Kids droped off at Mother in Laws

one2escape

My mother in law has been left a nice present from her sort of son in law. Her daughter died a number of years ago and her ex took the 2 kids to live with them back to England. One of the kids has been with her from Christmas as she wanted to come back and the other now has said that he wants to stay as well. He was over for the summer. He has now flown back to England without either of them. He has only been sending over child benefit for the girl from Christmas and my partner and I have been helping to support them. We are organising schools and what not now. He has now said he may take them back in a couple of weeks now if he has to pay maintence for them. That is the only reason he wants to take them back. We have not told the kids yet as it would be really upsetting towards them with the new school year starting in a couple of days.

The kids are treated fine over in England he is living with a large very family 6 other kids. Some of them have been picking on them and such like.

Any advice?

Mips

I dont get it.

Where is the other country he has flown back to?

sarymclary

I'm a bit confused. Does the son in law live in England permanently? Where are you/your mother? Is it in Ireland or N.Ireland? What ages are the children? Is the large family set up with the son in law, or with your parents? What exactly is the family set up with the children's father, ie. is he a sole carer, or is there a step-family, new partner? What do you think has prompted the change in situation, such as breakdown of relationships, house move, job change, children becoming teens, etc? I was wondering why, if it's been Ok for a few years it has altered now?

Sorry to ask so many questions, but it will help to clarify, in order that any advice you are given is relevant.

one2escape

Im from Northern Ireland. The SOn in law permanently lives in England. The kids are 8 and 12. The son in law has moved into house with his partner who had 4 previous children and 2 with him. The kids mived with him around 2 and half years ago. They havent really settled over there and they do not get on with his partner. The 12year old is also playing up in school and what not over there. Its just a whole mess.

The 8 year old who moved over here at Christmas wants to go back there but the father has not really bonded with her. He moved out when she was around 6 months took her on when she was 8 but there is no real connection there. But she loves him because he her dad. He does have a connection to the son but he wants to move back over here. We are thinking of getting solictors involved but worried about the cost and what not. They arent getting treated really bad but there are not getting treated well if you know what I mean. Her kids get everything and they don't and get there handouts. We have heard this from his relatives and they want the kids to move back over here.

Savvy_Sue

Just to get this straight too: he's saying that if he's asked to pay maintenance, he'll have both children back to live with him in England, but if he doesn't have to pay towards their support he'll leave them with their grandmother?

Before involving a solicitor, I'd involve Social Services! And ask what is BEST for these children, not what is most advantageous for him!

And I would ask for some counselling for these children, so that they can talk through with someone impartial where they'd like to live, where they'd be best looked after, and so on.

There is a useful book mentioned in this thread, I don't know how relevant it would be to NI, but probably worth investigating.

c_l_a_i_r_e

You should contact social services and inform them of the situation. The children need stability and a routine, which they clearly don't have now. If the grand mother is prepared to look after them full time, she may want to take legal advice and look at obtaining a residence order through the courts, which would also give her parental responsibilty for them. Good luck!

simpywimpy

If the 8yr old has been with granny since christmas and wants to stay it sounds like a good case for residency after all that time. You definately need someone official involved though to guide you through it all.

Angua2

I completely agree with Savvy_Sue. The focus needs to be on the children.

One organisation to contact might be NSPCC Northern Ireland. I know their main focus is to stop child abuse, but they have some good information that might be pertinent in a wider context (promoting the welfare of all children), for example their Listening to Children booklet (pdf)...
....which includes a list of "Helpful Organisations".

Unfortunately, interventions (from agencies, solicitors, etc.) can not only be contentious, but also divisive, lengthy, exhausting, not to mention expensive.

Caring enough to post on this is a super first step. Keep the kids' welfare and best interests in the forefront and you'll be doing a great thing for them.

The NSPCC or another child-focused agency might be able to help your mother-in-law and her grandchildren come up with a family plan that is lead by the kids, giving them a forum to express their wishes and worries, needs and wants.

Savvy_Sue

Angua2 wrote: »

I know their main focus is to stop child abuse,

And dumping your child on their grandmother, then saying you'll have them back if you're expected to support them financially, sounds pretty abusive to me! Even if the child doesn't know that's been said, it's emotional abuse / blackmail to the grandmother.

I'm trying to be charitable and hoping there's been a misunderstanding or breakdown in communication. If not, I'd be unable to post what I thought ...

izoomzoom

Not sure what the law is here, but if these children are no longer living with the son-in-law, then he has no right to claim child benefit for these children.

Personally I would contact child services and make a claim for child benefit in Ireland (or its equivalent).

Hell_Dans_Un_Handcart

We are going through something similar with our niece right now.

Do contact Social Services, but don't expect them to be interested (I know, it's pants). They will advise you to seek a residency order (legal guardianship) from a solicitor, but Grandma should be aware that if she doesn't qualify for legal aid and son in law isn't amicable, it will be a costly process.

Call Tax Credits and inform them of the situation; they sorted us out very quickly. Child Benefit is more complex as you need birth certificates to apply, but it's worth calling and explaining anyway so they can stop son in law's claim. You'll need this log when applying for residency; it's common for parents to want children back when they realise they will lose benefits and the courts will be sympathetic to this.

Have the children suffered abuse? Will they talk about it to the Police or teachers? This will help the case enormously; Social Services prefer a Police/School referral (at least here, anyway).

Make sure schools know the situation - children in care, even kinship care, get priority.

You have all my sympathies - there seems to be nothing in place to help these children. We are stuck between a rock and a hard place here - niece living with us, can't afford legal stuff ourselves, her mum won't do it. can't shop her for benefit fraud as we need to keep her sweet, otherwise she'll have her back again. Niece doesn't want to talk to anyone about the abuse she suffered so nobody is interested in helping us. It's heartbreaking and frustrating, but your mum in law is doing a great thing for these children.