Breakup - What to do?

Ex1le

Well I have recently been dumped by my girlfriend of 7 years, who I lived with for 5 years who I thought was my soul mate.
After 3 months of being single I am still at a loss and feeling a little depressed, so I thought I would ask some friendly advice.

Background (bit long and depressing):
Over the last 6 months me and my ex were together we went through some rough times.
Firstly I was made redundant, which was stressful but I found another job in time, not before money worries played their part.
I also suffered some family issues during this time, firstly my grandmother on my mothers side came to visit, had a stroke and spent a month in hospital suffering from several things including memory loss and semi paralysis, she eventually made a recovery and is back living with family.
Shortly after this my grandparents on my fathers side health began to deteriorate, and soon both of them ended up in hospital for various and different reasons.
My grandparents lived about 250 miles away so every couple of weeks we went down to visit them while they were ill and in hospital which was upsetting and very tiring.
My grandmother was diagnosed with stomach cancer and died about 4 weeks later.
My grandfather's health got worse and he spent most of his time in a care home before sadly dieing about 3 weeks after my nan.

My ex (a teacher) was having a rough time at her school so decided to change schools hoping for a new start and happier surroundings, unfortunately the new school turned out to worse than the old and the new staff took and instant dislike to her as a) she was new b) she was young c) good at her job.
Life at her new school became worse after a budget shortfall meant that a few members of staff would be made redundant, the existing staff created a petition to get my ex fired (last in first out) and now none of the staff speak to her at all.
During this time she also suffered some health issues, constant headaches and tooth infections which meant she was in and out of hospital and the dentist.
All of these issue made life a little strained between us but i thought things would pick back up once life returned to some normallity.

Three weeks after the funeral of my grandfather my ex decided that she had a 'feeling' that something wasn’t right and that I didn’t love her anymore because I had shown her little sympathy or understanding about her issues for the last few months.
I week later I returned home from work to find she had moved out and taken most of her belongings.
Since she left I have only seen her once, she refuses to speak to me in person or the phone and we only have brief conversations via email.
Now the house that we own ha to be sold, probably at a loss and at probably the worst tme for the last 10 years,

The reasons she has given for leaving are:
I never wanted to get married or have children, but this just isn’t true I wanted to get married and have children just not at the same time scale as my ex.
I was constantly shouting and swearing at her, this isn’t true either I only shouted at her about 4 times in 7 years.
I never showed her any understanding or sympathy making her feel alone, this may have some truth to it for the last few months we were together but for the other 6.5 years I was very understanding sympathetic.
I wasn’t committed to the relationship because I didn’t love her enough, this I really cant understand at all i loved her deeply and told her this almost every day.
She admits she still has feelings for me but she couldnt carry on with me because things had gotten so bad recently. I still love her but i am hurt that she could leave in such a way without discussing things at all.

My question is what should I do next?
Forget that she ever existed? or keep trying in vain to get her discuss things for hope of a resolution.

Thanks in advance for any help.

consultant31

It sounds as though your ex is suffering from depression and it's no surprise considering what you've both been through lately.

I would give her some space while remaining friendly and letting her know you'll be there for her if she needs you, though you won't wait for ever.

I wish you both better luck for the future than you've been having lately.

Barny1979

Your ex has the problems, big time, she has to be honest with you and if you own half the house then can you take it over?

cazziebo

Would she go to counselling with you? It sounds as if there is something still there and it would be a pity to let that go without a fight. If she won't talk to you directly, she might be happy to do it with a counsellor?

You've both been through a very hard time. She might be right - maybe you have been under such strain that you did neglect your relationship. It does sound salvageable but only if you can get together to sort things out.

Thinking of you

yoni_one

I'm really sorry you have both been through such a difficult time but it sounds like you were not on the same page when it came to understanding the needs of the other.

Ex1le wrote: »

The reasons she has given for leaving are:
I never wanted to get married or have children, but this just isn’t true I wanted to get married and have children just not at the same time scale as my ex.
I was constantly shouting and swearing at her, this isn’t true either I only shouted at her about 4 times in 7 years.
I never showed her any understanding or sympathy making her feel alone, this may have some truth to it for the last few months we were together but for the other 6.5 years I was very understanding sympathetic.
I wasn’t committed to the relationship because I didn’t love her enough, this I really cant understand at all i loved her deeply and told her this almost every day.
She admits she still has feelings for me but she couldnt carry on with me because things had gotten so bad recently. I still love her but i am hurt that she could leave in such a way without discussing things at all.

Obviously we have only heard one side of this story but from what you are saying, I can tell you from a woman's point of view that if I tried to discuss my feelings and they were dismissed (as above in bold), I would be tearing my hair out.

