need to say other stuff too x

pruney

Hi
Just wanted to say I hope you and your wife can work things out. My husband and I have been through similar troubles in the past few years. I got depressed, then after 2 years of suffering when I was finally getting better, my husband got depressed too. Unfortunately whilst my outlet was eating, his was spending and so the debt didn't help us (but thankfully payplan did!). Since then it seems to have been a vicious circle as my husbands recovery hasn't been as successful as mine was but hopefully, this time we've turned a corner (4th relapse time lucky!). We too were trying to conceive but having no luck for over a year and now we've decided that we are both just starting to enjoy our lives after so much misery that if we don't have kids, we're not bothered. I doubt we ever will have them but we've come through a lot and we have two beautiful doggies which are more than enough for us.
I would approach your wife about the counselling again. I appreciate that you don't want to drive her further away but you need to start communicating with each other as you're not doing that at the moment. We went to relate early on in our marriage when we seperated for a while and my husband got nothing out of it and hated it. He's now gone on his own to two different counsellors (his choice) and it's helped him. Just because it didn't work for her before doesn't mean it can't now.
Marriage is hard but then so is life. Maybe you do need to just forget about all those pressures you listed and concentrate on the two of you and what you want, what you enjoy together.
And just remember what Will Smith says in the film Hitch - Love can be misery (he didn't say that exactly but I've only seen the film once and thought it rang oh so true!) and it can be but it can also be wonderful. Don't let depression ruin your life and your marriage. And don't give up, things may seem bad now whilst you're together but they could be a damn sight worse when you're apart.
Really hope you work things out.
PS: Have you been to the doctors? Some anti-depressants might help, they did for me.
Chin up chuck and apologies for the long post, I do go on sometimes!

summerday

Hi,

I've not got any more to add to the excellent advice already offered, just wanted to say well done for posting, things obviously are hard for you right now but you will get lots of support on this board, people are really friendly and caring and hopefully it will help you a little bit.

Take care and look after yourself, and keep us updated on how things go.

Sarah.x

skintchick

A couple of things:

Please get your own counselling for your depression, and possibly medication too. It really does help. Also, try Climbing Out Of Depression by Sue Atkinson, very good book that literally saved my life on a number of occasions.

I have a cat and she costs me about £3 a month to feed - what are you feeding yours? Mine has cat biscuits (any brand, whatever is cheapest) and water. They don't need the meat and can be weaned off it. I don't understand how you spend nearly £10 a week on cats - I spend about that on food for me!!!

Renting a room - I rent out my small spare room for £350 inclusive of bills, although I guess you are up north as you have a VERY cheap council tax bill (mine is 96 with discount, 149 without for a two-bed terrace) but I think you can get more for it than you have said, but remember it is not guaranteed income and you shouldn't reply on it to cover your bills in case you have a void.

Lastly - BIIIIIIG HUGS TO YOU. xxx

shefmot

Hello all, sorry I did not reply yestaerday but I didn't feel up to it. Thank you for all the support, I actually cried reading your posts, I know how silly that sounds but they were very nice words

An update on what is happening:
I tried to talk again last night but she didn't want to again, instead we had a little row which made me feel worse, however we are still talking to each other in small conversations so at least we aren't blanking each other. She has gone off to her friends house and I am very worried that this person is taking advantage of her, I tried to say this last night but it came out a bit wrong hence the argument She said she definatly doesn't want to go to Relate but I am going to go by myself to see them to try and sort myself out. I am very worried about her at the moment but all she says is she wants space and to not crowd her so I don't see what else I can do. I really want this to work (and she knows this) but I don't think she does at the moment, hopefull some time apart will help her but I am worried. I have just been to my doctors and he has signed me off work for 2 weeks which is good as I don't want to be there but bad as I don't know what will happen about money, as long as my wife doesn't withdraw all the money from our Joint bank account we'll be fine though (but she has done a LOT of shopping recently as has probably withdrawn £1000 int he last 2 weeks). My doctor also gave me some antidepressants which I start tonight, I'm not sure if I want to take them but I will, he asked me if I had thought of hurting myself but that was a definate no which odly made me feel a bit better! So I think I am going to go to my parents tomorrow so at least I'm not on my own, I do feel akward there by myself though as I haven't lived there for 5 years and we always used to go together, all I have to do now is find someone to look after the cats, I may send them to skintchick as she seems to be able to feed them well on a budget!

On the subject of money I have managed to get Sky to remove the multiroom (although I don't think they should have) so that is down to £36, I would reduce it more by getting rid of the movies but we have SKY+ so it wouldn't be worth it. My gas and electric is currently with the cheapest supplier (Powergen energy online) but my DDs were high as we owed them £200 so increased them to pay it off, averaging out the last year I work out we should be paying £60/month but with prices going up I wonder if it best to leave it at the moment. I also looked at my car insurance and got some quotes, it would actually be £50/month so if we do split the car may have to go... but not if I need it for a delivery job, I found 3 adverts in windows for drivers so I may look into that when I get back from my parents, chilli_dog I may be asking you for advice! skintchick, yes I am up north hence the cheap council tax and room rent I'd be able to get, out of interest how small is your small spare room, I have a choice of 3 rooms I could let, largish attic, largish bedroom and small box room, if I get too desperate I could also rent the lounge as a bedroom and live like a student again!

On the note of jobs my boss said 5 days should be ok but starting next month or January (I really wanted it immediatly), I suppose it will be a fallback incase I don't get a new job, he also talked about a 6 month rolling contract but I don't want that as redundancy pay is 4 months with no need to work a notice!!! I also didn't get one with a 1.5 hour commute (which is proabably a blessing) but I got a call from an agency today about one which may be promising, it's what I want to do and would pay between £18k and £35k but I would be at the low end of the scale though, I just need to do some example work for them, it should keep me out of trouble though.

I'm sorry if I've written too much *slaps hand* but I do feel it helps to write things down. Thanks for reading.