Fed up with dating – down in the dumps

loopyloulou_3

Hi ya, just kinda need somewhere to vent to be honest and for some advice.

I broke up with my ex of 9 years in Nov last year when I discovered that he had a 3 month old baby with someone else (nice eh), kept the house etc and have been plodding along with things although it hasn’t been easy financially. Although financially it was hard, getting easier, emotionally it wasnt too bad, as mad as that sounds, our relationship was long over and it was a bit of a relief to be honest, so I never felt emotionally messed up by it all.

I started dating in Jan – probably too soon but I didn’t think that at the time, saw someone on and off for 6 weeks and then decided it was too intense for what I wanted (he was constantly texting me and it was all too much!) and finished it.

Then I sort of saw someone else, who I really liked, but he had just come out of a relationship and it kind of fizzled out after a month or so. I was a bit upset – although I didn’t let him know that!

Then, I met someone on match.com, although I must admit I wasn’t impressed with Match in general, we saw each other for 6 weeks, but I kinda knew all along he wasn’t the one for me!! He seemed to think cos I have my own house that I am rich (ha quite the opposite) and that he could sponge off me! so ended it before I went on holiday and I found out he had lied to me, which I defo was not prepared to tolerate.

Last w/e I saw someone I hadn’t seen for a long time, and we got on really well, had a really nice evening and sat up chatting half the night. We texted on the Saturday, and then I texted him on Monday to see if he was around this weekend and wanted to do something, he said he was working lates but would let me know. Haven’t heard from him til today when he sent a general hello how’s your week kinda text, I replied and asked if he was free did he want a drink Sat nite, and he hasn’t replied! Even an excuse would be better than nothing!! LOL or just an honest, I dont want to see you would be less annoying!! So am not bothering with him anymore! I thought we had got on really well and he said it was good to see me and he had a good time. I can’t work it out! I don’t want to rush things, and I am not in a hurry to get into a relationship but did enjoy seeing him and would like to see him again. I hate all the games that go on, not fun at all!

Gahhhh I am getting so fed up, is there something wrong with me!! Externally I am fine and happy and normal and confident, but internally it is really starting to get me down, it is not doing my confidence much good to be honest.

I DO want to be with someone, but obv it has to be right. Im not in a hurry to settle down, it just would be good to spend time with someone nice no pressure, just as friends and then see what happens!

They are either too over the top and want to move in with me after a couple of weeks – which drives me nuts! I love having my own space or they are complete opposite! I am sick of my friends saying “ahh you will meet someone when you least expect it!” not likely when I am skint and can’t afford to go out!! And all my mates are married with kids so don’t have many people to go out with.

Any advice please?

Me x

mcmanlyn

"I am sick of my friends saying “ahh you will meet someone when you least expect it!” not likely when I am skint and can’t afford to go out!! And all my mates are married with kids so don’t have many people to go out with."

OMG are you me????

Can't really give advice sorry hun...as I'd like some too! Been single for over 2 years now is getting very boring! I'm like you thou - I can't be with someone just for the sake of it, I have to really like them!

I actually got a wedding invitation yesterday (for December)...without a plus one people obviously assume I'm incapable of getting a date now...sob sob!

consultant31

Hi,
Have you thought about joining some sort of group to give you an outside interest completely away from all thoughts of finding a mate?

It wouldn't hurt of course, if your interests happen to include something like car mechanics or woodwork where you just might meet someone who shares your interests

I think the thing to do is just enjoy being free for a while - it may be that you are appearing to be a little desperate, which can be very scary for a lot of blokes (not suggesting you are desperate, just that it may appear that way).

angie_baby

No advice really, you should start a club though, im just like you too, lol.

I have been single for nearly 3 years now!!! And i can even get a date!!! Last 2 turned out to have girlfriends - i wasnt impressed!

loopyloulou_3

the thing is im not desperate to meet someone! i am happy as i am, love spending time on my own, love living on my own, so its not like i want someone that i would bombard constantly! just would like someone nice to spend some time with. cinema, days out etc.

I have been set up with all my mates' friends too and exhausted that avenue! Match really wasnt for me, maybe I was unlucky, but I felt like I was being interviewed all the time! LOL

I am dreading the invitation thing, got a house warming and a christening soon and my ex will be at both, with his new girlfriend :eek:

loopyloulou_3

What are we going to do?!

I feel a song coming on

"where have all the good men gone, and where are all they gods.... " LOL

Im angry at myself for letting a bloke, after one date, get me waiting by my phone! So unlike me!

He has now said he has plans 2moro nite, but will let me know if they change! Pah! Second choice, I think not!

Oldernotwiser

loopyloulou wrote: »

the thing is im not desperate to meet someone! i am happy as i am, love spending time on my own, love living on my own, so its not like i want someone that i would bombard constantly! just would like someone nice to spend some time with. cinema, days out etc.

:eek:

Why not learn to enjoy days out/cinema /travel on your own? It's really liberating to do this and then you can choose to have a relationship when the time's right.

JoeyG

Don't take this the wrong way but it sounds to me like you are using dating as a replacement for a social life... Yes socialising can be expensive but it doesnt have to be.

Steel_2

The thing about online dating sites is you either have the guys who are looking for fun and they aren't going to last beyond the first couple of dates, and then there's the ones looking for a partner who won't want to know someone who is just looking for a few nice dates.

The former are in it for fun and sex under the guise of friendship, the later are in it for a relationship and don't want someone who just wants to be friends. You have a foot in both camps and neither like it. I think you may have to decide on one camp or the other.

Just to give you some perspective from someone who has been there:

I met hubby through udate.com and he was absolutely not my type at all. Like you I was looking for a few nice dates with a few nice men, not a relationship. I was into big rugby players and he was a skinny ex-racing driver 12 years older than me. BUT he was persistent, called when he said he would, turned up on time, was polite, genuine and respectful.

Most of the other guys who contacted me that I dated never got a second - they were after sex or would ring up on Saturday afternoon to see if I wanted to go out that night and would get miffed when I had plans I wouldn't cancel. Generally they behaved like idiots, but I realised that's because they had been with a lot of girls who let them behave like that. By Wednesday of most weeks I had my weekend sorted out, even if that was me going off to do something on my own - a date with myself if you like! And I wouldn't cancel my plans for anyone. I got through 17 first dates, 3 second dates and only one who went the distance - hubby.

I never let it get to me when guys turned round and behaved like twits because I knew how many men there were on udate and if I had to work through 'em all to to get to a bloke I fit with I damn well would. :rotfl: And I would have fun into the bargain.

The only way to stop yourself getting so down-hearted is to not take it seriously unless you really have to. Dating should be fun. Flirting should be fun. And don't turn a guy down just because you didn't feel a spark on the first date or when they call or email. Go for the slow simmering burn not the quick explosion.

I don't there's anything wrong with not feeling a spark straight away. I don't think I felt a really strong spark for hubby until about our fifth date. I liked him, he was nice, good to talk to, but I kept thinking about how he wasn't my type. He made it clear from date 1 I was absolutely his type and all the sparks seem to be coming from him. Then one day we'd had a great date, all the nerves with one another had disappeared and we spent the evening in absolute stitches about something I can't even remember now. Then suddenly it was Sparks Central.

Decide what it is you want from a bloke and be ruthless about sticking to that. There really are MILLIONS of men out there and the possibilities are endless. You have all the choice in the world.