You say she left without discussing it at all yet somehow you are aware of her reasons and I suspect you are aware because she tried to discuss her feelings with you and instead of you understanding and validating them (even if you didn't agree that she should feel that way) what you did was dismiss and invalidate them.

Please understand I am not having a go at you, this type of communication is often at the root of the problems, and eventually it can become the problem more than anything else and the sad thing is, most people don't even recognise they are doing it until it is too late. However, it is possible to do something about it to benefit either this or future relationships.

If you can somehow communicate a willingness to learn how to listen and empathise and ask the same respect from her (and then actually do listen and empathise) then maybe relationship counselling would be a good step forward for you, however it is something you both should want. The obvious agency to approach to help you with this is RELATE.

Ex1le

Thanks for all the replies,

I think you are right she is/was suffering from some form of depression but she is adament that she isnt so trying to get her to see a doctor/counseller has failed so far, i will suggest it again.
I think she is right to some degree, i did neglect her and the realtionship to some extent over the last few months, but only because i was going through so many things i couldnt physically or mentally do everything that needed doing.
Thanks for the hug and the link to the forum i will go check it out today

I cant really afford to take over the house at the moment and im not sure i really want to, living here on my own feels wrong and i dont think that will ever change.
The ex is currently paying half the mortgage and council tax costs but i dont know how long this will last, and its a bit of a struggle financially at the moment so any additional costs would put me over line.

I think there is still something there but she thinks that the way things were for the last few months is how things would always be in the future, and that she needs someone who can always support her when she needs it and understands everything she feels/thinking without telling them.

Sully316

If she wont speak to you or see you write her a letter. Tell her everything and be completely truthful. If you hear nothing back then at least you tried.

Ex1le

Yoni,

Thanks for the reply, regarding the reasons why she left i have only found these reasons out since she left.
While we were together she did try to discuss things with me once or twice, but never went into any detail she just said that she felt things werent right.
I admit at the time i really didnt understand and did dismiss this, but without her explaining how she felt how could i understand?
I did try but ufortunately im not very good at joining the dots sometimes, i just ended up getting frustrated.
She has since said she couldnt tell me all the reasons at the time because of what i was going through with my grandparents and felt it was unfair to burden me even more, i explained i would have rather have known then so we could have discussed things than she wait until things were to much for her, and she felt the need to leave.
I know the way i have written my background seems a little dismissive but i wanted to keeps things short, i could have put a lot more detail and i could easily write a 5,000 word essay and still not cover everything

I think you are right the lack of communication mostly on my part was a major factor, but at the time i just didnt realise how she felt i have since tried to understand but only communicating via email is tough, im not the most articulate person and i think sometimes it comes across as sterile and dismissive.

I will try to get across the fact that i am more than willing to learn from this and empathise with her and if she is willing see a counseller
.

yoni_one

Ex1le wrote: »

I think you are right the lack of communication mostly on my part was a major factor, but at the time i just didnt realise how she felt i have since tried to understand but only communicating via email is tough, im not the most articulate person and i think sometimes it comes across as sterile and dismissive.

I will try to get across the fact that i am more than willing to learn from this and empathise with her and if she is willing see a counseller
.

(hug) I know what you mean about it being even more difficult to communicate by way of email.

I can understand the difficult position your partner felt she was in when she chose not to discuss her feelings with you when you were already down, however the problem with that is she made a decision for you, that being she decided you were too vulnerable to deal with meeting her needs. From what you say, the cost of her making that decision was a build up in resentment that her needs were not being met. This is just another example of the possible consequences of poor communication.

She appears to have assessed the risk to your emotional wellbeing as too great at the time, not realising you would have been strong enough to deal with it without making her feel selfish for raising it at such a bad time.

We all get it wrong lots of times, I hope you both reach a place where you are happy with the choices you make at this crossroad in your lives.

Horace

If you can remain friendly as the split may do you both some good but don't wait for her for ever.

In the meantime (as the housing market is bad at the moment) take in a lodger this will help with the mortgage at least.

Understandably you have been wrapped up in your own family affairs which have been somewhat devastating of late and therefore although you have noticed that she had a problem with work that you couldn't really spare her the time that she needed.

I think that she decided long ago that the relationship wasn't for her and has used this as an excuse to leave. As said before, give each other some space and keep lines of communication open.

Start looking forward and try doing some different things so that you have something to fall back on if she doesn't return - life is for living so live it. (I am not saying get a new girlfriend immediately either because you are not ready but there will be a time when you are ready).

Good luck.

Ex1le

I appreiciate the advice from you all

I will think things over for the new few days, see if i can come to a decision on what to do.