Abusive brother

hazeyjewel

I have a younger brother who has always been the golden child in my Mum's eyes.He has smoked pot very day and dealt in it form the age of 16.He used to deal it out of his bedroom window when he lived at home, and my Mum just turned a blind eye to it :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
I have always tried to get along with him for the sake of the family, and now my Mum is seriously ill with cancer, and I am helping to care for her .He lives the same distance away as me and never visits unless he wants his 2 kids looking after:mad: :mad:
Despite smoking a lot of pot every single day, he is verbally aggressive to everyone inc his own girlfirend who sometimes bites back at him, but usually lets him say what he wants.
For my Mum's sake I don't bite back, but later on I spoke to her about it and she said "you can't reason with a pot head, just rise above it!!"
I am sick of doing this, but don't want a massive row when my Mum's ill, and I kind of agree there is no point trying to talk to him, as he's never pot free.I have done so much for him and his kids, his gf is appreciative but used to be on pot too, so I think she just tolerates it, and sees it as normal:o
.Any ideas of what I can do?

candygirl

OMFG I think we have the same brother:eek: :eek: :eek: Everything you said is almost the same as my pot smoking , selfish verbally abusive bro.He is in major denial that my Dad hasn't got long to live, and has always verbally abused anyone who tried to help or advise him.I used to be hurt , but now just rise above it.It's very hard, but also very hard to reason with someone who's permanently spliffed out of their head, and selfish as hell :mad: :mad:
(((HUGS))) to you and your DD, and keep reminding her that his behaviour is in no way acceptable :mad: :mad:

viktory

hazeyjewel wrote: »

I have a younger brother who has always been the golden child in my Mum's eyes.He has smoked pot very day and dealt in it form the age of 16.He used to deal it out of his bedroom window when he lived at home, and my Mum just turned a blind eye to it :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
I have always tried to get along with him for the sake of the family, and now my Mum is seriously ill with MS, and I am helping to care for ehr with my Dad.He lives the same distance away as me and never visits unless he wants his 2 kids looking after:mad: :mad:
Despite smoking a lot of pot every single day, he is verbally aggressive to everyone inc his own girlfirend who sometimes bites back at him, but usually lets him say what he wants.
Yesterday we were all at my Mums, and he made some particularly nasty comments to me, for no reason, which my 10 year old daughter picked up on!!He had been smoking and drinking, but I don't see that as any excuse:rolleyes:
For my Mum's sake I didn't bite back, but later on I spoke to her about it and she said "you can't reason with a pot head, just rise above it!!"
I am sick of doing this, but don't want a massive row when my Mum's ill, and I kind of agree there is no point trying to talk to him, as he's never pot free.I have done so much for him and his kids, his gf is appreciative but used to be on pot too, so I think she just tolerates it, and sees it as normal:o
I'm very hurt because I was insulted in front of my own child, who is now beginning to pick up on her Uncles behaviour, and question it.Any ideas of what I can do?

Whilst I agree that 'biting back' at your brother is probably a bad idea, given your mother's illness, there is nothing to stop you from calmly and politely saying something along the lines of "Please do not speak to me like that. I don't appreciate it and don't have to accept it". If he is abusive again, repeat.

Failing that, I would refuse to visit if the brother was there. Your Mum doesn't sound terribly helpful to be honest, but I'm sure with her illness she has bigger concerns. However, you are her child as well and deserve some support.

You don't mention your Dad. What does he have to say about the situation?

specialK

What a *!£^%!
I have no experience of this, so no real advice. But I couldn't not say anything. I would not raise my voice and rise to his antics, but calmly imply that it must be great for him, being too stoned to realise that Mum is ill, too stoned to see that your DD is noticing his idiotic behaviour. How would he feel if you refused to visit whilst he is there? It must be hard for you to relax, can't you go when he is not there. You will probably end up falling out with your Mum or blowing your top and end up looking the bad one.
I would even say something to his g/f, if everyone around him believes there is nothing they can say to him, he will continue to act in this way, his behaviour is not being challanged.
Don't mean to sound dramatic but if he allowed to live the life he chooses with no consequences, he will get more down in himself and may try some harder drugs?

cheap_charlie

I feel your pain - my brother has been smoking pot for years...he was even diagnosed as psychotic a few years ago but my mother fails to believe he is a dope head and even though he is 37 she still gives him money even though she has got into debt over this and cannot afford it - she only gets state pension and pension credit!!! She even handed over most of my father's life insurance payout after he died :eek:

Sadly you cannot reason with him - given the amount of dope he smokes he will probably end up psychotic too - its a common side effect of overuse - but if he is going to say something abusive to you in front of your child I would most definitely say something to him in private about it.

You also cannot change your mother's opinions...my brother tells the most ridiculous lies to my mother who swallows them whole and I have learned there's no point trying to point this out to her. I have just stopped helping HER out as I refuse to allow her to enable my brother to continue with his behaviour.

Savvy_Sue

You may not be able to help your mum, and you may not be able to help your brother, but you can get help for yourself through Fam-Anon. I am sure they will have met this kind of behaviour before and may have some suggestions on how to deal with it.

eamon

This perhaps the biggest downside of cannabis smoking that is barely understood. There was an excellent segment on Radio 2(Jeremy Vine) a couple of years ago. This phsycotic aspect of heavy cannabis use appears to more prevalent in people who started smoking in their early teens (and that continue to use heavily). I don't have any answers for you except that you may consider taking advise from a different forum such as drugs anonymous.

Unfortunately you can't reform an addict unless they want to change.

yours

Eamon

Stephb1986_2

disown him like i have my brother i wont and dont do anything for him anymore i've had enough of him im nearly 22 and he's nearly 25 he acts like a spoilt kid and we should drop everything and do something for him when he does !!!!!! all for us!

quite a few times he has hit me to the point of where i've had two black eyes this is all down to pot. but now i dont even talk to him unless i answer the phone and he's on the other end and even then i just pass my mum on.

I know its hard to do but thats the best way he isn't even worth it!

Steph xx

with what eamon has just said my OH used to smoke canabis and it was quite heavy from as far as he's told me (it was before we met) but as soon as we started chatting he gave it up for me and has never touched it again he is lovely but as all relationships we do have our ups and downs but i am proud of him for giving it up!

skintas_2

snapsounds like how my brother used to be, saounds very nasty and jealous, smokes dope blames everyone else for his behaviour, my brother also started at a early age, at 14 by 19 he was classed as drug induced paranoid schrenzophrenia. i used to just kept away from him as much as poss. hard it was try not to talk to the family as, he upsets them, than i used to get upset, vicous circle... you have your children to llook after, do that and forget him, he will just upset you, i know its hard, you have your own things goin on,, my brother got worse with the drugs, prison etc, last year he went to re hab about 300 miles away, recently the old him has returned, hes been clean for over a year, i love him even more, my old brother back.......

hazeyjewel

A quick update, I talked to my bro and he has been much better with everyone since.I'm glad we cleared the air though:D