i just want a baby

glitterycloud

Hi everyone, i don't know why i am posting on here as there is nothing i can do about it, think i just want to off load my feelings.

I am 28, i have been married to a wonderful guy coming up for a year now. I have been married and burnt badly before so it took a while to regain my confidence and trust. I have a younger sister who has 3 young children and an older brother who too has 3 young children.

My husband knows i have wanted children for a while now, he is 26 and felt too young to get married last year and had a wobble a few months before. He tells me he loves married life but doesn't want children yet but i am desperate for them.
I am the bread winner at home as i am lucky to be in a good job so there is even more pressure, we are emigrating next year (hopefully) i say hopefully as redundancy is looming over me and i am happy about this as it could be a good payout and my start to a good life abroad with a bit of money behind me. Redundancy has no date though and it could drag on for maybe 12-18 months which would cause complications in our plan to emigrate, this in turn will put back my husbands plans for children as he said (carrot in front of horse springs to mind) that when we emigrate we will have children straight away, putting pressure on me to go as soon as.

I have told DH that i dont want to go so soon if it means missing out on a substantial redundancy package i want to get redundancy then go as it means the start to a better life for us. I cant and dont want to miss out on it though i know he is desperate to go, which is why he says that he will start a family as soon as we are over there.

I want to have a baby now and use my 6 months full pay maternity to go over with him but he wont have it, i am entitled to 52 weeks off work with maternity which would work out good with moving and redundancy as i could live out my weeks abroad, this would give me more of a chance to see about redundancy.

Arrgh life is so complicated!!!!

sorry its so long im not after advice just feel disappointed that i may never become a mum as there will never be a right time. I feel my biological clock ticking very loudly indeed!

lindseykim13

my advice would be don't wait if it's something as important as having children, money can wait and so can bills your bio clock won't though. You are still young but you don't know how long it will take to get preg, why don't you come up with a compromise stop using protection and if it happens soon then live with it and go from there if it doesnt then your redundacy might come. things have there own way of sorting themselves out. Best advice i ever had was 'you'll never regret the kids you have, it's the ones you don't'. Thats why we're trying for our third and i'm 24 lol

good luck and its you life do what you want.

Bitsy_Beans

I hate to sound patronising (and I really don't mean to) but you are only 28. To say you are never going to be a mum isn't necessarily true. I can understand it's hard to wait but given that your H isn't quite ready I'd tread carefully. I have friends who are on their 2nd babies and each time they have had "issues" with their husbands due to the impact of having kids has had on their marriages and these were kids where both paries were in agreement on having another child.
It's nice to try and fit having kids around your work/redundancy but not everyone is guaranteed to fall pregnant straight away. Try and ease the pressue on yourself and just see how things go. Your time will come but it will probably not be on your schedule!

ailuro2

Your 26 year old husband sounds veyr level headed.

It can take a little while to settle in your new country, start qualifying for maternity leave etc.

It makes sense to take the redundancy money and use it to get yourself in a good position wherever you are moving to, then start trying.

Have you done all the homework on the new country, is it a good place to rear kids, is the education system good, is health care provded, or do you have to pay for medical care throughout pregnancy...etc.

I think you've more to think about before you have kids. Once you're a parent you'll understand that everything else comes second to the kids, and if your own house is in order it makes things so much easier.

Good Luck.

ps I had DD when I was on the pill even though we didn't plan at all on having any kids, so she was meant to be... coming off the pill isn't really leaving it to fate, imho.:p

elle_gee

Your post doesn't seem to contain many joint decisions.. you said "my start to a good life abroad with a bit of money behind me" - shouldn't it be "us"?

As BB said, said you're not gauranteed to fall pregnant straight away and right on your schedule, and even if you do, it's not always straight-forward and simple.

I agree with your hubby.. try when you get there, when all the stress of moving is over with.

Toto

Well personally I think that you are right to hang on in this country and wait for the redundancy, its the plan to move that I would put on hold. Speaking as someone who is 6 months pregnant I would much rather be pregnant in the UK than in a hot country. So I think you are right to hold on before moving. If he would be happy with a baby now if you were to move right away then he should be happy to have a baby now anyway, it sounds as if he is using it as a tool to get you to move quicker.

Steel_2

I know you're really frustrated and your hormones are screaming, but you have to take your husband's feelings into account. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Imagine if he wanted you to have kids and you didn't feel you were ready. You would feel horribly pressured and it would eventually cause a rift between you.

Find out if possible why your husband wants to wait. It may be at 26 he feels there are things he wants to do before he has kids. That's very sensible. Children are hard work and maybe he needs to get something out of his system and to psych himself up for the 18 years plus that they are going to need him for.

There are many women out there with hubbies that have not done this. Instead, they have men who are out with their friends down the pub, playing computer games, living the high life without much understanding or regard for the depth of hard work and responsibility that goes with raising kids.

Wait until you are out there and settled before trying. In the meantime, perhaps come up with a plan with hubby to start socking some money away for the time when you won't be working, just in case you can't get maternity benefits out there.

But whatever you do, don't move your life out there at the same time as coping with a new baby. It's a recipe for major stress and heartache. You might have post-natal depression after the birth and not be able to deal with the move anyway.

Give your baby/ies a peaceful and stressfree start to their lives.