Help/advice/perspectives relationship commitment asian parents

galvanizersbaby

I'm after some advice/perspectives as feeling as though I'm at a bit of a crossroads right now

I am a 35 year old single mum of 2 who has been in a relationship with a british asian man (no children) for almost 3 years now.
I would like the relationship to progress so that we can live together and have a future together but appreciate that we will both have to make some sacrifices/changes for this to be possible (currently we live miles apart due to work commitments)

I love him dearly and he claims he loves me but I am worried that he is buying for time and can never really commit to a future with me.

He has only recently plucked up the courage to tell his parents after 3 years about me (they live in another country) and as we predicted they are very much against our relationship - he appears to be trying to deal with this but going softly and generally putting them before me in the hope they will eventually accept me in some way, shape or form but I am not convinced this will ever happen (I have never actually met them myself).

I recently fell pregnant completely unexpectedly and though we were both shocked we were happy to have a child together and started making plans for the future - sadly I miscarried and it appears any future plans for us are on hold

Do you think it is impatient of me not to wait for someone I love? - though I understand his view point I don't feel I have the time and for my future sanity and happiness and that of my children I feel I need to make the right decision for me very soon now.

maz1964

Wow galvanizersbaby

i read your post and just wanted to say hiya, i understand a little of what you are saying, having a few asian friends and me from an italian family

however, whom am i to tell you that you should be very careful, its just my instinct thats all as i read the post

only you can make this huge decision, but what i would say is look at what will make you and your children happy, longterm.

it is a struggle for him, i can understand that, he wants the blessing from his parents, and the family, and trying to keep them happy and also trying to be happy himself. He may have not told you full info that he may have been told by his parents, he could be told should he stay with you he will be discarded from the family - this i do know does happen still in this age unfortunatley.

At 35 he really does need to now stand up and be the man he needs to be, he has to look at his life and understand what it is that he wants from it like you need to do too.

I dont know if any councelling will help you both, because if he makes the committment to stay with you then he has chosen you - this could cost him a lot with his family and parents. If he still does not want to talk about it fully with you and give you a full and honest account of how he wants his life to pan out, then id say you may have to make the decision that is best for you and your family.

its a sad thing in either way but i think you know in your heart what you need to do, trust your instincts and look at where you want to be in 5 years time

i wish you the best and ill subscribe to your thread and look in later

hope ive not offended you in any way, never my intention but whatever you decide i hope its the best one for you

take care ciao for now MAZ

galvanizersbaby

maz1964 wrote: »

it is a struggle for him, i can understand that, he wants the blessing from his parents, and the family, and trying to keep them happy and also trying to be happy himself. He may have not told you full info that he may have been told by his parents, he could be told should he stay with you he will be discarded from the family - this i do know does happen still in this age unfortunatley.

Thanks for your post Maz - you have not offended me at all - I don't think he has spared me many of the details - he is not very good at hiding the truth from me which in a way I'm grateful for.:rotfl:
It seems that in his family there is an awful lot of lying and deceipt going on - his brothers lie to the parents also and I would have thought there would be more solidarity between the siblings but it seems they are all afraid of what the other ones going to tell the parents who seem very single minded, frequently attempt to emotionally blackmail their sons and seem to prefer that they all lie so that they can apparently present a close family unit or whatever it is they feel they need? - I feel rather sorry for them all really - I know that they are good people.

margaretclare

Would you be required to change your religion to fit in with them?

Also, the term 'Asian' covers an awful lot. Not all are alike.

galvanizersbaby

margaretclare wrote: »

Would you be required to change your religion to fit in with them?

Also, the term 'Asian' covers an awful lot. Not all are alike.

Hi they are sri-lankan and they are buddhist (practised by many) but I wouldn't really be required to change my religion to 'fit in' as such.
Sorry I used the term asian purposefully so as not to be too specific I guess.

starbump

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Hi they are sri-lankan and they are buddhist (practised by many) but I wouldn't really be required to change my religion to 'fit in' as such.
Sorry I used the term asian purposefully so as not to be too specific I guess.

Sorry but this is a major bugbear of mine. Asia is the largest (and most populous) continent and includes countries such as Russia, China and Saudi Arabia. If you are seeking cultural/ethnic advice then you should specify the country - otherwise his continent of origin is irrelevant.

In my opinion, as you are 35 years old with 2 kids, you need to consider your kids' needs (they deserve a stable family unit) and also decide if additional children are important to you (time is not on your side). I presume he is around your age? He is old enough to make his own decisions and deal with any conflict - if he chooses not to commit to you then that is a valid choice, which you must act upon. I'm sure, in your heart, you know the right decision to make. It's not easy but I don't feel you can use his background as an excuse for his behaviour. Three years to mention you to his parents, no commitment, only willing to make plans when you were accidentally pregnant and had no choice, etc...

If it is of any relevance (and I doubt it) then you may want to know that I'm half Chinese and some of my family are Buddhist.

margaretclare

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Hi, they are Sri Lankan and they are Buddhist (practised by many) but I wouldn't really be required to change my religion to 'fit in' as such.
Sorry, I used the term Asian purposefully so as not to be too specific I guess.

But that's the point. You have to be a bit more specific because it is such a huge continent and covers such a lot. I know some Sikhs and Hindus who take great exception to being lumped in with another group from that part of the continent. However, there are things I'd like to write which Martin wouldn't allow me to write. It doesn't sound as if your OH has any of the hang-ups which SOME people of 'Asian' background or origin do have. He sounds as if it's the usual problem of commitment, which afflicts many men of all backgrounds. The parents/family back in Sri Lanka can be used as a convenient excuse, if that's the way his mind is working.

Errata

If he's putting his family before you as you say he is, then his loyalty lies with his family not with you. This may change, it may not, but it's doubtful anything else will change until that does.

maz1964

well it sure looks like you have had some great straight answers, - its a difficult call at the best of times without any different culture and belief systems and family to consider - i wish you the best and great to see others responding to this very difficult topic that does affect a lot of people in today's society.

i agree with margaretclare too, committment is a bit scary for a lot of people nowadays more so than before maybe who knows, its life i guess

catch up laters take care to all ciao maz

galvanizersbaby

I did not want to cause any offence to anyone - I was non specific in case anybody who knows me/him would be reading this post.

Starbump - as you say it's not really relevant that some of your family are Buddhist - Buddhism is practised by many different people and cultures - I did not mean to lump you in with anyone!
I assure you I am considering my childrens needs and they have a stable family environment which I don't intend to jeopardise.

MargaretClare - I'm inclined to agree with you that this isn't really about religion per say - more commitment

Thank you all for your comments - once again I don't wish to offend anyone and I'm not using his background as an excuse for his behaviour