Help! Don't know where else to go.

yorkshirepudding_4

just spent ages typing a message but it disappeared so this will have to be a bit shorter. basically my husband and i split up last year. i was a wreck when he left and gave away too much custody. i only wanted him to have one overnight stay but he objected to bringing her back late on the evenings he had her and started bringing her back the next morning. i agreed cos i wanted to stay on good terms with him for our daughters sake. he behaviour had gone downhill lately. he treats her like a baby, gives her everything she wants and never tells her off, she gets everything her own way. the main problem is he lets her sleep in bed with him, (she is 4 next month) which causes big problems for me as i expect her to sleep in her own bed when she's with me. he is also living with his parents so there is always someone there to spoil her and lavish her with attention. i do my best but life here in comparison is not fun for her, she doesn't get her own way and has to act her age. i can tell she no longer wants to be with me. she used to be so affectionate ahppy and well behaved, now she only hugs me if i beg and is constantle defiant. all she talks about is her dad and what they are going to do together and what time is he picking her up. i feel like im just the childminder while he goes to work. i have her during the day (apart from one day when his mum has her) and will hopefully continue to do so as we are planning to homeschool her, but its the nights that are the problem.everyday is a struggle i feel like im losing my daughter. its even harder to take becuase for the first 3 years he wasnt that interested in her, he wasnt constantly on the computer or reading a book, i used to have to badger him into playing with her. he seems to think that i wouldnt be able to get any custody back because a precedent has been set. on the money side of things me pays me an agreeable amount at the moment but keeps threatening to pay me the bare minimum that the csa would want and that is £27 a month. can somebody offer me some advice. im getting desperate. all i ever wanted in life was to be a mum but because of him im not enjoying it anymore

Firefly

What presents clearly from your post is that you don't like Daddy, and your daughter is picking up on this. She does like Daddy.

Life is tough, isn't it? It's not nice. You want to feel appreciated and respected and rewarded for doing a job that is often thankless, difficult and challenging and you don't get the benefits, financial, emotional or otherwise.

Unfortunately, that's the way it goes.

The only part of your post that does concern me in any way is that she doesn't have her own bed. It would be better if she did but if she stays at Granny & Grandad's that may be difficult. However, they will need a plan for what will happen when she is a little older as it won't be appropriate for her to share with Daddy much longer. Having written that, in many cultures children share rooms with parents for ever so I'm mixed on that one and would welcome others comments.

Grandparents are there to spoil grandchildren and to lavish them with attention, that's what they do. One overnight stay a week isn't too much custody and if you think it is, I'd be interested to know how much you would have liked him to have. I think it's brilliant that he's dedicated enough to commit himself to his daughter especially when you say he didn't feel that way during her early years. Why are you arguing over custody with him if he wants to see his daughter? Shouldn't that be something you should encourage?

Not all children like to offer hugs; certainly not on demand. This isn't the fault of your ex.

It sounds a little to me like you're still in pieces and could benefit from a little bit of help to get back together. You've got part way there and are able to function but emotionally would benefit from a third party to help understand the emotional fallout from separation a little more. Relate are often good, even though it's just one of you!

Don't let your dislike for your ex destroy your relationship with your daughter, please.

sturll

He his her dad and he is clearly bringing her up different to you. Can you really blame him for spoiling her when he spends so little with her.
If he is like me then his daughter is his princess.

As for sleeping in his bed it depends on space really. If you are trying to go down the 'inapropriate' road forget it. There is nothing wrong with it per se. My daughter is 4 and i would have no problem with her showering with me let alone getting in my bed.
However, in terms of development i do think she should have her own bed and that is the only reason why.

I dont think you have given away too much custody at all, she is both your daughter and i respect you for letting her see her father and him see her.

To tackle your problems might mean finding some common ground with her father. Invite him round, express your concerns and let him think you are meeting him half way on things if he'll do a few little things you ask of him.

I am of the opinion though that he is just a father who loves and misses his daughter and cherishes the small amount of time he spends with his litlle darling, but then i only know what you have written.

Best of luck

starbump

Firefly wrote: »

Having written that, in many cultures children share rooms with parents for ever so I'm mixed on that one and would welcome others comments.

I wouldn't be particularly concerned about the co-sleeping. The family break-up was only 1 year ago and 4 years old is quite young. Maybe co-sleeping makes her feel more secure when she is away from mommy? The important thing is to ensure it is safe because at 4 years old, she could fall out of bed easily* e.g. double bed, bed-guard, one arm firmly around child, etc. Even up to about 11 years old or so (pre-senior school age), we still occasionally snuck into our parents' bed for the rest of the night if we had bad nightmares or if there was a thunderstorm. I don't feel this is a cultural issue.

(*One time when I was about 6 years old, I fell out of bed and continued sleeping on the floor! Mom was not impressed when she came in to see what the noise was...)

bravobeastie

Just wanted to add my tuppence worth. Re: the lack of cuddles and affection....

She's a 4 year old girl, a difficult age as she's still a baby but wanting to be a bit more grown up. My daughter was exactly the same when she was 4 and me and her dad are married. The hugs, kisses and cuddles suddenly stopped but i'm willing to bet its nothing to do with you personally it really is just her age.

My daughter is 7 now and not exactly affectionate but there are certain times when all she wants is to cuddle up to me, suck her thumb and a have a love.

