Help with grandparents

poohzee

Hi, my mum is having a few problems with her parents (my grandparents) They are in their late 80's and physically great but mentally not. The family feels it would be better for everyone if they went into a care home together. However, mum doesn;t want them to have to go through lots of tests to confirm mental illness' or have to broach the subject with them as she and everyone else know my granpa will say no and thats that. The doctor has been invloved but obviously he cant push them into anything either. What do we do...please hep everyone is getting upset over this and just want the best for them.

Amanda65

Hiya

Firstly huge sympathies to your mum and the rest of you - it must be an awful decision to have to make, even when it is the right one.

I work for a small charity and when I receive queries about residential care I always recommend people contact the Relatives and Residents Association http://www.relres.org/. They exist to help and support those in care and their relatives and, amongst other things, run a helpline which might be able to give your mum some advice.

HTH - and good luck

Mrs_Boo_Boo

Hello there.
Are you aware that there are residential and nursing homes(the person needs registered nursing input) and ones which can cope with people with dementia or severe dementia. If your grandparents can pay for their own care then the choice is up to them and the matron will probably come to assess them if they have a vacancy. If they do not have any funds to pay for the home then they are going to have assessments etc even to establish if they do not have capacity to make the decision themselves so even if your grandad says no he may not be considered reliable enough to make the decision. Social Services will need to know to fund the place and you could be limited to the place they go. Firstly you need to contact social services for further advice and they may need further assessment by a community mental health team. If your mum is not receiving any help they could stay at home with the support from carers etc. The people involved are used to people not wanting help and will do their best to support your grandparents and your mum whilst maintaining your grandparents dignity. Also not sure how many homes will take couples.
Good luck it's not an easy decision to make and so emotionally charged. Currently supporting a M-I-L with dementia at home and working within an elderly mental health rapid response team.

poohzee

Thanks to you both for taking the time to reply. One thing I didn't mention is that we are in Scotland, does anyone have experience of this through the Scottish system?

gettingbetter

Hi poohzee

I am in Scotland and i fought tooth and nail with my mil. She was at the stage where she was convinced she was living with her grandmother (parents died in the blitz and was brought up by granny) but she was adament that she was not going into a home. We lived ten miles away from her and used to go 3 times a day first thing in am to light her fire (yes was coal fire) lunchtime and again at teatime as i cooked her tea.

yes meals on wheels went in and some one got her dressed in the morning and someone put her to bed at night. But she wouldnt stay in bed, she used to fall and would stay on the floor all night rather than press her buzzer to summon help.

I got social services involved and the doctors and when that failed i got tough with her and told her she either accepted the help she was being offered or i was off. I know that sounds horrible but i had to. She was a danger to herself she set fire to three microwaves.

Your mum is going to have to get tough and say this is what is happening, it hurts cause i always feel like a naughty school kid. Best of luck

kas

pukkamum

Do you have warden controlled schemes in scotalnd?
My mum works in one and basically they are individual flats with a kitchen bathroom living room etc, but the scheme provides as much care as is needed be it just cooking meals or bathing or dressing, that way they retain their independance but the help is there if needed.

aylesby

I have had a five year struggle with my in laws which has taken so much of my family’s time. Learn what a Power of Attorney is and decide who in the family will take the lead. It is good to discuss decisions with one other person. There is much emotion to be faced. Living 100 miles away did not help.
My mil now 84 fought to avoid the retirement home after her husband died following his severe dementia problems. In her head she pictured a Dickensian work house.
After weight loss to below 5 stone and a hospital stay she was told ny her case worker that she could no longer live alone and had to go to a home. I doubt if this could have been enforced.
A year on and she still keeps a carrier bag of clothes by her side for the day her husband cones to collect her. I have not been blasted for leaving her in that home for a while now. Her weight has increased and she looks healthier. Her home has been sold to pay her £400 a week fees.
I know that she is in the best place I could find because I rejected a number. Expect little help from social services until there is a major life threatening problem.

Savvy_Sue

Unless it's different in Scotland, your mother should approach Social Services and say that she needs a Carer's Assessment for herself.

Hopefully that will flag up ways of helping your grandparents stay in their own home but with adequate care. Or establish what the alternatives are.

There was a programme on Radio 4 on Tuesday night: Inside the Ethics Committee - looks like it's repeated on Saturday or you can listen again. You might find that interesting.