Family occasion - how can I get all these people together at the same time?!

Jo_R_2

Hi all

I have been thinking for a while about holding a naming ceremony for my two LOs. Me and my ex were never religious so chose not to have them christened but I think it would be a lovely ceremony for them. The last year or so has been very hectic, a lot of change for them at such a young age (they're 4 and 2) and I think it would be really nice to have a family and friends occasion for them (they're little socialites LOL, I swear they have more friends/party invites/little presents than I've ever had!) and just to celebrate them being quite ace!

Thing is, I have a list in my head of who I'd like to invite for them, but there's gonna be tension from some parties and I'd hate it to be awkward when it's meant to be nice for them.

For example: my parents cannot stand my ex. My mum would hate to be in the same room as him, but I know DD1 would adore her dad and stepmum to be there, as well as her grandparents (my parents.) My parents have met the ex's new wife and think she's fine btw.

I would want to invite my ex's cousin (his dad's nephew - I see him a fair bit and he's been a good friend) but my OH dislikes him because he thinks the cousin wants to make his moves on me! So that wouldn't go down too well if I invited the cousin!

My parents get on fine with ex's mum and stepdad and ex's dad and stepmum (as do I - it's a complicated family!) However I know ex's mum and stepdad would feel uncomfortable (no animosity as such, just I know they'd feel a bit funny) being somewhere ex's dad and stepmum were (and vice versa.)

I'd love for all these people to be there if I organised it but am thinking I may be being too idealistic hoping to get all these people in the same room at the same time!

Anyone else managed to negotiate such a situation (maybe not a naming ceremony but a family event?) and how did you do it?

tootiefrooties

Hey

I have 2 suggestions:

1- DON'T DO IT! I would never have tried to get all my family together as we are all over the place / separated / complicated, except for at my wedding. it was fine, no probs, but the organisation was such as stress i wouldn't do it again unless for a necessary thing. naming ceremony is not totally necessary so is it really worth it? won't fighting stop it being a special day? maybe you could think of something special to do with your kids instead.

2- Send out carefully worded, ever so friendly invites which emphasise the children's needs etc. so that people are more restrained about their feelings. Include a draft seating plan "for convenience" - but in actuality so that each guest can see who else is going to be there in a tactful way and without asking, or you having to take them aside and say "mrs x is coming, be nice". That way, if they can't control themselves around mrs x then they will probably rsvp with a 'no', in which case, they probably aren't special enough to be there anyway. If they decide to come anyway, they will know to be polite.

HTH

Jo_R_2

Cheers!

It's been an idea I've thought about for a while. I know it wouldn't be easy to sort out, which is why it's still an idea rather than a plan!

I think in my head it's an idea of some sort of 'togetherness' for the girls, like, mummy and daddy might not be together but you have lots of people around you who love you very much and here they are! Of course a naming ceremony isn't necessary to show them this at all, but it's a nice idea, I know DD1 would love it!

mrcow

I have a very similar situation with OHs family.

When I had the children christened, I thought about it long and hard and then just invited the lot of them sweetly and with a smile on my face.

I didn't make a fuss about it to any of them, just said something along the lines of "this is a wonderfully special day for our family and we would love for you to join us" on the invitations. I figured if they couldn't all behave like adults for just a few hours for the sake of the family, then what hope is there. Really.

They all came (bar one lot) and had a really lovely day.

As the hostess, you shouldn't be concerning yourself with having to sort it. It's their problem and they need to grow up and realise that there are more important things at hand here.

miserly_mum

Without wanting to sound negative. Why have a naming ceremony at their age?

They've had their names for 4 and 2 years respectively why the need for the ceremony now?

There are plenty of ways to give your girls a bit of a attention and a nice day without involving ex's and family members who don't get on.

If it was for religious reasons I would understand. But then again if you were religious it would be a Christening not a Naming Ceremony.

Are you sure this whole thing isn't more for you than the children?

ailuro2

Sorry, but I have to agree with Miserly Mum- it was exactly what I was thinking before I scrolled down and saw her post.

I just don't get it, not at their age - just wait till the next birthday and have a family get together for that.

p.s. without alcohol please, there's nothing worse than adults holding a birthday party or Christening for their kids then proceeding to let everyone drink their way through it. Just too horrid...

As for fmaily get-togethers, if they are fraught with tension then give them a wide berth. Why nont spend alternate weekends going visiting? tbh your kids are a bit young to pick up on having an extended family network. But visits to kid friendly relatives can be fun, old aunties with lots of china are not...;)

paddy's_mum

I don't want to sound negative either but in your shoes, I would be worried about whipping up yet more family upset and dislike for not a good enough reason. It's a nice idea but not in the same league as say a wedding or a funeral, when it would be entirely fair to expect people to behave with good manners for a few hours for the sake of the loved one, whatever one's feelings about another person who was also there.

Can you not throw a party for the people you do love and who would be thrilled to be present rather than trying to achieve "an occasion" among a group who would probably rather not have to be together?

In general terms, I would agree with the comments put forward by mrcow, but would also say that sometimes it's not just a case of "grow up" or "behave like adults". I have a relative who has caused so much pain and damage to the family so as to be close-to-hated by us all. There is no way or reason on this earth that I would go anywhere near that person, not even to attend their funeral, and I consider myself pretty grown up and mature in outlook.

You might also want to consider whether you'd end up a little "egg on face" if you go ahead with arranging this do, but then half the people decline to attend. It could get messy for you and hurtful for your children. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

belfastgirl23

I kind of see where you're coming from Jo re wanting all the important adults in the childrens lives to be there for them. After my parents divorced I hardly saw anything of my dad's side of the family and now there's no way I could have all of my family in the same room at the same time, it's been too long. So I kind of think you're right in what you're doing. I'm assuming the problem with the birthday idea is that there are 2 birthdays to think of

But give your bigger aims (the children to know they have a loving family) I would be inclined to pin family dos around the birthdays - even maybe one year for one child, the next year for the other. I think the continuity of doing this would be really good for them. I know that my cousin has tried to do this with her ex-in laws and it has really helped them to stay involved with the children.

In terms of practicalities, ailuro is as always right, no alcohol!! also is your house big enough for people to be able to spread out in different rooms? Having enough space to get away from people is a good thing... and if you have a garden and have some shelter in it so much the better.

edit** I know why people are saying don't do it, but it is too sad for words for children to think their dad and their grandparents can't be in the same room at the same time! What happens when they graduate? Get married? At least if you get some of this over with now and give them a reason to be civil to each other for the sake of the children by the time it comes to big occasions they'll be trained for it

Hope it goes well...

chatnoir

Hi,

I have just stumbled across this thread and wanted to add something.

I come from a "Broken" family and have so many steps brothers/sisters/aunts/garndparents that I have completed lost track of who is my "blood" family!

Now i moved in with my boyf just under a year ago and over the past few months my mind has been thinking (some what prematurely) of our future wedding, and at first the thought of it scared me to death because of the familiy issues. I have lived with my step dad for most of my life and I only see my dad maybe 2 or 3 times a year.....as goes for his family. Now when i think of my future wedding I have to remind myself that its my day (...and my OH ofcourse) and i will invite who I want and they will have wahtever role I ask them to have and if anyone has a problem....then its there problem, you can spend your whole life tip toeing round everyone else but you will NEVER make everyone happy! So I suggest you have the naming ceremony and invite who you want to invite and if people do not come becasue of petty or trivial arguements then your little girls happiness obvioulsy doesn't mean much to them so there opinion shouldn't matter to you!

It may sound harsh but i think there comes a time when you have to be !

all the best to you and your DDs

xx