Please don't feel as if she is rejecting you. Just carry on being the mum she knows and loves. And she does you know, she's just trying to be a grown up little girl.

belfastgirl23

This sounds really horrible, I hae a lot of sympathy for you...it is hard going through a breakup and becoming a one parent family, especially if it isn't your choice. And I take my hat off to you for allowing your ex proper access to your daughter, it was the right thing to do and I think you knew that deep down.

I think the feelings you're having are pretty normal really and a lot of single mums have them. I do agree with one of the posters above who said that maybe you need to look at getting a bit of support. You sound unhappy and this is bound to impact a bit on your relationship with your daughter, no matter how hard you try to protect her from it. And again it's very normal for single mums to get so focused on their children that their own needs go right to the back burner. I'd say try to do one thing every day that makes you happy - whether it's a walk in the park or playing on the swings. Do things with your daughter that will make her happy too since you will get joy from her pleasure. Try not to get so caught up in things that need done that you forget about things that you want to do. And don't be afraid to take baby steps...

And do keep in the back of your mind that children grow up. And they come to understand that while mum might not have been as much fun as dad, she was the one who did all the work and was always there for you....

pinkshoes

Firefly wrote: »

What presents clearly from your post is that you don't like Daddy, and your daughter is picking up on this. She does like Daddy.

I think Firefly hit the nail on the head here - 4 year olds are sensitive, and she is obviously picking up on the fact that you don't like/resent daddy, but she loves spending time with daddy.

Why don't you try being all excited next time when she talks about daddy? Ask her what she and daddy got up to, and be excited and enthused about it.

Why don't you do something with her that daddy doesn't do? How about cookery lessons? My 4 year old cousins love getting sticky fingers, llicking the bowl, icing things, eating things!

Cinny91

I don't really know how to help but I just want to say, congrats on deciding to homeschool your daughter! I was homeschooled from 13 and I loved it.

Have you thought of starting the schooling early? You can start taking her to home study groups already, the ones I went to I was normally the oldest at 13/14 but there were some as young as 3. Lots of messy fun activities, followed by a healthy lunch then spending all afternoon playing around outside, that's how most of them worked anyways! It'll be something Dad wont be doing with her and she'll be making new friend so she'll look forward to the meets.

Good luck with sorting things out, maybe you could invite your ex over for coffee or something, set your daughter to play nearby and have a talk about her future? Tell him what you're worried about, maybe he's just spoiling her in the time they spend together and doesn't notice?

tsstss7

yorkshirepudding wrote: »

just spent ages typing a message but it disappeared so this will have to be a bit shorter. basically my husband and i split up last year. i was a wreck when he left and gave away too much custody. i only wanted him to have one overnight stay but he objected to bringing her back late on the evenings he had her and started bringing her back the next morning. i agreed cos i wanted to stay on good terms with him for our daughters sake.

Isn't the OP saying her ex insisted on TWO overnight says per weekend - effectively every weekend - if that is the case I can see why she would feel annoyed as the weekends are different to the week in terms of what you can doas a family and even as a SAHM I wanted some weekend time with my boy to connect and do fun activities etc. Once they hit school/preschool age the week is taken up with that and in any case before that everyone else is at work so you cannot socialise (with family etc) much either (which was most of my wknds as I was too poor to do activities/socialising that cost anything).

My advice to OP if this is the case is to try and arrange her and her LO some wknd visits to family etc say one wknd month or trips away to places and an overnight stay - LO and OP will reconnect in a more fun environment and ex will get used o the occasional free weekend and perhaps come to appreciate a bit of time to himself. My ex is regularly unavailable to babysit for me on my weekends with ds these days as he has developed a life and interests that require space from ds therefore I no longer get the constant demands for access I used to get (dispite himhaving very good contact really - I'm not an unreasonable mum and rarely say no to extra time in the school hols).

yorkshirepudding_4

i think i need to clear up how often he has her. he originally had her sat 6pm-sun 6pm and tuesday and thursday from 6-9. he wasnt living with his mum when this was arranged and his mum had arranged ballet classes on a wednesday so i agreed she could have her wednesdays, but now she stays over tuesday, wednesday, thursday, which gets her into a routine of sleeping with her dad. i never said i thought one night was too much at all, but four definitely is. surekly if i am supposed to be the main caregiver then i should have her more nights? and i never said i thought it was "inappropriate" are you implying by this that i think he is some kind of pervert. i do not take this stance at all. she slept in our bed when we were together, but at 3 i drew the line and decided she should start to grow up. she has been conditioned to need somebody there to get to sleep, when in my opinion she should be able to get herself to sleep at 4. i just want her to be on a par with her peers developmentally. i am aware that the main ule of homeschooling is that you provide children with an experienece that is suitable for their age, aptitude and ability, and although he is into homeschooling in a big way, i don't believe he is doing this, especially since up till a few weeks ago he was letting her drink froma bottle and use a potty, even though i have never used bottles (she was breastfeed and drank from a cup) she has also been toilet trained for over a year and never had any accidents yet they have been letting her wear nappies and lately when she comes home she can't get to the toilet in time and wees in her knickers. i was really just wondering if anybody knew where i stood on getting custody back when it has already unofficially been given away. And just to add, i've never disliked her dad. I've been nothing but friendly and forgiving towards him, especially since I did nothing to make him want to leave, it was caused by his change in personality due to antidepressants. I've been a good friend to him supporting him through girlfriend trouble and a crisis with a girl he impregnanted about a month after we split up. so to make out that i am bitter is a little unfair.

gerturdeanna

Maybe because he didn't spend as much as time as he could have done when she was a baby, he's now trying to get that back?
G'luck in whatever happens